Magic: The Gathering - Theros Prerelease Weekend

Fans of the popular trading card game Magic: The Gathering will know that the Prerelease events for Theros, the game's 62nd expansion and the first of three sets in the Ancient Greece-themed Theros Block, took place this weekend. Normally how these limited format events work is that each player receives six 15-card randomized booster packs and creates a 40-card deck (23 spells, 17 lands) from the cards found therein. That was how the Magic 2014 Core Set Prerelease went down, my first ever sanctioned MTG tournament. However, things worked slightly differently for Theros: instead of six random booster packs, players choose a "Heroic Path" based on one of the five colors of mana. They then receive a Prerelease pack five random booster packs, plus a sixth "seeded" booster pack weighted towards the chosen color, including a promotional card that is legal to put in your deck.

Seeing as I have a natural affinity for Blue mana (both my Legacy Highlander Constructed decks have Blue in them), I chose the Blue mana-themed Path of Wisdom. (The other four paths are Honor, Ambition, Battle, and Might, going clockwise around the color wheel.) Each Prerelease pack also included a set-specific Hero Card, and in keeping with the theme, mine was The Philosopher, an occupation I can relate to, given my academic training - I think my bachelor's degree in Philosophy (trans. "lover of wisdom") qualifies me for the rank of (at least amateur) Philosopher. You can't use this card now, instead saving it for the final battle at the end of the set's Hero's Path arc. I personally don't plan on continuing the journey, but it's a cool card to frame next to my philosophy degree.

"Welcome, Hero!" I heard this phrase three times in quick succession upon opening my Prerelease pack, once in my head when I read it to myself and twice when more enthusiastic players at the table announced it aloud to no one in particular. Each path has a different quote from a different key character associated with that path's color, and mine came from the Oracle of Sphinx Isle, a creepy-looking white-bearded Sphinx with empty white eyes and deep blue wings, finely illustrated by Steve Prescott. But as cool as the Sphinx is art and flavor-wise, he's not even the special foil rare promo card in the pack: that honor goes to Shipbreaker "Release the" Kraken, a good example of the new Monstrosity ability introduced for this set. Activating this ability requires a SHIP-load of mana, but when it pops, it has one of the most devastating creature removal effects in the set, tapping up to four creatures for as long as the Kraken remains in play. The next card I saw in my seeded pack was the card behind the key art in the Prerelease pack: Prognostic Sphinx, making good use of the Scry mechanic, which comes back with a vengeance in this set. Others who took the Path of Wisdom were lucky enough to pull Thassa, God of the Sea, one of five color-specific Gods that are Enchantments as well as Creatures. She is special enough to show up on the packaging for one of the booster packs.

I mentioned that each color-specific Path had access to a foil rare alternate-art promo card, and I was lucky enough to draw White's promo card from one of my random booster packs, albeit not foil and with the standard art. Celestial Archon is a good example of the new Bestow mechanic, where an Enchantment Creature can enter the battlefield as an Aura, targeting another creature and making it more powerful. But then the beauty part is that if the enchanted creature ever leaves the battlefield, the Bestowed Enchantment immediately becomes a creature with the power/toughness and abilities that it granted as an enchantment. I got another relevant example of Bestow with Nimbus Naiad, one in a cycle of five Nymphs, one for each color. I also drew two more irrelevant examples of Bestow in the Black and Red Nymphs (Cavern Lampad and Spearpoint Oread), and then when I drew an Observant Alseid (White) from the one booster pack I received as a consolation prize for coming in second place, I knew I had to trade for Leafcrown Dryad (Green) to complete the set.

One more word about flavor and trading before getting into my decklist: Anyone who's familiar with ancient philosophy knows that perhaps the most famous Greek philosopher Socrates was executed by being forced to drink hemlock, a liquid derived from this poisonous plant. Socrates immediately comes to mind, then, when seeing the card Sip of Hemlock, except that while Socrates was generally agreed to be an ugly bearded man, the poor dead person depicted on the card art is an attractive dark-skinned woman. I should know, because I drew three of these cards in my five random booster packs, plus one more in my prize pack. Being the curious philosophy major that I am, I kept my eye out for any other cards that depict the same Socrates avatar, and saw one when my first opponent played Traveling Philosopher, a 2/2 "vanilla" (meaning it has no special abilities) Human Advisor. As it's generally agreed to be a low-value card (it was given a grade of D on Hipsters of the Coast, tied for second-to-last among White Commons), I was easily able to convince someone to make a gift of it to me. More interestingly though, Traveling Philosopher is one of nine vanilla creatures to feature quotes from the fictional Theriad in their flavor text.

Rather than go through all the cards, or even all the themes, I ended up using for my deck, I put together a depth chart of the cards in my deck (a deckpth chart, if you will?) using the aforementioned Hipsters of the Coast 23/17 article that grades all the Commons in Theros. The one remaining rare that I haven't discussed and the five uncommons form the base, out of which a tree of commons spring, each one superimposed with its online rankings. For the sake of comparison, Nimbus Naiad was given an A grade, the highest among Blue commons. As I mentioned, this deck earned me a second place finish in the round-robin style tournament: I won my first two sets two games to one, before losing to one of the two eventual winners who finished the day 3-0. Overall the set was fun to play with and it's always nice to win a few games, but overall the most fun part was hanging out with fellow Magic fans, meeting new people, and diving into the competitive spirit that characterizes both Magic in general and the Ancient Greek mindset in particular.

Astrology Baseball 2013 Playoffs, Round 2, FOIGHT!!!

In baseball, a lot is made of replacement level players - the type of player who can be called up from the minors at any time to fill in for the regulars in case of injury or provide some rest in case of fatigue. So much so that two of the most well-respected baseball sites have developed their own systems of measuring how many "wins" a player contributes above the level of production of an average replacement-level player. So while two weeks ago I looked at the eight teams who missed the Astrology playoffs through the lens of the players who most often led their team in weekly points, this time I'll look at the four remaining teams by examining the players who most frequently came in off the bench as substitutions.

You see, through the whole of this season, I've been doing weekly tinkerings of each lineup to reflect the changing trends in statistical production. As certain starters went through slumps, they were replaced by lesser-known and usually lower-ranked players who had acquitted themselves slightly better. Some of these players were cycled out periodically and some stuck around in the starting lineup for most of the year, and as I mentioned in the last post, I'm sure I didn't make the right decisions on who to start or who to bench every time, but looking at the weekly changes should give a good idea of which players best qualify as replacement-level. I'll start with the team that did the worst in the first round, which proves that there's no foul-play on my part as league manager: the Cancer Crabs.

But first, and I can't believe I didn't think of this before, here's a link to the main page of the Astrology Baseball 2013 League so you can explore the lineups yourself!

CANCER CRABS

The most frequent subs were pitchers, as they're considerably easier to swap in and out: each roster has a full 5 SP slots compared to only 1 for each offensive position, plus DH. Four pitchers were subbed out a team-leading four times: Phil Hughes and Paul Maholm (the two who were healthy and with their major league teams for the whole season), Tim Hudson (who was lost for the season in late July with a broken ankle), and Edinson Volquez (who was cut by the Padres, only to be picked up later by the Dodgers). Wei-Yin Chen was the only starter with 3 sub-outs, joining two-thirds of the team's closer-trio Jim Johnson and Ernesto Frieri (leaving only Chris Perez with 2 sub-outs to his credit).

