LEGO Chronicles: Blacktron Spectral Starguider

Exhaust from a shoulder-mounted jetpack fills the air, as an astronaut flies in and skids to a halt. His Suit is white with black trim, including a black helmet, on which the translucent green visor accentuates the large green letter B on his chest.

"Blacktron astronaut Breeze reporting for dutyyy!" he singsongs heroically, throwing up a smart salute. As he pops open his visor, it's clear that the green tint had been muting the garish red of his bushy moustache and eyebrows, and also the blue of his temple-mounted cybernetic implant. "How's the progress on the Spectral Starguiderrr?"

"Going adequately," responds the deck officer, adjusting her glasses over the microphone in her headset. "We're just mounting the retro-rockets on the command module."

The command module is marked by twin domed octagonal canopies, of the same translucent green as Breeze's visor. They're mounted on either side of a massive central brick, 2 units wide by 4 units long by 2 units tall, on hinges that open outwards like suicide doors. Actually, the size and shape of them makes the canopies resemble big green elephant ears - with the trunk formed by a curving windscreen that folds down from the bottom when opened.

"You know you're not going to be able to fit that jetpack in there," comments the deck officer, as she oversees the robots, technicians, and robotic technicians that are welding the white camera-looking elements to the side.

"What? I'm not flying this thing," replies Breeze dismissively. "I'm just the tech officer, here to oversee the computer and the cargo. Speaking of which... I think that's Flash with the goods right now."

"Just got it from the fellers at the computer lab," pipes another astronaut, entering with a whoosh from automatic doors. Although their spacesuits are the same, this one - codenamed Flash - wears a black-backpack-mounted air-filtration system, much less cumbersome than Breeze's jetpack. Their auburn hair drapes lazily down over a blue cybernetic implant, secured like a headband over their forehead. "Why don't you go fire up that computer? That's your purview, right?"

"Already on my way to the technical module now," replies Breeze, sliding his hand over a large yellow arrow at the back of said module. This one also has twin green canopies, but these are mounted on the tops of two portholes, so that they open up instead of out. But the main method of entry is through the back, which started to fold down from the bottom, after the roof first folded forward from the top, releasing the latch.

Inside, mounted on the rear edge of a white basket-like 4x4 base was a black electronic container box, the front of which was covered with a complex series of buttons, dials, and lights. With a few taps of Breeze's fingers, the panel starts glowing, and a slot opens up near the top.

"All yours, Flash." He gestures towards machinery.

"Thank you, kind sir," rejoins his partner, producing a 1x2 smooth tile, which is itself covered with similar circuitry. When held lengthwise, or in landscape mode, there's an amber readout screen near the top-middle, flanked by red and green buttons of various sorts. Flash inserts the microchip into the slot, which makes a satisfying plink as the larger computer engulfs the smaller one.

"Done. Now it's all ready for transport across the planet's surface, no matter what's out there." Breeze fiddles with the controls and the module starts to close up again. "So remind me, we're taking this thing where?"

"We got a distress call from an M-Tron vehicle in sector 7-G," explains the deck officer, barely reacting as a robotic crane swings next to her and grabs the tech module. "He was following beacon out that way, when a large blast of some kind blew his craft apart and fried his circuits. This thing you're carrying should help him get back on his feet... or his wheels at least."

Speaking of wheels, the tech module has been settled in the middle of a giant, six-wheeled base, locking into place with a pin at its back. Each wheel is easily the size of an astronaut, helmet included, with the front wheels set wider apart than the middle, which were themselves wider than the rearmost ones, sort of like a reverse-arrow.

"Heh, M-Tron," scoffs Breeze. "Using the power of MAGNETS to locate and transport vial resources," Breeze mockingly recited from some promotional material. "Couldn't use your super magnetic capabilities to remain out of harm's way THIS time, could you? We Blacktron have advanced in ways which set us apart from our adversaries, to become the strongest power in the universe! Just look at this jetpack!"

"Calm down, Breeze," chuckles Flash, hopping into  the command module, which had just been attached to the front end of the base. Unlike the tech module, the command module attached right between the two front wheels, so that Flash was basically sitting at ground level. "And in fact, you'll probably have to take that thing off while you're driving the base. You'll need both hands to steer this behemoth."

"Ugh, alright, I hear ya," grumbles Breeze, as he stuffs his jetpack into the tech module, replacing it with an air tank, same as Flash's. His now-slimmer profile settles in at a jackhammer-looking joystick, mounted on a crosshatched plate above the two rear wheels. "I still don't know why they didn't make it so you could control this thing from the command module."

"Hey, I fly the modified ship when it's in shuttle formation," barks Flash. "You know, when the command module locks in place with the tech module? What do you think those two huge jets on the back of your computer box are for?"

"Well, whatever they're for, I sure hope they don't turn on while I'm standing here, or I'll be fried." Breeze looks nervously at the two engines in front of his face, and then at the smaller single one behind him, designed to move the combined craft. "At least out here I'll be able to get some fresh air. OK, open the doors and fire up that antenna thing of yours!"

A green and black rectangular dish mounted on the top of the command module starts twisting back and forth, relaying information onto the windscreen in front of Flash. At the same time, the deck officer punches something into her command tablet, and two huge doors of the hangar swing open.

"Alright, we've got a signal," cries flash into their communicator. "Continue due east for 25 degrees. And watch out for that terrain."

"Copy that, Flash-O," returns Breeze. "Just let me maneuver this thing... wha-? REAR wheel turning? How am I possibly gonna control this thing?"

Thus the Spectral Starguider crawled off into an alien sunset, to the sound of two old friends complaining.

Aries - Fantasy Astrology 2020 Preview

A few days ago, the Karmic Wheel began a new rotation as the sun entered Aries. This is of course the sign under which are born the members of the Aries Rams Fantasy Astrology team. I previewed  the last two signs with projected rosters of my upcoming Fantasy Astrology League (courtesy of ESPN), which are now all done; but two major things happened since then. First, the delay of the 2020 MLB season due to COVID-19, rendering said fantasy league irrelevant in the near future. Second, the release of the newest entrant in the MLB The Show franchise, allowing me to create fantasy astrology simulations with in-game lineups. What follows is an Aries-centered comparison of the player RANKING system developed by MLB.com (i.e. 1st is best, etc), and the player RATING system used by the video game's algorithm (on a 1 to 100 scale).

Aries is represented by the Phillies, mostly because of the uniforms' red color scheme.

First, the unquestioned top end. There are only four players who receive a 99 overall rating in MLB The Show 2020: Mike Trout, Max Scherzer, Jacob deGrom, and Nolan Arenado, the latter of which is the Aries third baseman. (Two of those are Leos, but that's a post for August, when we'll HOPEFULLy have some actual baseball going on.) Arenado is ranked in MLB's top 10, along with the player who is #2 on the Rams depth chart, Alex Bregman. Thankfully, Bregman and his 95 rating are also eligible at shortstop, due to Carlos Correa's frequent injuries. Matt Olson has proved himself a powerhouse on both sides of the ball, and the fact that he plays a great first base makes it even more palatable for switch-hitting Carlos Santana to occupy the DH slot. David Dahl is developing into a very solid player anywhere in the outfield, but Lorenzo Cain is the best choice to roam center field. He may even be more valuable in the game setting, where his fabulous defense counts for something.