The offensive side tells two very different stories about the Cancer middle infield: depth at 2B and a complete lack thereof at shortstop. Last year, Howie Kendrick provided a suitable backup to Brandon Phillips, but the revelation that I had made some incorrect calculations in my astrological calculations made Ian Kinsler the clear starter, pushing Phillips into DH limbo. That along with the fact that he struggled with some injuries accounts for his 3 sub-outs. But the patron saint of injuries on this team has to be Derek Jeter, who played a mere 17 games in 2013. I was pretty vigilant about getting the only SS on this team ranked within the top 200 in the game when he was healthy, which is why placeholder Derek Dietrich was taken out of the lineup 3 times. John Buck didn't start the year on the active roster, but his hot start got him into the lineup on three separate occasions. Although the versatile Allen Craig was this team's 4th-highest active scorer (behind only Shin-Soo Choo, Manny Machado, and Yadier Molina), he was subbed out 3 times also mainly due to injuries.

VIRGO MAIDENS

Virgo played well enough to beat Cancer last week, but still find themselves in the consolation ladder, having lost to the #1 seeded Leo. I think I've said this before (in any case I remember thinking it before), but Virgo is interesting in that they have rather murky starter/backup situations in a number of positions. For example, Ian Desmond and Elvis Andrus subbed out for each other a full 4 times this year, with neither able to become the clear favorite. Injuries to Rickie Weeks eventually put Neil Walker in the 2B hotspot, but not before the former was subbed out on 4 separate occasions. The first base round robin of Paul Goldschmidt, Joey Votto, and Freddie Freeman is a true embarrassment of riches and there's really no wrong choice to be made - suffice it to say two of these three occupied 1B and DH for most of the year. Brett Gardner toed the line between fantasy replacement level and injury risk, putting up some decent numbers when he was able to stay on the field.

Gio Gonzalez was ranked as one of the top 50 players in the game, so it's surprising that he led the staff with 3 sub-out/ins, tied with Jason Hammel, a breakout player last year who just kept getting chances to show his stuff. For all the talk of Dan Haren's disappointing season, he put together enough good stretches to amass a decent number of points for this team. The last pitcher to be involved in 3 subs was a valuable playoff addition for those lucky few still in the hunt: Andrew Cashner was owned by fewer than 10% of all ESPN fantasy owners prior to this week when he got a nice bump due to a hot stretch. The only relief sub-out was rather devastating: after Bobby Parnell went down right before the trade deadline, there was no other pitcher on this roster who even came close to amassing any saves.

LIBRA SCALES

Libra had by far the most tinkering out of all the contenders because of tremendous depth in the outfield and starting pitching departments, which luckily made up for tremendous injury troubles in those areas. The most frequent offenders were Yoenis Cespedes (brought in 4 times, taken out 3), Bryce Harper (3 and 3), Jose Bautista, Matt Kemp, and Starling Marte (out 3 times, brought in 2). Just looking at those names gives you an idea of what disgusting depth they were working with here, and that's not even counting consistent starters Andrew McCutchen and Carlos Gonzalez (before his various rash of injuries). On the pitching side, Kris Medlen was subbed out an unprecedented 5 times: no one else on the squad eclipsed 3, but there were four different pitchers who reached that milestone (Jered Weaver, Shelby Miller, Matt Cain, and Derek Holland).

LEO LIONS

Leo was the top team in Fantasy Astrology this year, and the top spot didn't come without a fair amount of tinkering. Let's start with the players with 4 subs: Jason Heyward (various bad luck injuries mixed with periods of slumping), Mark Reynolds (who was able to fill in for both Pablo Sandoval and Anthony Rizzo, plus DH-ing), and Joaquin Benoit (who tag-teamed with fellow middle reliever Santiago Casilla before ascending to Detroit's closer role). Catcher was another messy spot with Wilson Ramos and Ryan Hanigan giving way to breakout star Evan Gattis early, before Ramos won the job back (and taking home the top scoring spot in Round 1 of the playoffs). Once Clay Buchholz went down with his neck injury, a bevy of replacements battled to take his spot with neither Scott Diamond nor Chris Capuano sticking on full time.

Based on what's been happening all through this year, I'd say Leo has the clear advantage in this matchup if due to their momentum alone. I will likely be too engrossed in the playoffs to spend a lot of time analyzing the winner of this playoff matchup, but that's what the off-season is for!

Liveblogging: A's @ Twins, 9/12/13

BOTTOM 8th inning: OAK - 8, MIN - 2

Now in to pitch for the Twins, a member of the WBC Team Netherlands bullpen this year, Shairon Martis. It's been a pretty big year for Dutch MLB players, with top prospects Jurickson Profar, Xander Bogaerts, and Jonathan Schoop spending time with the Rangers, Red Sox, and Orioles respectively, Andrelton Simmons looking like a gold glove contender at shortstop for the Braves, and Kenley Jansen closing things out for the Dodgers. Speaking of the WBC, another Twin, tonight's 1B Chris Colabello, played for Italy. The man responsible for the Twins' only run so far, RF prospect and cleanup hitter Oswaldo Arcia, could very possibly join fellow Venezuelan greats Miguel Cabrera, Pablo Sandoval, Carlos Gonzalez, and Anibal Sanchez in WBC's of the future.

AND THERE IT IS! A deep fly ball to right field off the bat of Josh Reddick, it's going back, over the head of the outfielder and the wall for a home run! And there with the call as always, Glen Kuiper's "That Baby is GONE!" has never sounded so sweet. Reddick has used his time on the DL to re-grow a version of the grizzly beard he had to start the season (pictured) and it's apparently working well for him.

Speaking of working well, A.J. Griffin worked very well for 7 innings, now gives way to mop-up man Dan Otero, who has been pretty active on the waiver wire, spending time with the Giants and the Yankees before catching on with the A's, but who has also put up a very impressive season out of the bullpen with a miniscule 1.41 ERA and a very strong 4.20 SO/BB ratio. The ground ball specialist did his job in that respect, but also gave up a run on three hits, all grounders, one of which, a comebacker to the mound, he hacky-sacked back to Derek Norris, who couldn't get out of the crouch soon enough to make a play.

Oakland lead 8-2 and I'm officially signing off barring a crazy comeback (goffabid).


END 6th inning: OAK - 6, MIN - 0

We've seen A.J. Griffin do it all this game: strike guys out, induce a clutch double play to escape a jam, courteously pick up catcher Derek Norris's mask after he made a great athletic play to end an inning. We've also seen Coco Crisp grind out some good at bats, the latest of which resulted in an error, which he later turned into a 2B via the stolen base, which Josh Donaldson later converted into a run with an RBI single, giving the A's an always-good-to-have insurance run. (Just ask the Pirates in their recent series against the Rangers: you can never protect too much against a comeback.) A little bit of context: Coco's steal was his 19th of the year, the same number of home runs he has hit as of his blast last night. A 20-20 season might be within reach for the veteran center fielder.

Chris Young is next on the CF depth chart. He is a former leadoff hitter for the Diamondbacks, meaning he had the speed to leg out a triple in the 6th, the Oakland's second of the game, which just got converted into another insurance run by Josh Reddick with a sac fly. Young isn't currently wearing his cool socks, but I'm totally fine with him wearing the unfashionable long pants if it means he's more comfortable to run on those extra-base hits.

As far as roster position is concerned, Young was always projected for a platoon role with left-handed hitting Seth Smith, as evidenced by both of their inclusions in this year's Sports Illustrated Baseball Preview. What they did not predict was the platoon behind the plate, listing lefty John Jaso, but not providing a bench spot for presumed catcher-of-the-future Derek Norris. In addition to making that nice play, he also picked up a strong single and has also been taking a beating behind the plate. Also, if anyone at Sports Illustrated is listening, please don't discontinue the full projected lineup portion of each team's 2014 Baseball Preview page like you did in the 2013 Football Preview. Can't tell you how much I enjoy looking at those things, and I hope I'm in the majority as far as fans are concerned...

END 3rd inning: OAK - 4, MIN - 0

At this point, by design, we've seen every player in the starting lineups come to bat at least once (and exactly once for the Twins, more on that later), and each starting pitcher get some significant work in. We've also heard a third of a game's vocal track from broadcast artists Ray Fosse and Glen Kuiper. And in that time we've also seen the A's continue their scoring ways from last night and put up a four-spot on a two-out rally that included a big triple* from HR Derby champion Yoenis Cespedes, playing DH tonight with the A's outfield now back to full strength with the return of Josh Reddick from the DL a couple days ago.

In that time I've also noticed that Griffin today is sporting a very fashionable, almost Ray Fosse-esque-moustache to go with his flowing locks and his 6 K's in his first 3 IP. Looks like the A's might still be bitter about their tough loss in game 1 of this series on Tuesday.

END 1st inning: OAK - 0, MIN - 0

I watch a lot of A's highlights, so I recognize the voices and phrases of the A's announcers pretty well. Don't get me wrong, I watch a lot of every team's highlights, but the A's guys stick in my mind because I'm (for some reason) more emotionally invested in their games. I also recognize the Yankees announcers, Michael Kay on YES and John Sterling on WCBS, who worked together in the incomparable baseball video games All-Star Baseball 2000 and 2001. And also the Giants announcers Mike Krukow and Duane Kuiper, who lent their talent to the legendary work MVP Baseball 2005. But my point is it would be great to hear a "That Baby's Gone!" happen in real-time.

Won't happen this inning as the A's go down 1-2-3 to Twins recent call-up Scott Diamond, who has the second-most fantasy points (as of the All-Star Break) of any starting pitcher on the active roster. However, the Twins suffer the same fate at the hands of A.J. Griffin, who is also second in points to Bartolo Colon, but unlike the Twins top pair, each has quadruple-figures in points this year, with a few starts each to go. It's no secret who's favored in this matchup.

Fantasy Astrology FOOTBALL!!!1

The playoffs are fully under way in year two of my Fantasy Astrology Baseball project, but another momentous landmark happens today: the start in earnest of the fantasy football season! It's my second year competing and immediately after my draft, I applied the research I did to creating some quick fantasy football lineups based on the astrological signs, just like I've been doing with baseball for the last couple of years. I'll tell you right now that I'm not going to do any tinkering throughout the season because I need all my wits to focus on my own team. But since my week 1 lineup is exactly what I drafted, I'll spend that energy to profile some of the teams with the more interesting stories going into the year.

For the rankings, I created an aggregate system combining ESPN.com's top 300 with NFL.com's top 200. I didn't look beyond that pool of players, which is why some teams don't have an eligible kicker - only the top 16 were included in the rankings I used and I wasn't about to dig through the fantasy second stringers. I also had to do a little bit more unforeseen research into IDP's (individual defensive players), since it wouldn't make sense to assign a standard fantasy team defense/special teams (made up of many different players from different signs) to a single team. However, ESPN's fantasy site only went up to 150, so again some teams are lacking a full defensive squad. For a full rundown of all players on all teams, check out the astrology league's home page.

Leading the pack according to my rudimentary ranking system - whereby I added up all the ranks of all the individual (offensive) players on each team and organized them from lowest to highest total - are the Aquarius Ages Of. (I tried to get a little more creative with the team names than I was in the astrology baseball league, which I feel is more in the true spirit of fantasy football.) This is the complete opposite of were baseball players born under the same sign sat in this year's version of the same rankings for that sport. The only top 10 offensive player is the consensus #4 pick by both ESPN and NFL: Ray Rice, RB for the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens. Even though Ravens QB Joe Flacco signed a big deal in the off-season, his lack of quality receiving weapons should insure a heavy workload for the small but tough back - he was actually picked second overall in our draft.

Atlanta Falcons WR Julio Jones just barely made it into the aggregate top 20 (ESPN ranked him 22 overall while NFL had him at a more optimistic 16, for an average of 19.0) while Patriots RB Stevan Ridley (also my team's RB2) just barely missed the top 20 by half a point. Speaking of half a point, our league has adopted a variation of PPR that awards 0.5 points for every reception that I DID NOT include in the fantasy ranking system, as I feel it's somewhat absurd to have the possibility of decimals in a player's final rankings. The most compelling story on this team's offense is injury-prone QB Robert Griffin III - but if his surgically-repaired knee gives out, at least they have Matthew Stafford waiting in the wings. I know basically nothing about defensive players throughout the league, but this unit has four starters in the top 20, including ESPN-elite LB Patrick Willis. And although he will be far from the league's best this year, it's worth keeping an eye on newsworthy rookie Manti Te'o.

Barely behind Aquarius in our rankings system is a sign whose baseball playing equivalents made it to the playoffs last year, the Capricorn Scapegoats (see the play on the traditional goat of the constellation?). Two players who will surely be scapegoats if this team fails to perform will be its pair of top 10 overall players, RB's Doug  Martin of the Buccs and Jamaal Charles of the Chiefs. But this team's offensive fortunes will likely live or die with #2 QB Drew Brees, reunited with his recently un-suspended coach with whom he won the Super Bowl three years ago. This is most definitely a coincidence, but the two top-ranked astrology teams also have the two top-ranked kickers: Stephen Gostkowski legs it up for AQU while last season's top scorer Blair Walsh will kick for CAP. Capricorn has the most defensive players to choose from (20 of the top 150), but the three players who ESPN tagged as "Elite" are all in the secondary: safeties Morgan Burnett, Eric Weddle, and Eric Berry. Don't ask me anything about who they are or what they do because I don't know, but now I'll be sure to pay attention when I hear those names come out of a broadcaster's mouth...

Following the trend where absolutely useless fantasy baseball signs look like legitimate contenders in the football landscape, the third spot in my rankings system is occupied by the Taurus Runners. (Get it: like Running of the Bulls? It's not a reference to the maze runners in Dragon's Maze...) The conversation has to start with the RB trio of Seattle's Marshawn Lynch (either the #2 or #3 player in all of fantasy depending on what you read into Arian Foster's injury troubles), Frank Gore (the 49ers lead back is not Elite, but does find himself in the next-tier category: "not sexy, but they get the job done"), and Lamar Miller (a good chance to be a sleeper for the Dolphins). Then there's Cam Newton, whose Panthers were ranked dead last in the NFC according to Sports Illustrated's power rankings, but his ability to run makes him a deadly fantasy option. They've also got Newton's top receiving weapon Steve Smith and Peyton Manning's new favorite WR Wes Welker, PLUS Welker's former teammate #2 TE Rob Gronkowski - and although he is out for the foreseeable future, it's not too bad to have second-tier TE Jason Witten as a backup. TAU's only elite defensive player is Atlanta safety William Moore, but they have a couple of well-known brutal linebackers in Lawrence Timmons and Clay Matthews.