Now to the discrepancies between the game and the fantasy rankings. Jeff McNeil carries an 89 rating into the game, making him the top option to handle second base. His ranking of 77 also affords him that honor, but given his ability to play all over the diamond, McNeil's better suited shoring up an outfield that is weak beyond the Dahl/Cain duo. This is especially true when you consider former top prospect Cavan Biggio is ranked 94 by MLB.com, so you would want that configuration to maximize a lineup with the best-ranked players (actually HIGHEST-ranked in terms of quality, but lowest sum of of ranked players). But either MLB.com is overrating young former prospects, or the game is underrating them, because Biggio has to settle for a 75 overall rating. We see a similar situation behind the plate: Buster Posey was undoubtedly one of the best catchers of the last decade, which is reflected in his 83 overall game rating. Such high marks certainly aren't reflected by Posely's 2019 production (a meager average of 7.7 points per game), which helped him fall all the way to 303 in the rankings. Much higher (at 102) is Dodgers catcher Will Smith (not to be confused with the Braves (Cancer) reliever of the same name), and he's not that far behind Posey, with a 79 rating... but he technically wouldn't win the backup catcher's job due to Tom Murphy's 82 and Mike Zunino's 81. (To be fair, if this were a real-life situation where a manager REALLY trusts Posey, you'd want Smith to get regular reps in Triple-A.

I actually did some in-depth calculations to link astrology signs to real life teams. You can read about it here:
https://thoughtsaboutbaseball.blogspot.com/2018/11/astrology-signs-to-mlb-teams.html

One thing that makes a simulation simpler than a real-world-reflecting fantasy league is the lack of injuries... at least to start the season. Red Sox ace lefty Chris Sale is rated 93 in the game, even though his ranking had been plummeting: down to 144 when play was suspended on March 10 (Pisces season). This was due due to an arm problem that led to Tommy John surgery, wiping out any of Sale's potential 2020 campaign. Another former top Aries pitcher had a lost 2019 season, as two-time Cy Young winner Corey Kluber - whose 87 ranking almost exactly mirrors his 88 rating - is newly recovered from a broken pitching arm. Even though that was injury was the result of a comebacker hit to the mound, that reminds me of the injury notification from All-Star Baseball 2001 for the Nintendo 64: "Corey Kluber is injured with a br. arm." Talk about ominous...

I give each simulated team the option of carrying up to seven (7) starting pitchers, including two in long relief roles. One of these might be an especially good option for Kenta Maeda - even though he out-rates (however slightly) the likes of Eduardo Rodriguez and Jake Odorizzi - since the Dodgers have utilized Maeda that way in the later parts of recent seasons. Another big discrepancy in rankings vs. ratings happens in the person of Frankie Montas: the suspension returnee is ranked a strong 130, but enjoys just a 76 rating in the game.

If you've looked at analysis of Aries in past fantasy astrology seasons, you may recognize the lack of an important bullpen piece: a study I did after the close of last season suggests that Indians closer Brad Hand may actually be a Pisces. However even a Hand-less Rams bullpen is still an unmistakable strength, with arguably the best reliever in the game, Josh Hader, joining with breakout closer Kirby Yates to create a lefty-righty one-two punch. And it doesn't stop there, with top setup reliever Dellin Betances, potential Pirates closer Keone Kela, the upside of Edwin Diaz, and the injured David Robertson waiting in the wings.

* Baseball Tarot *
Many years ago, when I was going through a Tarot phase, I was gifted a Baseball Tarot deck, which replaces the arcane and occult imagery of the traditional Tarot with baseball concepts and metaphors. One of the most basic two-card layouts is called "Pitch and Swing" where the first card represents the situation you're facing and the second card represents your best course of action or attitude in response. Since fantasy baseball rankings and Tarot both share aspects of Divination, I've decided to do a reading as part my analysis of each sign's upcoming season.

As with Pisces, we have one of the Major Arcana as the first card - and we finally get a reading that doesn't include the Three of Bases. The Aries "Pitch" is XII The Slump, although it is notable that this card came out inverted. Aries won the Fantasy Astrology championship back in 2017, and no team except Libra has multiple victories (since I started this project in 2012), so a two-year drought would not exactly qualify as a slump, at least not relative to the rest of the league. That might be where the inverted factor comes into play: this card corresponds to The Hanged Man in a traditional Tarot deck, and THAT card has a very different connotation when inverted (since the man is hanged upside down).

The book that comes with the Baseball Tarot deck explains that when the Slump card appears in a reading, "You are probably in a rut, experiencing self-doubts or a wave of depression, confronting difficulties that just won't go away." I wouldn't say that this outlook applies specifically to the Aries roster, excepting of course ace pitcher Chris Sale's season-ending injury. But it's an understatement to say that the sport of baseball (and the world in general) is experiencing "difficulties that just won't go away" due to the Coronavirus pandemic. Seen from this wider perspective, the Aries "Swing" card, The MVP of Mitts (Cups in traditional Tarot), can be viewed as a guide to action for everyone in this global crisis. The "Accomplishments of the Heart and Spirit" subtitle references internal awareness, trusting your emotions, and compassion, something that we could all stand to focus on during these times of quarantines and social distancing. The book describes the upside of this card's meaning as "Success in an endeavor requiring love, giving, sensitivity, or intuition," which I think is a good way to describe how we should be approaching life right now.

As I mentioned above, Aries represents the start of a new rotation of the Karmic Wheel, thus the Tarot reading associated with this sign can be expected to have wider-reaching implications than some other signs. I've given up trying to assess what this reading might say about the particular outlook of the Aries Rams team in the potential upcoming season, choosing instead to focus on the bigger picture. With that in mind, I'd like to close with one more quote from the Baseball Tarot book by Mark Lerner and Laura Phillips: "The outcome will be influenced most by your ability to recognize and experience your feelings, tap into your intuition, and act with compassion toward everyone in the situation, including yourself." Easier said than done, obviously, but good advice to keep in mind. Stay safe and stay at home, everyone!

Fantasy Astrology 2020 Team Ranks - Super Tuesday

If you follow my Twitter, you'll know that I tried just about everything to distract myself from politics following Super Tuesday, to no avail. One of my activities was to determine aggregate team ranks for my Fantasy Astrology Baseball League. To do this, I re-updated my baseball database with up-to-date rankings for all of MLB.com's top 800 players, then I determined projected lineups for all 12 signs based on those rankings, and finally I added up the rankings of all the players in those projected lineups to create one all-encompassing number representing the fantasy talent level of each sign. The results may shock and surprise you...

First of all, it's curious that stars from both the top and bottom ranked signs inked extensions with their real-life clubs just days ago. Sagittarius outfielder Christian Yelich, the #1 ranked player according to MLB this year, will continue with the Brewers for the next nine years. Meanwhile Yoan Moncada will handle third base for the White Sox for the foreseeable future, although he's pushed to DH on Gemini by the presence of Anthony Rendon. Also remember that we're dealing with rankings and not fantasy point totals, so the lower numbers are better. Which is why SAG having the top two-ranked players (Ronald Acuna Jr. is #2) puts them handily at the top of the list.

Possibly not coincidentally, the next-ranked team, Leo, has the #3 overall player Mike Trout (a consensus #1 player for many years before this). And the trend continues with Cancer finishing behind them with the help of #4 player Cody Bellinger (last year's NL MVP). The fourth team, Aries, has not only the #5 player, but also the #8 player... but you can check out more detailed analysis of the top-ranked fantasy players in MLB here.

Moving towards the bottom, of both this list of signs and of MLB.com's fantasy rankings, last year's champion Virgo falls to the bottom four largely because of a single position. The only ranked catcher in the VIR talent pool is John Hicks, who was a frequently-used backup for the Tigers in 2019, but finds himself third (at best) on Arizona's depth chart, and on a minor league invitation to spring training. This uncertain status leaves him with a ranking of 798 out of 800, dragging down an otherwise respectable lineup at basically every position.

While individual player rankings will change (some of them drastically) in the (roughly) next three weeks before the start of the season, but I doubt if the general hierarchy of fantasy signs will shift that much. But only time (and the injury bug) will tell if the stars will show stability or upheaval.

Pisces - Fantasy Astrology 2020 Preview

As the calendar turns to the month of March, we also march into the biggest month of Pisces season. Thus, Pisces will be the next sign I'll profile in my preview of the 2020 Fantasy Astrology Baseball season. For details on this particular preview series, please check out the previous post about Aquarius. Although unlike the Water Carriers, the Fish have had some Fantasy Astrology success, winning the championship back in 2015, unseating threepeat champions Libra team, thanks to the performances of Clayton Kershaw, Jake Arrieta, and Chris Davis. I'll bet you'll be able to guess which two of those three players will start the 2020 season on the Pisces projected 40-player roster:

Remember that the fantasy rankings displayed here are current as of Valentine's Day, which is why Luis Severino is listed here, despite the fact that he will miss the entire 2020 season due to Tommy John surgery. While it surely hurts to lose a pitcher of Sevy's caliber, the Fish still have a high quality rotation, with a top end of Justin Verlander, Clayton Kershaw, and German Marquez. The depth falls off somewhat after that, at least considering established starters, despite the fact that Anibal Sanchez was an integral part of the World Champion Nationals last season. But in terms of replacing Severino's production, the best shots might be pitching prospect Mackenzie Gore, depending on when the Padres see fit to bring him up to the Show.

But while the Fish have lost a starter (due to injury), they actually gain a reliever (due to some bookkeeping corrections). Players aren't supposed to change teams in the Fantasy Astrology landscape, but some research I did this offseason shows that I had misclassified Brad Hand as an Aries in previous versions of this project. Hand joins the Pisces player pool prior to 2020, joining flamethrowing Cuban Aroldis Chapman to form arguably the best lefty-lefty bullpen duo in the league. The bullpen is deep too, with former/potential closers Scott Oberg, Daniel Hudson, Sergio Romo, and Emmanuel Clase.

The same bookkeeping corrections that delivered Brad Hand also took away longtime shortstop Didi Gregorius, who is in fact an Aquarius. The incumbent shortstop, Jean Segura, will maintain his eligibility, even though he is moving over to second base in Philadelphia to make room for... you guessed it, Didi Gregorius. But as soon as Segura does qualify at the keystone, he'll move to make room for Blue Jays recent prospect graduate Bo Bichette. Speaking of infielders north of the border, Vladimir Guerrero Jr. didn't break out last year like we all hoped, but everyone believes the potential is there. Still, he might need to look over his shoulder at Miguel Andujar, depending on his role/production with the Yankees.

As far as locks for the roster, J.T. Realmuto is arguably the best catcher in the game. Jorge Soler, Nick Castellanos, and Tommy Pham should fill up the corner OF/DH slots, leaving center field for Michael Conforto, and creating a camp battle at first base between Trey Mancini and Rhys Hoskins. That leaves Kyle Schwarber to fight for a bench spot against two of baseball's most versatile utility players: Marwin Gonzalez and Niko Goodrum.


* Baseball Tarot *
Many years ago, when I was going through a Tarot phase, I was gifted a Baseball Tarot deck, which replaces the arcane and occult imagery of the traditional Tarot with baseball concepts and metaphors. One of the most basic two-card layouts is called "Pitch and Swing" where the first card represents the situation you're facing and the second card represents your best course of action or attitude in response. Since fantasy baseball rankings and Tarot both share aspects of Divination, I've decided to do a reading as part my analysis of each sign's upcoming season.

Divination really sucks sometimes. All the excitement after pulling one of the Major Arcana for the "Pitch" (XVI: Whole New Ballgame), only to be totally crestfallen when the "Swing" turned out to be the same card I pulled for Aquarius (Three of Bases: Shake-Off). However, this time it was inverted? That's gotta count for something? But back to that momentous first card: in the traditional Tarot deck, Whole New Ball Game corresponds to The Tower, a card that represents a period of great upheaval. While lightning striking a scoreboard depicting a dramatic comeback by the home team doesn't evoke the same catastrophe as the traditional art (where the eponymous tower is literally crumbling and its denizens are falling to their dooms), it's clear that a shocking change is in store.

The biggest change that comes to mind between when I made the above charts and now is Luis Severino's elbow injury. The book that comes with the deck features the bullet point "The Deeper Truth Comes Out" in its entry for this card, and in this case, the deeper truth could refer to the rotation depth that will be necessary to get through the season. Another change in the Pisces roster involves the departing/arriving players (i.e. Didi Gregorius and Brad Hand, respectively), which could correspond to the "Chaos Leading to New Knowledge" bullet point in the book. In either case, the important thing Pisces should focus on is staying grounded so as best to cope with surprises: either the ones that already happened, or the ones that are in store.

As for the inverted Three of Balls, I wrote about that one last time, saying that it represents "admitting unhappiness," knowing something is wrong, and realizing you must make a change. Obviously this dovetails nicely with the catastrophic change that's depicted in the first card, but the fact that the Shake-Off is inverted could represent an unwillingness to accept this change (kind of like the GM who says the team will "rely on internal options" in the wake of a significant injury). Or it could mean that an unorthodox, out-of-the-box solution is necessary in this case (e.g. the opener strategy). Either way, big things are clearly on the horizon for Pisces in 2020.