The Sagittarius Archers (baseball) surprised everyone by finishing with a winning record this year, and the Sagittarius Arrowheads (football) stand primed to do the same and more in their league. They've got the top QB (Aaron Rodgers), the top TE (Jimmy Graham), and a top 15 RB 1-2 punch (Alfred Morris - my personal fantasy RB1 - and Matt Forte). While their receiving corps is a little weak - their top WR is Philadelphia's DeSean Jackson, who checks in with an aggregate 76.5 rank - they've got RB's to spare, including rookies Montee Ball and Giovani Bernard (another member of my team's bench). So far every team's defense has featured at least one "Elite" player, and SAG's is Oakland safety Tyvon Branch.

That does it for the top 4, and not a fantasy baseball playoff contender in the bunch. George Carlin had a great bit about the differences between baseball and football, and based on these teams, it looks like the differences extend to the stars themselves. Again, feel free to check on the full lineups and statistics at the league's home page (which should be viewable to all), but don't get too upset if some of the teams aren't filled out completely or the lineups don't change from week to week. This project is intended for reference only as something to look at while your actual teams pound away on the gridiron. Happy Football Season Everyone!

LEGO Arkham Asylum, Part 3

Check Out Part 1
and Part 2

{[REMINDER: Hit play on the video and then read ahead at a normal pace for the full soundtrack-esque experience!]}

Batman had just dispatched a couple of unlucky thugs and was now surveying the scene at Arkham Asylum, which was now under the control of the Joker. From his perch on the Gargoyle, Batman spotted a new threat who he wasn't prepared for...

"Ah, Batman, I was wondering when you'd show up!" The Scarecrow's gangly frame was not likely to strike fear into the powerfully-built caped crusader, but the long gothic halberd he had stolen from one of the stone guardians at the gate was a very real danger... and who could tell what deadly concoction he was holding in his left hand. Plus, the fact that he was standing on top of a precarious rooftop meant that anything could happen.

"Hello Dr. Crane," scowled Batman. "I didn't think you were due to be released for another two life sentences."

"The Joker arranged this early parole for me," responded Scarecrow. "But that's nothing compared to what I have arranged for you. You see, this mushroom," he held up his left hand, which held an oddly shaped, red and white spotted lump of fungus, "grows deep in the underground caverns of Arkham Island. I've used its unique extract to create my most potent fear toxin ever! I knew you'd be dying to sample it, so I've taken the liberty of coating your precious gargoyles in the stuff before you arrived!"

Batman started to feel woozy. Could he be bluffing? Could this just be the residual effects from his... experimenting earlier in the Batcave. But no, this feeling was unlike any he had felt before. Every muscle in his body seemed to be paralyzed with pure dread. No! he thought to himself. Can't give in! Got to fight it! He dove from the gargoyle and adopted his most intimidating fighting stance, but Scarecrow only responded with his trademark grim laughter. The villain's form seemed to grow larger and more menacing before his eyes. His eyes turned a glowing shade of red and his form towered over the Dark Knight. Now he raised his giant flaming halberd for a deadly strike...

In a desperation maneuver, Batman dove towards his foe and landed under the reach of the swing. As the spear clanged to the ground harmlessly, Scarecrow's form seemed to flash back to ordinary size, and Batman did not miss the opportunity. He ducked in and grabbed the Scarecrow by the collar preparing to deliver a finishing right cross, when suddenly he felt a stinging sensation in his left arm. When Scarecrow had dropped his weapon, he drew a concealed pressurized syringe, which he had just jabbed underneath our hero's outstretched left arm. The shock to his system was too much, and Batman slunk forward, helplessly staring up at his victorious enemy...

Batman awoke in a cold sweat to the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning. Rain pelted down on the windshield of the Batmobile, but our hero wasn't driving. He was chained up in the passenger seat, helpless and babbling like a fool. And who was at the wheel but Batman's greatest arch nemesis, the Joker! With another flash of lightning, Batman found himself strapped to the Clown Prince of Crime's former Hannibal Lecter-style restraints, but with Harley Quinn and the Joker leading the way instead of Guards Cash and Boles. Batman struggled desperately to get free, but to no avail. They stopped when they reached Scarecrow, who was waiting for them in the hall ahead.

"Just got to check your prisoner, dear," said Scarecrow, consulting a chart.

"Better make it quick. He's not looking too good," mocked Harley.

"No, he's not," replied Scarecrow, noting something in his chart. "We really should feel sorry for him. He never fully got over his parents' death. It left him quite insane." He brought his masked face sickeningly close to our hero. "What is going on inside that head of yours, Wayne?"

Batman lunged forward, straining at his bonds. "Cut me free!" he shouted with all his might.

The Scarecrow recoiled and briefly cowered behind his clipboard before composing himself. "Bah, he's gone! Just a twisted shell of a man. We don't expect you to accept your new home easily, Batman, but at least I promise your stay here won't be long!" Scarecrow let out a burst of laughter more hideous than ever before. "He's all yours, Joker!"

"Excellent!" exclaimed the clown prince of crime, drawing a large pistol from his belt. "I've waited a long time for this, Bats. Let's start the party... with a bang!"

He pointed the weapon at our hero and with a shriek of evil laughter, squeezed the trigger...

A Gotham traffic light turns from green to red. A chubby, balding motorist named Charlie nonchalantly drives his beat-up jalopy into the intersection when he suddenly has to slam on his breaks. A small purple motorcycle screeched into the intersection, skidding into a sharp turn, and speeding off past Charlie's driver side window. At the controls was a woman in a black skintight bodysuit wearing a helmet decorated with cat ears. He caught the glint of moonlight catching off a diamond that was flying out of her Santa Claus-style loot bag.

The diamond plinks on the sidewalk and up into the outstretched hand of someone riding a gigantic black motorcycle, a real big one, like Vincent Black Shadow sized, which was bat-themed, naturally. The bike skidded nearly to a stop around the corner in front of Charlie's car, and Charlie heard the rider (upon whose red vest he could clearly discern a stylized letter R) say, "Well, score one back for the Gotham Jewelry Exchange," before slipping the diamond inside his belt and roaring off in the direction of the purple bike.

Robin opens up the throttle, the wind speeding through his miniature cape and across his sleek helmet. He knew that Catwoman's cruiser was no match for the Batcycle on a straightaway, and she had nowhere left to turn. He was gaining more and more ground when... **BEEP** **BEEP** **BEEP** blasted the warning siren of the mobile Batcomputer network into his heads-up display. **URGENT MESSAGE REGARDING STATUS OF: BATMAN** **PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE**

The Boy Wonder instinctively slowed down to a more maneuverable speed before announcing, "Acknowledge," into his headpiece.

**MOST RECENT BIOLOGICAL SCANS FROM BATMAN'S SUIT** continued the computer, **REVEAL HE IS IN CONSIDERABLE PHYSICAL DISTRESS** **ADRENALINE LEVELS ABNORMALLY HIGH** **MASSIVE FEAR REACTION DETECTED IN THE AMYGDALA OF HIS BRAIN** **HALLUCINATIONS VERY LIKELY**

"SOUNDS LIKE... /ahem, sounds like the Scarecrow to me!" muttered Robin, not so much to the computer as to himself. "Computer! what is Batman's current location?"