Astrology Players Changing Signs 2019

As perhaps the internet's foremost researcher into Fantasy Astrology Baseball (prove me wrong, people!) I was recently quite disturbed to discover that the resource I had been using to determine star signs of major league players was very possibly inaccurate. I explain the situation in the above-linked post, along with a multi-part plan to set things right as far as my various baseball databases are concerned. I recently completed phase one, although as I cross-referenced the birthdates in my 2019 database, I basically threw out the sign-by-sign cusp comparison chart I made and checked everyone who was born between the 18th and the 24th of every month (with some 17th's and 25th's thrown in there for paranoia's sake).

The results weren't as earth-shattering as I might have feared, although I did have to change the signs of a handful of major league contributors based on my findings. Below are the seven players who saw MLB time last year whose signs were misrepresented in my previous databases:

Brad Hand: 3/20/1990 - Aries to Pisces
2019 Points: 1,687 (28.1 PPG)
Consequences: I had Hand as a major player in the Aries bullpen for the last four years (which includes the top five or six relief pitchers, with the sixth spot able to be switched out for a swing-pitcher or spot-starter). However, he wasn't in the "fantasy starting lineup" (top two relievers) in 2019. That honor was reserved for NL Rolaids Relief winner Josh Hader (2,149) and Kirby Yates (2,018). However, Hand would have cracked the Pisces top two this past year behind Aroldis Chapman (1,825), bumping Sergio Romo (1,165) to the proverbial bench. The Rams will have to scramble to replace those innings going back to 2016, but they've had a pretty deep bullpen crop recently.


Kyle Gibson: 10/23/1987 - Scorpio to Libra
2019 Points: 1,150 (33.8 PPG)
Consequences: Basically none, at least as far as 2019 rosters are concerned. As it stands, Gibson's point total put him well behind Scorpio fifth starter Masahiro Tanaka (1,337), and even if he had been in the Libra player pool, he would have finished just shy of Jordan Lyles (1,213). Going back to 2018, Gibson made the Scorpions rotation with 1,522 points, which is a high enough total that would have kicked Derek Holland (1,367) out of the Scales starting five. We'll see if his recent free agent deal with the Rangers will help elevate his profile, a la Mike Minor and Lance Lynn.


Didi Gregorius: 2/18/1990 - Pisces to Aquarius
2019 Points: 1,034 (7.9 PPG)
Consequences: Gregorius had four years as the Pisces starting shortstop from 2015 thru '18. The fallout isn't catastrophic, as Didi's presence pushed natural SS Jean Segura to 2B in all of those years (only one of which (2016) he actually played at the keystone), but there is the question of finding a replacement second baseman for those years, which will likely be the subject of another post. Or I'll do it later. I dunno. As far as Sir Didi's new sign, Gregorius would beat out Brandon Crawford for the second half of that four year stretch, but otherwise he's behind a crop of Aquarius shortstops that's surprisingly strong, given the sign's weakness as a whole.


Sam Coonrod: 9/22/1992 - Libra to Virgo
2019 Points: 330 (10.0 PPG)
Consequences: .... Surely you must be joking. I doubt if anyone outside of hardcore Giants faithful (he was the organization's #23 prospect heading into 2019) had even heard of Coonrod, who made his major league debut this past season. The only reason he was even on my radar prior to this year was because he appeared as a non-roster invitee to Spring Training camp with San Francisco in 2016 and '17. He represents the depthiest of fantasy astrology depth, but if I'm going to do this database correction, I'm going to do it down to the last player...


Josh Staumont: 12/21/1993 - Capricorn to Sagittarius
2019 Points: 100 (6.2 PPG)
Consequences: Alright, now this is just getting ridiculous. Ranked as the Royals #21 prospect prior to 2019, Staumont barely played in the bigs in his debut season, when he replaced experimental closer Wily Peralta. But he spent significant time pitching as a swingman/spot starter for Kansas City's AAA affiliate in Omaha, putting up 487 points and 15.2 PPG.


Brian Schlitter: 12/21/1985 - Capricorn to Sagittarius
2019 Points: 43 (7.1 PPG)
Consequences: Schlitter pitched 9 2/3 innings for the A's in 2019, his first MLB action since 2015 with the Cubs. Oakland apparently liked what it saw enough to bring him back on another minor league deal for 2020. But while he might be a fringe roster player for the Athletics, expect him to fall well shy of fantasy astrology consideration.


Chris Ellis: 9/22/1992 - Libra to Virgo

2019 Points: 5 (5.0 PPG)
Consequences: Ellis was taken from St. Louis (by way of Texas) in the 2018 Rule 5 draft, and his one inning of work in the Royals' third game of the 2019 season was his only MLB experience to date. He was promptly designated for assignment and returned to his former team, where he struggled in brief AAA action. If/when he returns to the majors, at least he'll be playing for the proper astrology team.

Valgod Chapter 2: The Rosebush

"It sure is nice to see the coastline receding again." Sebastian Tweet stands on the deck of a cargo schooner, watching the port city of Dar'Druev shrink in the distance of the southern coast of Valgod. "And it's even nicer to be a passenger on your very fine ship, Mr. Badger, sir."

"It's just 'Badger,'" replies the ship's captain. The middle-aged human stands a fair bit shorter than his half-elf swashbuckler companion, and a bit more wobbly, due to the rather sizable quantity of rum he'd already consumed on their young journey. But it's clear he was a formidable seafarer in his heyday. "And we're glad to have ye and yer friends on the Rosebush. I think the crew is enjoying having some new blood aboard."

Indeed, Seb's two companions seem to be getting along swimmingly with the other sailors. Allen Gootfin stands at the wheel, eagerly taking notes as the ship's navigator Aiden, another high elf, explains the basics of nautical equipment. Meanwhile, Barak Ooda spars with the first mate Jenk, and quite a crowd of deckhands had gathered around to see the burly minotaur go toe-to-toe with the agile lizardfolk. They were having a competition, with the loser of each bout required to drink a swig of rum, although Barak had taken to drinking after each win as well.

L to R: Jenk trains with Barak, Sebastian to with Badger, Allen learns from Aiden

"We should reach Fairport in seven or eight days' time," remarks Badger. "We'll drop off our shipment, then you three can try to make nice with the Waveborn paladins, or find passage up the coast toward Smuggler's Cape, if yer business be of the more shady variety. I won't ask any questions either way."

"And we appreciate your... discretion," replies Sebastian, gratefully. "Although I assure you, our affairs are strictly above board and completely--"

But he is interrupted by a shrill whistle coming from the crow's nest above.

"Ship off the port stern!" cries Philip, the young deckhand, from his spot keeping watch. "She's still afar off, but gaining fast!"

"Perhaps I can help get a closer look," offers Allen, running up to the gunwale. He snaps his fingers, and his familiar, a celestial raven, pops into existence. "Good to see you again, Tim! We have need of your far-seeing eyes once again." The bird cocks its head, lets out an agreeable squawk, and takes to the skies.

In a flourish of magic, Allen's eyes go blank, as he begins to see through his familiar's eyes. (They make a big deal out of this in Game of Thrones, where it's known as "warg-ing," but it's just a first level spell, people, it's nothing too special.) As Tim the bird got closer, Allen could just begin make out the designs on the sails of the approaching ship, when a magic missile comes hurtling toward his field of vision, followed by a loud pop.