**SEARCHING...** **FOUND: ARKHAM ASYLUM, ARKHAM ISLAND DISTRICT** **MAKE A U-TURN WHEN SAFE...**

"I know how to get to Arkham Island, you moron!" shouted Robin at the computer, as he executed an elegant 180-degree turn. "Sorry, Computer, you're not a moron. Go ahead and pump the audio recordings gathered from Batman's helmet into the PA system. I promise I'll drive very safely while I'm listening.

"Well, looks like it's hero-rescuing tonight instead of bagging the babe with the cash," he muttered, definitely to himself. At least the trip over there won't be boring if I get to listen to some of Professor Crane's theatrics on the way."

As Catwoman drove on, fastidiously checking her mirrors, she couldn't help but notice that her pursuer had ground to a halt and changed directions. She didn't stop, because of course it could be a trap, but she knew deep down that her night wasn't going to end after depositing her spoils at her safehouse. Maybe she would be able to hunt more than diamonds tonight...

The familiar chime of the Arkham Asylum PA System rings through the air as Robin surveys the scene from a giant tree bordering the grounds, his helmet replaced by a sneaky-looking hood. "Greetings all new residents of Joker Asylum," came the Joker's voice over the speakers. "This is the Joker here, your new lord and master with an urgent bulletin. We have the Bat! No joke! We tied him up and locked him in Poison Ivy's airtight anti-plant cell, and we're taking bets on how long he'll last! So make sure no one else gets in here and spoils the fun before I can make some money!" He burst into a trail of laughter as Robin grit his teeth and took note of how many guards were patrolling the courtyard. He counted three, all spread out, so he dove from the tree and crouched behind the closest one, holding a pistol, who was psyching himself up.

"No way anyone's stupid enough to come in here and mess with us!" he growled. "We've got this whole place sealed, no way in or out. I'd like to..." But before he could finish his boast, he felt a hand go over his mouth at the same time as he was flipped backwards. Blood rushed to his head and he quickly fell into as pure a state of rest as he had known in a long time. But Robin didn't have long to admire his handiwork as Joker's voice blared over the speakers once again.

"You know, boys, I can see the feed from all those security cameras," he went on excitedly, "and I'm watching one of you going sleepy-bye right now, thanks to that caped teenage creep!" Robin noticed for the first time that he was staring right into the lens of a camera mounted on the gate. "Stop him, you fools, before he gets any further!"

"Aw, nice one, Tim," Robin admonished himself. "Master crime-fighter, geez." A well-placed R-style shuriken went right through the glass creating a shower of sparks and a broken camera.

"Hey, over here!" shouted one of the remaining guards, desperately clutching an assault rifle. "I heard something!"

Robin ducked behind a pile of rubble just in time to see two thugs in cover formation burst out from behind an overturned truck. The one leading the way shouted back, "Found him! Man Down, over here!" The two thugs quickly rushed forward and huddled over the body. "Come on, do you hear me? Wake up! Dammit, he's out cold. What do we do now?"

The third guard, who was armed with a combat shotgun, stood a ways back, surveying the scene. "We gotta find him, or we're next. Robin? Can you hear me? Show yourself!" Suddenly a metal object came hurtling over the guards shoulder and embedded itself into the truck next to his nose. "What was that!?" cried the guard, wheeling around to face the threat. He was answered by a rough slap on the shoulder, as if someone had given him a congratulatory pat on the back, or had planted a small device on him, let's say. He wheeled around to find himself face to face with his target.

"Here I am, bro," offered Robin. In one of his shrugging hands he held a small device with a button. "What do you think?" The guard half-smiled/half-snarled and raised his shotgun, but Robin's thumb was faster. With an almost inaudible beeb, he activated the snapflash, which immediately exploded into a burst of smoke. The thug to which it was attached got blown back against the truck and landed on the ground with stars in his eyes. The second guard, who was a little bit further away, was not hurt, but felt himself engulfed by smoke. Robin dashed into the fray, extended his staff, and brought it down hard on the skull of the downed thug. Consciousness quickly left him.

"Where the hell are you, you little creep!?" the second guard shouted, firing blindly towards the smashing noise with surprising accuracy. Robin had to quickly activate the staff's bullet shield to protect himself. When a couple of shots pinged harmlessly off the shield, Robin deftly leapt to one side, while simultaneously pulling out his grapnel gun. As soon as he caught the first glimpse of his enemy through the smoke, he fired an accurate shot that attached directly to his target's arm. Robin relished the sound of surprise as the metal prongs gripped into his clothes and flesh for just a moment, before activating the spring-loaded retraction mechanism that sent him hurtling toward the thug. Sometimes you get a shout of fear from these guys as they see you flying towards them, thought Robin to himself, as he accelerated towards a flying kick. But cuz of the smoke, this guy literally won't know what hit him. It all seemed to happen in slow motion, the moment of impact, the sickening BAM / SPLAT sound, and a limp body on the floor.

"Alright, Robin exclaimed, ducking behind the truck and activating his in-mask GPS. "Let's see if I can put a crimp in whatever Poison Ivy has in store for old Bats tonight." He marked the location on his map and sped off into the night...

Fantasy Astrology Baseball Playoffs 2013

It's that time again, where the year's four best fantasy astrology baseball teams face off to determine the best players under the stars. As the playoff matchups are two weeks each, I'll have plenty of time to talk about the contending teams - the Leo (1) vs. Virgo (4) and Libra (2) vs. Cancer (3) - so now let's take a brief look back at the 10 teams that didn't make the cut. Over the course of the season, ESPN keeps track of each team's weekly matchup leaders, which I have collated and analyzed for your edification. Granted, this is far from an adequate method of determining a team's all-around best players, since my frantic weekly lineup tinkering might very well have kept a potential top performer on the bench, but it's certainly a good place to start.

Aries Rams (13-8)
Justin Masterson (x5)
Felix Hernandez (x4)
Miguel Cabrera (x4)
Matt Harvey (x3)
Jason Kipnis (x2)

This team features some of the most intimidating names in all of baseball and finished with a better record than two playoff teams (but finished behind the red-hot Leo Lions in their division), which makes it even more impressive that Justin Masterson was a weekly leader more times than any other in his breakout season. The first time All-Star (although he didn't pitch in the contest) beat out such greats as last year's Triple Crown winner Miguel Cabrera, former Cy Young Award recipient Felix Hernandez, and the starter for the NL All-Star squad Matt Harvey. Unfortunately three of the four players mentioned above, including Masterson, are currently dealing with injury troubles ranging from the mild (Cabrera) to the potentially career-threatening (Harvey), so it's probably just as well that this team isn't in the playoff picture.


Sagittarius Archers (11-10)
Mat Latos (x3)
David Wright (x2)
Carlos Gomez (x2)
James Shields (x2)
Joe Nathan (x2)
Matt Garza (x2)

SAG's over .500 finish means that no team in the Fire division finished with a losing record, but you can still see how difficult it was for this team to find a consistent leader. Mat Latos has emerged as the bona fide ace of the Cincinnati staff, taking the reins from the oft-injured Johnny Cueto, would-be team offensive leaders Wright and Gomez both had some injury troubles themselves, as did Matt Garza, whose consecutive weeks atop the team leaderboard came leading up to his trade from the rebuilding Cubs to the competitive Rangers. As long as Aries and Leo are battling at the top of this division, I don't think this team has a prayer for reaching the playoffs any time in the near future.

Gemini Twins (11-10)
Craig Kimbrel (x5)
Matt Moore (x4)
Jordan Zimmermann (x3)
Bartolo Colon (x2)

Talk about a closer who can anchor both a fantasy team and a real-life team, Craig Kimbrel's consistency played no small part in maintaining Atlanta's comfortable division lead even when they struggled with offensive injuries and ineffectiveness. Matt Moore likewise has been a revelation, although the Rays have had to play their last month (which they did a quite good job of) with Moore on the DL due to elbow soreness. The fact that all four multiple top scorers are pitchers tells me that this team doesn't quite have a good enough offense to challenge the defending champion Libra for a playoff spot.


Capricorn Goats (10-11)
Mike Minor (x4)
Jon Lester (x2)
Addison Reed (x2)
Edwin Encarnacion (x2)
Hanley Ramirez (x2)
Ivan Nova (x2)

Look at that, another Braves pitcher who spent the most time at the top of his fantasy astrology team's leaderboard. Atlanta's most consistent starter also led my real-life fantasy team, thanks to the disgustingly-disappointing season by Justin Verlander, which is one of the big reasons I failed to make the playoffs this year. The fantasy team with last year's best record was overtaken in the Earth division by the Virgo powerhouse this year, and with Albert Pujols on a clear decline, this squad is not the clear contender they once were.


Scorpio Scorpions (10-11)
Jon Niese (x2)
David Ortiz (x2)
Mike Leake (x2)
Greg Holland (x2)
C.J. Wilson (x2)
Martin Prado (x2)

SCO is the only team to not have a player lead his team more than twice, and what's more, not once was the weekly leader last year's NL Cy Young winner R.A. Dickey, whose smoke-and-mirrors knuckleball act was exposed in Toronto. I am somewhat surprised that neither Pirates surprise success story Jason Gilli nor Francisco Liriano made the list more than once.

Pisces Fish (8-13)
Chris Davis (x5)
Clayton Kershaw (x4)
Anibal Sanchez (x2)
Aroldis Chapman (x2)
Yovani Gallardo (x2)
Fernando Rodney (x2)

Pisces could very well include the year's best performers, on both the offensive and defensive sides, yet they find themselves without a spot in this year's playoffs. Clayton Kershaw is a lock for the NL Cy Young and maybe even the MVP, and if the Orioles end up making the playoffs, Chris Davis could be in line for the AL's version of the same award. I would compare them to my team and say that Justin Verlander's failure to bring his A-game (he led his team in points only one week) kept them from dominating the league, but the stats show no lack of great pitching performers, whether in the rotation or the bullpen. I guess the old adage that good pitching wins championships doesn't apply to the fantasy landscape...


Taurus Bulls (6-15)
Homer Bailey (x5)
Edward Mujica (x5)

As if I needed another example, here's another team whose best performers were consistently pitchers - just two pitchers, in fact - but who fell well short of a .500 season. Not much more to say than better luck next time.


Aquarius Water-Carriers (4-17)
Austin Jackson (x3)
Hiroki Kuroda (x3)
Doug Fister (x2)
Julio Teheran (x2)
Alex Gordon (x2)
A.J. Griffin (x2)

The combined cases of Taurus and Aquarius prove that having a small or large number of multiple weekly leaders can both lead to a bad team overall. It's a good thing that both of these teams rank in the top 3 of the Fantasy Astrology Football league that I just recently built, so at least sports fans born under these signs don't have reason to despair utterly.

Liveblogging: Minnesota Twins @ Texas Rangers, 08/30/13

Five minutes before first pitch: MIN - 0, TEX - 0

It's been a while since I've followed a game closely, and since the outcome of this game affects my beloved A's in the standings, this seems as good as any. Tonight's first infographic, courtesy of mlb.com's gameday, shows the starting pitchers in tonight's ballgame: about as one-sided a matchup as you can get. Yu Darvish is easily the Rangers' staff ace and a top 5 fantasy option (one of only five SPs, in fact, to break the 2,000 point threshold so far with 2,110), while Liam Hendricks (just 14 points all season in 4 starts) sits at about 10 on the Twins' depth chart. Furthermore, Hendricks hails from Perth, Australia, and the A's have had some bad luck recently as far as Australians are concerned. But here's a chance to reverse that karma! And I heard something once about how people love an underdog story, so how fitting for one to take place in the Dog Days of August!


End 3rd Inning: MIN - 0, TEX - 1

First, some big picture info about each of these ballclubs: As we saw before the game, Darvish has the 5th most fantasy points of any starting pitcher in the game right now (6th overall; Craig Kimbrel is the reliever who's eclipsed him). The Twins' highest-ranking pitcher: closer Glen Perkins, who clocks in at #36. Among batters, Adrian Beltre leads the Rangers at #8 - Alex Rios also clocks in the top 50. You have to go all the way to #63 before you find a Twin: Joe Mauer, who's on the 7-day concussion DL. So you really have to go down about another 20 spots before you get your first active Twin in Justin Morneau, who I'm hoping selfishly gets traded to the A's, even if it means the Rangers picking up Daric Barton on waivers when he goes down to make room.

But it's neither team's top-ranked fantasy player, but rather MLB's top-ranked prospect Jurickson Profar who strikes first with a solo home run in the 3rd. As Liam Hendriks has worked himself out of a jam that was worthy of a mound visit by the pitching coach, let's honor the team who scored first with an infographic of their lineup. Stats (i.e. fantasy points) are from the All-Star break. Some analysis to follow in the coming innings:

End of the 4th: MIN - 0, TEX - 2

I maintain that the Alex Rios trade was the one event that was most devastating for the A's, as it both gave their only divisional competitors a solid hitter to replace the suspended Nelson Cruz, but it also allowed the Rangers to make enough space on their roster to claim Adam Rosales for the SECOND TIME in 10 days - one of the most entertaining Oakland players to watch. Those two represent the only two offensive midseason trade acquisitions for the Rangers. On the pitching side, two contributors to the starting rotation made their way to Texas from other teams this year: the traded pitcher with the highest Points Per Game average at the time of his trade Matt Garza, and a former Oakland swingman who was acquired from the Astros as a reliever, Travis Blackley.

Texas has something going in the bottom of the 4th with a hard single from the Rangers' third-best fantasy hitter Ian Kinsler, who was just recently moved to the three spot in the batting order. Kinsler now comes in to score on a groundout by bitterly-hated ex-Twin A.J. Pierzynski, after he moved up to 3rd base on a SB/throwing error by the catcher Chris Herrmann. This was in turn after he should have been doubled off first after a great catch by Twins RF Darin Mastroianni (who, no matter what he does on the baseball field, will never eclipse his namesake 1960s Italian heartthrob Marcello Mastroianni in terms of coolness).

Geez, and Alex Rios has 32 SB's this season? That ties his 2008 total and is 2 shy of his career-high 2010 total. I think he should have gone to the Pirates. As great as Marlon Byrd has been for the Mets, his acquisition might be too little too late with how both St. Louis and Cincinnati are playing. Meanwhile, Jurickson Profar can't repeat the performance from his first AB, but the damage has been done and Texas now takes a 2-0 lead into the 5th inning.