"Shiver me Tim-bird!" shouts Allen, as his senses return to himself. "I do believe they have a magic-user on board. I couldn't see much, but the sails were definitely a deep shade of green. And the magic missile that hit my familiar was in the shape of a skull."

"The Glass Skulls!?" groans Badger, taking a deep pull from his rum bottle. "What does Finnerup want with us now?"

"Did you say Glass Skulls?" asks Allen, his ears perking up in recognition. "You mean the same gang that ambushed us back by the docks, when we found that map--?"

"Allen must be mistaken," interrupts Sebastian, giving his companion a subtle 'cut it out' hand-across-the-neck gesture. "I've certainly never heard of the Glass Skulls before. But come Badger, let's go into your cabin, we'll have a drink, and you can tell us all about them."

Sebastian jerks his head at Barack to follow him. The minotaur grabs the bottle of rum from Jenk and stomps towards the door leading belowdecks, none of the crew daring to stand in his way. "Private meeting with the captain," he bellows, ushering his companions inside. As he closes the door behind him, he turns to speak: "And prepare to be boarded!"

===

"I should'a known Finnerup would catch up to us sooner or later," moans Badger. He drains the dregs from his bottle of rum, only to find another one at his elbow, gently nudged forward by Sebastian. Badger uncorks it and takes another long drink. "That miserable scallywag has always had it in for me."

"Don't despair, captain, we'll find a way out of this," offers Sebastian. "My friends and I are great problem-solvers. But you need to tell us as much as possible about this Finnerup character, so we know what we're up against."

Badger considers for a moment, then takes another drink. "I wasn't always in charge of a merchant ship. Back in the day, I was a fearsome pirate captain! And Finnerup was my first mate. Until he poisoned the minds of my crew, and took control himself!"

"So you're saying that you've been the victim of a mutiny before? Very interesting..." Sebastian throws a sidelong glance at Barak, who is drinking from his own bottle of rum, although the liquor has noticeably little effect on the minotaur. Meanwhile, Allen is taking detailed notes of Badger's story in his journal.

"I was forced out of the pirating life in disgrace," continues Badger. "Lucky to escape with my life, I was. But I was able to rebuild and start over, trading goods for hire. Meanwhile, Finnerup joined the ranks of the Glass Skulls and ascended to their leader. Until now, he had been content with my humiliation, but it looks like that's all changed!" Badger breaks down sobbing, his head sinking down onto his desk.

"There, there, Badger," consoles Sebastian, gently lifting up the captain's head and coaxing the bottle of rum towards him. "You just need some more liquid courage and everything will be just fine."

"What are you doing?" whispers Allen. "If he drinks much more, he'll be in no shape to face a ship full of pirates!"

"Don't worry," winks Sebastian. "THIS Badger is not going anywhere near any pirates..."

===

"Badger! I know you're in there! Come on out, I burn yer ship into the sea!"

The ship in question, the Rosebush, was anchored alongside a much larger and more heavily-armed vessel. The two ships were attached with grappling hooks on either side, and a boarding bridge in the center. Standing menacingly on this corvus was Finnerup the Fool, speaker of the above threat. The captain of the Glass Skulls has a physique somewhere between scrawny and wiry, a bald head under a green bandana, and shifty, darting eyes.

Standing on the deck behind Finnerup, his massive first mate in full plate mail was locking eyes (or rather where their eyes might presumably be, behind the closed visor of their helmet) with Badger's first mate Jenk, who was stoically defending his ship. Meanwhile, the Rosebush's navigator Aiden was sizing up his counterpart on the other ship, a buxom Dwarven woman who smelled faintly of lavender, and whose fingers sparkled as though she was ready to fire off another skull-shaped magic missile at a moment's notice.

Finnerup and the Glass Skulls

"Ye know I'll do it, Badger, ye old seadog!" growls Finnerup. "Ye don't wanna lose ANOTHER ship, do ye?" This was met with a chorus of laughter from Badger's former crew.

All of a sudden, the door to the captain's cabin bursts open, and Badger stumbles out, clutching a nearly empty bottle of rum. "Alright Finnerup," the gray-haired captain slurs. "I know when I'm beat. I get the MESSAGE!" Jenk hurries back to help his captain from falling, but the lizardfolk pauses at a dismissive hand-wave from Badger, who takes a moment to steady himself. "So what'll it be? Ya want our shipment of fine silks bound for Fairport? Or is it RUM yer after?" Badger drains his bottle, tosses it over the railing, then pulls another one from his satchel.

"Don't be coy with me, old salt," sneers Finnerup. "We'd been watchin' ye closely in Dar'Druev. We know ye picked up three passengers: a two elves and a minotaur. Or an elf, a man, and a minotaur."

"I believe the word you're searching for is half-elf?" offers Finnerup's navigator.

"Whatever they be," shouts Finnerup, "they stole sumthin' from me, and I aim to get it back!"

"Ya got me, Finnerup," admits Badger. "They were on board this ship. And the good-lookin fellow was in fact a half-elf," confirms Badger, throwing a lusty wink to the female dwarf at the helm, who blows a kiss in return. "But now, only one of 'em's left. Care to take a look?" The old former pirate takes a step back and gestures clumsily into his cabin.

Finnerup looks warily around, then nods to his first mate to follow him as he hops lightly onto the enemy ship. The armored figure takes hold of a giant halberd and clomps after their captain, with Jenk forced to step aside to avoid being trampled.

As Finnerup cautiously peers inside Badger's cabin, he catches sight of a large steel cage, inside of which sits the bound form of Barak Ooda!

"Well blow me down!" utters Finnerup. "How did you bilge rats manage to subdue a minotaur? That horn-head and his mates killed five of my best fighters!"

"Got the drop on 'em, we did," explains Badger. "They came to us seeking passage, so we made 'em feel safe, then we set on 'em during the night. Kept the minotaur alive to sell to the fighting pits."

"Seems I underestimated you, bucko," muses Finnerup, moving uncomfortably close to Badger. "But I don't care a wooden dubloon about no minotaur. I want the map."

"Oh, I've got the map," says Badger, producing the ornate tube from behind Barak's cage. "And you're welcome to have it..." Finnerup smiles as Badger leans in close, but his face changes to a look of surprise when the voice that speaks the next phrase doesn't sound like his old drunken captain, but rather like a charismatic half-elf adventurer. "...when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."

Art from "Deadeye Brawler" by Jesper Ejsing

The bottle of rum in "Badger's" other hand comes crashing down on Finnerup's skull, causing the pirate captain to stagger back towards the railing. Then the body that looks like Badger's launches into a nifty backflip, grabs hold of a piece of rope from the rigging, and swings into a devastating kick. Both feet that look like Badger's connect squarely with Finnerup's chest, sending him tumbling into the sea.

At the same moment, Barak lets out a rage-fueled roar and charges straight through the bars of his illusory cage towards Finnerup's first mate, who has taken up a fighting stance. The armored brute meets the full fury of the minotaur and goes sliding backwards, but the two appear evenly matched. Without missing a beat, Jenk leaps into the fray, unleashing a flurry of blows on the pirate's lower body, throwing off their center of gravity. Barak uses the opportunity to hook his horns under his enemy's arms and heave them over the side.

Seeing this situation unfold, the dwarven navigator leaps down onto the deck and begins to cast a spell as she rushes towards the boarding bridge. But as soon as she steps on the gangplank, it begins to rise up, seemingly of its own accord. She loses her balance and follows her companions into the sea, just as the formerly invisible form of Allen Gootfin reappears, straining with all his might to shove the bridge off the side of their ship.

"Weigh anchor and hoist the mizzium!" calls out Allen, as a bolt of fire flies from his outstretched hand and ignites the green sails of Finnerup's ship.

"It's actually MIZZEN, but I get the point!" shouts Aiden in reply. He grabs hold of the ship's wheel, shouting orders to the crew, as Barak finishes unhooking the final grappling hooks.

As the Rosebush beats a hasty retreat, a cloud of magical fog billows out around the form of Badger, who drops the illusion and morphs back into Sebastian Tweet. He laughs at the sight of Finnerup's crew, trying desperately to douse their flaming sails while fishing their captain out of the water.

"Who's the bilge rats now!?"

MLB Fantasy Astrology Awards 2019

With the 2019-20 offseason in full swing, it's time to look back at this past season's big award winners... through the lens of Fantasy Astrology! I'll be breaking down the seasons of the 2019 MVPs, Cy Youngs (Cy's Young?), Rookies of the Year, Gold Gloves, Silver Sluggers, and Variously Branded Relief Pitcher Awards, all organized by sign, to determine if there are any patterns in who the stars favored this year. First of all, here's a reminder of all the signs, their colors, logos, and various astrological qualities. Then we'll go in award/calendar order, starting with a certain first-time MVP, who happens to represent both my home sign AND my hometown team:

Cancer Crabs (or Decapods, if you want to get technical / listen to the Moana soundtrack)

NL MVP: Cody Bellinger
2019 Points: 2,849 (18.2 per game)

The Dodgers' prized outfielder/first baseman won the NL Rookie of the Year award in 2017, then went through a bit of a sophomore slump (not counting his NLCS MVP performance in the postseason, of course), before rebounding in a big way to take home not only the 2019 MVP trophy, but also a Silver Slugger and a Gold Glove. His versatility is impressive, and kind of reminds me of the defensive profile of Lance Berkman, a famous Aquarius slugger from back in the day. Incidentally, Bellinger's father, Clay (a Scorpio) spent four years in MLB himself, mostly as a utility player for the Yankees.

AL Rookie of the Year: Yordan Alvarez
2019 Points: 1,552 (17.8 PPG)

Cancer also claims the Rookie of the Year winning Yordan Alvarez of the Astros. The slugging DH (and infrequent left fielder) didn't make his MLB debut until June, but he crushed 27 home runs in his 87 games with an OPS over 1.000 (1.067 to be exact). While Alvarez's light-tower power can't be denied, it's unfortunate that he won these accolades with a team that has been exposed as sign-stealers, but there's no evidence (as of yet) that this nefarious practice extended beyond the 2017 season... although Rob Manfred's assertion of that fact is likely motivated by an unwillingness to dig deeper into the problem at this point in time.

As far as other Cancer award winners go, Yankees infielder DJ LeMahieu (speaking of versatility), and Twins DH Nelson Cruz (the opposite) both won AL Silver Sluggers. Cruz has two previous SS's on his resume, both while playing for Seattle, while LeMahieu (who also finished fourth in AL MVP voting) got his first SS, after three previous Gold Gloves at second base with Colorado. Picking up LeMahieu's defensive torch is Yolmer (formerly Carlos) Sanchez of the White Sox, whose bat might keep him out of a job in Chicago next year, despite his defensive excellence.


Leo Lions

AL MVP: Mike Trout
2019 Points: 2,568 (19.1 PPG)

I don't usually advocate for anything Astros-related these days, but I must say, I think Aries infielder Alex Bregman did more for his team than Trout this year, and the fantasy points bear that out (A-Breg finished the year with 2,739 points and 17.5 PPG). Of course had Trout's season not ended early due to injury, the two-time MVP (and also former ROY) likely would have eclipsed his division-mate to the east. But it's also true that the Angels finished far out of the postseason in 2019 - although their star player likely didn't have the assistance of sign-stealing trash can-bangers... not that he needs it. Trout also took home his whopping seventh Silver Slugger award (out of eight seasons in the bigs), although he has never won a Gold Glove.

The only other awards showing for Leo in 2019 were two NL Gold Glovers: Cubs first baseman Anthony Rizzo and Diamondbacks left fielder David Peralta. Rizzo defends his GG from the previous season, and adds it to a third one from 2016, a year he was also named the Silver Slugger at first base. Peralta actually switched accolades from 2018, where he took home a SS in the outfield with a 30-home run season. He takes home the GG for the first time, despite playing in fewer than 100 games in 2019.


Pisces Fish

AL CYA: Justin Verlander
2019 Points: 3,235 (95.1 PPG)

I heard (and agreed with) a reasonable proposal towards the end of the 2019 season: have teammates Justin Verlander and Gerrit Cole share the AL Cy Young Award! It makes sense: they were the top two pitchers in the league (in EITHER league, in fact), and they were SO CLOSE in 2019 production; the Virgo Cole clocked in at 3,148 points and 95.3 per game. So what pushed Verlander over the edge? Was it his no-hitter against the Blue Jays in the fall, the third of his career? Or was it the previous MVP and Cy Young award that he had on his mantle from 2011 (plus a ROY in 2006)? Or could it have been the one win and 10 more innings he pitched than the now-free agent Cole, or the slightly lower WHIP (.803 to .895)? It certainly wasn't strikeouts (Cole had 6 more) or ERA (Cole's was .08 lower). Either way, they're both great, and after this winter, they'll both be rich to boot.

AL Reliever of the Year: Aroldis Chapman
2019 Points: 1,825 (30.4 PPG)

Previously known as the Rolaids Relief Man Award, then re-named for Mariano Rivera upon the legendary closer's retirement after 2013, Aroldis Chapman steps into the former Yankee's shoes with the 2019 version of the award. This was the first major awards consideration for the Cuban fireballer, and he took home the honors despite being out-fantasy-scored by Aquarius Roberto Osuna (who might have been overlooked for non-baseball related reasons) and Cancer Liam Hendriks (who, granted, did not occupy the closer's role from day one of 2019).

The other star Pisces for 2019 was Phillies catcher J.T. Realmuto, who won both a Silver Slugger (his second consecutive one) and a Gold Glove (his first) in his first year for his new team. D-Backs shortstop Nick Ahmed joined him in the GG department, and with the recent revelation that Didi Gregorius is now an Aquarius (more on that in a later post), Ahmed should have some more playing time in the Fish's middle infield.