30 Minutes after End of Game: MIN - 3, TEX - 2

If I had been able to stay awake for another couple of innings, I would have seen not only the Twins' first hit of the ballgame, but also their impressive come-from-behind win on back to back home runs, first from third string backup catcher Chris Herrmann (making up for his bad throw on Kinsler's stolen base attempt earlier in the game) then Justin Morneau (in what is hopefully an audition for Billy Beane). Due to their performance, I guess the Twins deserve to have their current active fantasy style roster published for all to see:

LEGO Arkham Asylum, Part 2

Click here for Previously on LEGO Arkham Asylum!

NOTE: The videos are embedded for soundtrack purposes only. The idea is for you, dear reader, to hit play before you start reading, and the music should last until the next segment (i.e. the next embedded video). The pictures are just included so the videos can stand alone on YouTube.

On the outskirts of Gotham City, far from the dark gothic mass of Arkham, stood stately Wayne Manor, home of billionaire playboy/entrepreneur/philanthropist Bruce Wayne. Gotham's most eligible bachelor has just pulled his expensive car into the driveway, the engine still hot from his 14-mile commute from Wayne Tower, where he spent his day at the helm of WayneTech Enterprises. As you can imagine, he's kind of a big deal - just look at his expensive suit, well-defined cheekbones, and perfectly coiffed hairdo.

His faithful butler, Alfred, took the car and drove it around to the expansive garage as our hero rushed to the false bookcase in the study and took the hidden elevator down to his second home: the Batcave! Built in a network of caves underneath the foundation of Wayne Manor, the Batcave is the secret base of operations of Gotham's trademark hero, Batman, housing a garage and hangar big enough for his various Bat-vehicles, an armory stocked with Bat-Gear, and a state-of-the-art $50 million computer. It was at this computer that Bruce Wayne sat down and activated a secret panel underneath the desk, exposing a shiny herbal vaporizing device. Wayne was not a man to indulge in the idle vices - this device was filled with a compound synthesized from a chemical Batman had collected from his last run-in with the Scarecrow's minions at the Health Springs Spa. Better to try to build up an immunity, rather than get caught off guard again, Wayne thought, as he took a long draw from the pipe.

"Computer," coughed Wayne through a wisp of hazy blue smoke. "Activate random case file. Display onscreen." The computer's familiar clicking and whirring echoed through the cave as images started to flash across the screen. Whenever Wayne had any free time, which was rare given the responsibilities inherent in living a double life, he liked to review the extensive case notes he took every time he donned the Batsuit to fight crime. But as the computer settled on a particular file, Wayne gasped sharply. Not this one, he thought. Not today. Batman had Poison Ivy secure in his holding cell, but Bane, under the influence of her mind-altering pheromones, had sought her out, broke into the Batcave, and waged a fierce battle to rescue her. It was one of the rare missions Batman had ever had to work on his home turf. It was also the last mission he ever worked with the second Robin, Jason Todd...

But before the memories had time to fully sink in, Wayne's attention was drawn by the bright flashing and loud blaring of the "ALERT" siren. Thanks to Wayne Enterprises technologies, the Batcomputer had a direct, semi-legal link into all emergency broadcast frequencies in the city, ensuring that Batman would always have a leg up on the criminal population, often hearing of events before even local law enforcement. This transmission was coming from Arkham Asylum, so it took highest priority (i.e. had the brightest flashing and loudest blaring).

"This is Arkham Guard Frank Boles," came the voice over the speaker. "We are experiencing a code red escape attempt! Guard Cash and Dr. Quinzell are trapped upstairs with the Joker and he's locked off all communications. He somehow gained access to the entire mainframe. I don't know what's going on, but we're gonna need backup over here, n..." But Boles's voice was abruptly cut off by the gruesome sound of regulation plastic polymer smashing into human skull, followed by the unmistakable laugh that can only come from one man: the Joker. Then nothing but haunting static.

In a flash, Wayne was out of his chair and running full speed to his quick-change chamber, a gadget he had specially built for a time just like this when time was of the essence. The quickest route to Arkham was by air, and the Batwing's autopilot was competent enough that he would be able to prepare for whatever situation awaited him by reviewing the Arkham security feed on the heads-up display via satellite uplink. Wayne settled himself in the quick-change chamber and drew a deep breath as he pushed the button that would complete his transformation into...

BATMAN!

Back at Arkham Asylum, Joker had wasted no time making himself at home. The sedated form of Aaron Cash sat twitching and frothing at the mouth, strapped into the patient observation chair. Frank Boles and what was left of his face sat slumped over the guard desk at the entryway. The sound of alarms echoed through the halls - a haunting accompaniment to the screams of the guards as they were brutally overtaken by swarms of released criminals and henchmen. Joker took it all in, humming to himself as he playfully wandered through the cell block, meticulously destroying each security camera or Arkham guard he came across, with his newly-minted henchwoman at his side.

"Harley, my dear," he chuckled, wiping off his knife. "I do believe this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship."

"Oh, Mister J!" squealed Quinn, deftly leaping up and slicing the power to a camera high on the wall overlooking the computer in the Security Control Room. "Do ya mean it?"

"Er... Yeah, yeah, sure," responded Joker, more interested in the controls than whatever Harley was saying. "But Batman is sure to be on his way as we speak. Which one of our friends should I let out to deal with him, hmm?"

Joker found just the one. A stream of eerie green mist seemed to seep out of the cell as the door slid mechanically open. A foot stepped out into the mist, belonging to a man dressed in tattered clothes made out of burlap sacks sewn together with the remains of a torn Arkham inmate uniform, then produced the crown jewel of his costume: a ghastly mask that covered his face and extended above his head in the form of a warped wicked witch's hat.

"Here's Johnny!" shouted the Joker, gleefully embracing his newest cohort. "Johnny Crane, that is, FORMER professor of psychiatry at Gotham University, give it up for him, folks!" But instead, the shouts of violence and revelry seemed to die down in the Scarecrow's presence. All the remaining guards and even some of Joker's braver henchmen skittered away before the master of fear, whose only response was a burst of grim laughter. Lightning strikes here, why not.

"Say, think you could whip up a batch of that fear gas of yours before ol' pointy-ears shows up?" inquired Joker. "I don't care how you do it - maybe it involves eating a big fear burrito, I don't know - but I think it would be hilarious to use the security cameras here to videotape "our hero" going completely out of his mind!"

"Yes!" responded the Scarecrow. "Simply point me towards the laboratory and I shall make the bat cower before me!" Then more laughter, from both of them, then out.

Smash to: Fade in: Main Gates of Arkham Asylum. Pan up to reveal the Arkham building far across a wide expanse of courtyard, which is deserted, save for some flipped over/burning trucks and a few henchman wandering around causing trouble. Suddenly a rogue Arkham guard rushes out from behind cover and breaks for the gate. One henchman spots him, yells, and signals for two others, who soon give chase. They're just about to surround him when...

A familiar silhouette crosses the moon and the henchman freeze. They simultaneously look up to see our hero Batman, who streaks by in his newest, shininest black Batsuit and his finest hang-glider. He detaches himself from his aerial vehicle and extends his cape, easing himself into a glide, but is still traveling fast enough to deliver a flying kick to one of the henchman at a considerable speed. He goes sprawling onto his back, while another immediately charges with a pipe. He gets a batarang between the eyes for his trouble and staggers back. The third one, who was closer to the fray, manages to throw a big haymaker punch, but Batman goes into aikido stance, Shomenuchi Ikkiyo Tenkan (although he doesn't stop when the henchman taps), and the goon ends up with one less usable arm. The stars disappear from the last thug's eyes just in time to see a Sweet Chin Music that puts his lights out (although he doesn't bother to pin). Batman latches his grapple gun to the nearest gargoyle, hoists himself up there, and surveys the scene, heroically.