Gemini Twins

NL CYA: Jacob deGrom
2019 Points: 2,495 (77.9 PPG)

The NL pitching champ defends his title in 2019, as the Gemini man took home top pitching honors in the NL for the second straight year from atop the Mets rotation. Actually, Leo Max Scherzer outscored deGrom in 2018 (3,020 to 2,827), but no pitcher in the NL topped deGrom in points in '19. Like the winners of the other three big awards, deGrom also earned a Rookie of the Year nod in his first season (2014), and he's been a mainstay on pitching leaderboards ever since. The only other Gemini to garner any awards consideration was NL MVP candidate and top free agent position player Anthony Rendon, who won a Silver Slugger while playing for the World Champion Nationals.


Sagittarius Archers

NL ROY: Pete Alonso
2019 Points: 2,456 (15.2 PPG)

A teammate of deGrom in 2019, the Mets tabbed Pete Alonso as their opening day first baseman, flying in the face of the tried and true (and much maligned) strategy of delaying a star player's debut in the majors in order to gain an extra year of team control. The bold move paid off, as Alonso hit 53 home runs, a record amount for a rookie, while also winning an extremely exciting Home Run Derby along the way. Sagittarius has serious firepower in the lineup to put around the man known as "Polar Bear" in Christian Yelich and Ronald Acuna Jr. Last year's MVP Yelich won his third Silver Slugger award in 2019 (he also has a Gold Glove to his name), while Acuna earned his first SS in his sophomore season, after taking home NL ROY honors in 2018.


Aries Rams

NL Reliever of the Year: Josh Hader
2019 Points: 2,149 (35.2 PPG)

The winner of the NL version of this award two years running (which is named after Padres great Trevor Hoffman), Hader saw his fantasy point totals skyrocket in 2019 after transitioning from a high-leverage reliever into the full time closer. The lanky Maryland native does have a couple of marks on his resume - most notably a collapse in this year's NL Wild Card Game against Washington, and some racist tweets uncovered during the 2018 All-Star Game - but his blazing fastball and wipeout slider should continue to strike fear into opposing batters, even as he enters his arbitration years.

Aries had a strong cast of supporting awards characters in 2019, including two Silver Sluggers and three Gold Glove winners. Both SS's were first time winners of the award: returning Indians first baseman Carlos Santana, and the above-mentioned Alex Bregman, who took home the award at third base, despite also spending significant time at shortstop. Speaking of third base, the Rockies star at the hot corner Nolan Arenado took home his stunning seventh consecutive GG award (one for every year he's been in the majors), while also breaking a run of four consecutive Silver Sluggers. Joining him on the NL side is Brewers center fielder Lorenzo Cain (his first time winning the award), while Athletics first baseman Matt Olson won his second consecutive fielding trophy.

Rounding out the rest of the signs, Libra starting pitcher Zack Greinke took home both the NL Silver Slugger and Gold Glove awards for his position, despite the fact that he was traded away from the National League at the deadline. Former AL MVP Mookie Betts followed suit with a SS+GG season, his third such campaign - he missed out on the Silver Slugger in 2017, but still has a run of four consecutive Gold Gloves. Sticking with the Scales middle infield, Betts's teammate Xander Bogaerts won the AL Silver Slugger at shortstop, while Cardinals second baseman Kolten Wong took home the NL Gold Glove at the keystone.

Sticking with the middle infield, Scorpio boasted two top-notch shortstops in 2019, as Trevor Story of the Rockies took home the NL Silver Slugger (his second consecutive one), while Francisco Lindor of the Indians won his second AL Gold Glove - the first one came in 2016, which means his two GG's bookend two SS's from 2017 and '18. Scorpions starting pitcher Mike Leake took home the AL Gold Glove for pitchers, despite the trade that sent him to the NL at the deadline. What Scorpio was to shortstops, Capricorn was to catchers, as Twins slugging backstop Mitch Garver took home a Silver Slugger, despite his injury-shortened season, while Indians stopped Roberto Perez earned a Gold Glove for his defensive prowess. Another Sea-Goat, Braves second baseman Ozzie Albies, won the NL Silver Slugger for second basemen in his third year in the bigs.

The 2019 Fantasy Astrology champion Virgo Maidens (or maybe Damsels, if you want to get old-school) boasted two Silver Sluggers in Braves first baseman Freddie Freeman (who won the Gold Glove the previous year) and Astros outfielder George Springer (his second SS in three years). On the other side of the field, the Taurus Bulls had two Gold Glove winners: Matt Chapman took down his second consecutive Gold Glove as the A's third baseman, while Rays centerfielder Kevin Kiermaier earned his third such award. And bringing up the rear, we have the seemingly always-lowly Aquarius, which has Royals Gold Glove winning left fielder Alex Gordon, who has taken home a GG seven times in the last nine seasons.

Astrology Baseball: What's the Deal With Cusps?

When I first got into astrology, it wasn't because I believed that everyone's personalities are influenced by their date/time/place of birth. (I'm still not convinced of this, so please like, leave a comment, and share my posts with all your astrology friends to try and convince me.) No, I first got into astrology so that I could sort my database of MLB players by birth sign, and play a season with astrologically-inspired rosters on my favorite baseball video game: MVP Baseball 2005 - despite the fact that this was in 2009 and the stats in the game were already five years out of date. To do this, I used a boilerplate table of dates, such as the one you'd find on Wikipedia. (i.e. Gemini: May 22 - June 21 / Cancer: June 22 - July 22 / Leo: July 23 - August 22 / etc.) While I was aware of the concept of cusps, this table seemed to provide a hard beginning and end date for each sign, so when confronted with a player like Royals slugging first baseman Mike Sweeney (born July 22, 1973 in Orange, CA), I didn't think twice about assigning him to my "home sign" Cancer Crabs.

I revisited this project again in 2012, this time in order to plug my astrology rosters into ESPN's Fantasy Baseball client and simulate a 12-team fantasy league based on the signs. However, by this point, I had come across some research stating that cusps can shift from year to year (whether from the Moon's gravitational pull or because of leap years, I wasn't really sure). To address this wrinkle, I found a comprehensive spreadsheet (an excerpt of which is pictured left) that broke down each sign by year. Sadly I did not note the URL where I found this spreadsheet - I just copied-pasted it into an Excel document of my own - but it looked legitimate, I swear. Now looking back, if I had used this information in my above MVP 05 experiment, I would have placed Mike Sweeney with the Leo Lions, since his birthday fell on the day when the sun enters Leo. It wouldn't have mattered too much to those '05 Crabs, since they already had Carlos Delgado, Sean Casey, Aramis Ramirez, and Vinny Castilla to rotate between the 1B, 3B, and DH spots... But it's the principle of the thing: if I'm going to spend countless hours on a pointless exercise that no one will ever see based on pseudoscience and an old video game, I'd at least like it to be accurate.