Fantasy Astrology Midseason Additions

I know all of you who read my last post several weeks ago are just DYING to find out what happens next in the exciting adventure at LEGO Arkham Asylum.  I promise there's a very cool second act on the way, but it's taking me a while to get it through post-production.  In the meantime, there has been a lot happening in the baseball world that I have been paying great attention to, including the (utterly boring) Trade Deadline and the announcement of 12 (mostly boring) Biogenesis PED-related suspensions.  But what I've been focusing on is the All-Star Break edition of my 40-Man Roster project, which I've used to compile a midseason statistical database, which in turn has helped me optimize the teams in my Fantasy Astrology project.

I admit that I am not perfect in all of my endeavors.  I think I've made this metaphor before in this space, but the great Persian Rug weavers would intentionally weave mistakes into their greatest works because they believe that nothing should be perfect except Allah.  The blinding hubris of this practice aside, it wasn't for this reason that I left some of the hottest players in 2013 off their respective astrology rosters.  It was simply because I didn't spend the requisite time and energy scouring the waiver wire of the league to keep all the rosters up to date.  But that mistake has been rectified as of this weekend, thanks to my tireless database work.  Here is a roster made up of the best players who haven't yet appeared to represent their astrological teams this season:

Some pretty big names in there, including some who I added to my own fantasy team, but failed to do the same for the astrological universe.  I am referring in this case to Dodgers phenom Yasiel Puig, but I'll get to him later, seeing as his new team is stuck in the middle of the standings (although surprisingly still over .500, even without the electrifying youngster).  Instead I'd like to go team-by-team, astrology standings style.  The first place Leo Lions sure do have a knack for developing young breakout stars - Mike Trout and Yu Darvish last year, Jose Fernandez and Evan Gattis this year.  The addition of the Marlins' lone All-Star will do more than shore up the pitching staff behind Max Scherzer, Darvish, and Madison Bumgarner while Clay Buchholz recovers (and I use that term optimistically) from his mysterious neck injury.  Matt Joyce has played an important offensive part in the success of a very good team, but despite his addition he'll be on the bench behind Trout, Adam Jones, Colby Rasmus, and the recently hot Jason Heyward.  Justin Wilson has been one of the best middle relievers in baseball working from the back-end of an overworked Pirates bullpen, but he'll fall to 3rd in the RP depth chart behind two guys who are actually picking up saves (Joaquin Benoit and Huston Street).

Three teams are tied with 11 wins each, and one of them might not even make the playoffs (provided the ESPN system takes the winner from each division rather than just selecting the teams with the four best records).  The Aries Rams didn't have too many glaring needs, but what few they had were more than adequately addressed with these additions: newly-crowned Red Sox closer Koji Uehara and top Pirates setup man Mark Melancon slide into the two RP roles recently vacated by a middle reliever (David Robertson) and a former closer (John Axford).  Rockies ace Jorge De La Rosa would be a welcome addition to most any pitching staff... except for the one that already includes Felix Hernandez, Matt Harvey, Chris Sale, Justin Masterson, Hisashi Iwakuma, Hyun-Jin Ryu, and Chris Tillman.  I guess it's true when they say, "Them that has, gets."

The Libra Scales also picked up two newly-minted closers: Kenley Jansen (taking over for the ill-advised Brandon League) and Brad Ziegler (the latest to step into an Arizona closer-by-committee that has so far included Heath Bell (another new addition), J.J. Putz, and David Hernandez).  On the offensive side, Libra picked up another first baseman (Chris Johnson's secondary position) to put some pressure on the untraded Michael Young.  While the five SP's listed above are tops in terms of total points, a fair amount of mostly rookie breakout hits have more than competed in terms of PPG, a more valuable measure of competence given a small sample size.  One of these pitchers, Chris Archer, has been hot lately and will fill a rotation spot this week.  Another one of those pitchers, Gerrit Cole, will jump into Virgo's rotation for their all-important matchup against Leo this week.  Virgo's other two additions were surprisingly timely, considering how solid this team has been all year: Matt Dominguez is a welcome addition at 3B given Will Middlebrooks's demotion and Mike Moustakas's chronic failure to make it big, and Marlon Byrd will slide comfortably into an outfield spot with Domonic Brown and Carlos Quentin feeling the hurt recently.

Astrology neighbors (and opponents this week) have something in common other than their shared win total of 10: they both lost more important pieces due to suspensions than they gained through the midseason addition process.  Cancer gained a couple of starting pitchers not on the main list (Reds rookie Tony Cingrani and Twins WBC-inspired callup Samuel Deduno) who are both starting this week, but lost power hitting outfielder and Deduno's WBC teammate Nelson Cruz (who will be replaced by WBC Team Italy's Chris Denorfia, as neither Adam Lind nor Luke Scott have OF eligibility).  Gemini also added two starters that will jump into the rotation (Mets prospect Zack Wheeler and converting reliever Bruce Chen) and a closer (although Kevin Gregg will have to warm the bench behind consistent weekly leader Craig Kimbrel and WBC Team USA's Steve Cishek), but they lost Jhonny Peralta (who thankfully was DH-ing with some guy called Jose Reyes Gemini's main SS).

The Fire division is far and away the most powerful division in the league with all three members, including third place Sagittarius, playing over .500 fantasy ball.  And they just got a lot better, netting the hottest-hitting addition (Yasiel Puig leads runner-up Marlon Byrd by more than 5 points every contest) and the most consistent pitching addition (Eric Stults is toiling away in a forgotten corner of Southern California, but he has more total points than even the All-Star Jose Fernandez).  Water Division rivals Scorpio and Pisces had the fewest new additions, although Michael Saunders will start in CF for the Scorpions, seeing how Desmond Jennings is banged up and Coco Crisp is struggling of late, and Erik Bedard will take the injured Yovani Gallardo's place in the Fish rotation.  The two remaining Earth Division teams picked up some meaningful players, even though neither will likely be playing meaningful fantasy matchups down the stretch.  Capricorn and Taurus both picked up shortstop eligible players: Jose Iglesias goes to the Goats (and he'll play if Hanley Ramirez hits the DL for his shoulder ailment) and Brian Dozier went to the Bulls (but he has played primarily 2B this year).  The Bulls also swapped washed up veteran Justin Morneau for the surprisingly successful James Loney, but he'll play third fiddle at 1B behind Prince Fielder and Adrian Gonzalez.  Aquarius is a total lost cause with only 3 wins on the season, but at least they got a couple of good pitchers (two from the main list and another from the backup list), a third string backup catcher with more upside than Carlos Ruiz, and a new first baseman to sit on the bench (Lyle Overbay, the only one not listed above).

I'll revisit these rosters again in a month when the calendar page changes again (in addition to doing the weekly lineup tinkering, about which I've been very consistent), but my guess is that things won't change too much as we head into the dog days.  Until then, it's root, root, root for your birthsign as the second season of Astrology Baseball rolls on!