So I used this spreadsheet for the inaugural 2012 Fantasy Astrology League, and continued using it for each subsequent season... until this offseason. With my 2019 database up to date, following this season's thrilling conclusion, and my Astrology All-Decade rosters complete from 2000 thru 2019, I decided to see how far back into the past I could push these astrology lineups. I encountered my first problem in 1998, with Hall of Famer Paul Molitor, who played his final season that year for his hometown Minnesota Twins. My precious spreadsheet only covered the years 1960 thru 2009, and Molitor was born in 1956, on August 22, a date that traditionally falls on the Leo/Virgo cusp. After an Internet deep dive, I came upon a site called helloastrology.com, which has a Zodiac Calculator that confirmed Molitor as a Leo. I perhaps could have gotten a hint had I looked at his full name - Paul Leo Molitor - although that could have been a coincidence; maybe his grandfather is named Leonard...

While my immediate question was answered, the discovery of this resource opened up a rabbit hole that I had to follow to its logical conclusion. On a whim, I inserted Mike Sweeney's birth date and location (I haven't bothered to look for his birth time) into the Calculator, and he came up as a... you guessed it: Cancer.

Needless to say, my entire worldview was thrown into disarray. Has my spreadsheet been wrong all these years? Or is this calculator inaccurate? Or are they both wrong, and we should all just embrace the Ophiuchus mess? Upon realizing this inconsistency, I immediately formulated a plan and jumped into action: I compared four different date tables to determine a range of cusps for all 12 signs, which I will cross-reference with every birthdate in my baseball database, confirming each borderline case using the helloastrology calculator (since it goes all the way back to 1920, and looks pretty serious, what with the measure of degrees and all). If any of you astrology buffs out there have any better ideas, or explanations of what's going on in the stars, I'm all ears. Until then, if you need me for anything, I'll probably be done with this endeavor by the time the sun enters Pisces...

Valgod: a DnD Fan Fiction

art is from Swaggering Corsair by Scott Murphy

A half-elf and a minotaur walk into a tavern. This tavern is dark and dingy, as are most taverns in the port city of Dar Druev, but especially so on this part of the docks. And it's also filled mostly with out of work sailors... as are most taverns on the southern coast of the continent of Valgod. In fact, the dashing half-elf looks like he'd be more at home in a ship's rigging than on dry land, with a flowing mane of dark brown hair and a rapier at his side. The minotaur, on the other hand, cuts quite the figure of hired muscle, constantly throwing side-eyed glances at the patrons, never letting anyone get into a threatening position. For his part, the massive horned creature, with fur and skin so grey it looks almost blue in the right light, receives plenty of similar glances, as his undersized companion sidles up to the bar and orders two ales.

"Ah, now that's a foine ale you've got the-yeah," remarks a sturdy-looking high elf sitting on a nearby stool, in a heavy Earth-British accent. Next to him on the floor is a homemade sandwich board sign that reads Allen Goodfin's Knowledge Emporium! And underneath in smaller print, Where Learning is All In Good Fun... "Despite being known for its relatively cheap price, this particular batch is actually quite good quality, owing to its being made from a surplus of the finest wheat and barley from the southern valleys..."

As Allen Gootfin turns to the minotaur and goes on talking, the swashbuckler and his bodyguard give him a once-over. The elf is wearing polished scale mail, adorned with religious imagery, has a short sword and shield strapped to his side (both of Elven make, of course), but atop his head sits not a helm, but a tall pointed and brimmed hat best associated with Merlin, Gandalf, and other wizardly types. The two companions share a knowing glance.

"...the distillation process of grains from this district..." continues Allen, now addressing no one in particular.

"Thanks for the information, friend," the dashing rogue interrupts. "In fact, barkeep, kindly get one more ale for...mister Gootfin, is it? No, it's no trouble at all! My name is Sebastian Tweet, but my friends call me Seb. And this is my companion, Barrack."

"Of the Uda clan," pipes in the minotaur loudly, as he drains his ale in one shot. "Barkeep, another ale!"

"Why thank you very much, and pleased to make your aquaintances, Seb Tweet and Barrack Uda!" replies Allen gratefully. "And especially you, Mister Uda, as it's certainly rare to see a minotaur in these parts." Alan turns away from his new friends and addresses a random patron who has just approached the bar. "Originally from the land of Krynn, the minotaur are known as ferocious sea raiders, who rank as some of the most dangerous sailors in the world. But they are equally at home in the gladiatorial arenas of their homeland, which..."

"Excuse me, my friend," Sebastian breaks in once again. "But if you're truly in the knowledge trade, I might have some business for you." Seb reveals a ring that he has fastened on a chain around his neck. "You see, I came across this ring in my... travels, and I believe it holds great power. But I haven't been able to find out anything about it. Would you mind giving it a look?"

"Certainly, my lad," Alan eagerly begins inspecting the ring. "Hmm, it doesn't feel inherently magic. But I also sense that it could be used as a focus to channel great magical power. And... hang on a minute, what's THIS? It looks like there's a symbol carved onto the underside of the ring."

Elvish Rejuvenator by Winona Nelson

Allen holds the ring up for Seb and Barrack to see. "This symbol is associated with Desha, the Harmonist, one of the gods of the old pantheon of Valgod. These gods are now, of course, long forgotten, as they've all been missing since the destruction of the city of Old Stilgeras in The Tempest," Alan continues, this time turning to the barkeep, who has been doing his best to ignore these diatribes all day. "But the legend of Desha states that she was estranged and reclusive, and that she saw herself as the ultimate balancer. With full control over the forces of life and death, the dark deity held the greatest influence over the mortal world. She was a selfish and power-hungry figure, not at all like the patron deity of my clerical order, Ora Sen, the Skeptic, who champions thought and reason above all else..."

Sebastian only smiles and nods as Barrack continues pounding ales and Alan goes on pontificating long into the night.

===

As night falls over the harbor, three humanoids exit a tavern: a dashing half-elf, a gigantic minotaur, and a high elf carrying a homemade sandwich board under one arm.

"Well, Allen, it was a pleasure to meet you," says the half-elf, shaking Allen's free hand. "Thanks for the information about the ring, and good luck with your emporium business."

"You're very welcome, Sebastian," replies the full-elf. "And this knowledge DISPENSING business is only temporary. Once I drum up enough gold to pay for ship's fare, I'll be on my way in my quest to circumnavigate the continent of Valgod, so I can get back to more knowledge ACQUIRING..."

As Allen droned on, the minotaur perked up his ears and nudged Seb between the ribs.

"What is it, Barrack?" the rogue asks. As the minotaur points down the road, the three companions could make out the figure of an old man running towards them as he crested over the top of the hill. He was soaking wet, as if he just emerged from the sea, and he carried an ornate cylindrical container.

As the old man approaches, Barrack turns his six-foot, six-inch, 338 pound frame to block the path of the fugitive, who surprisingly continues running at full speed until he collapses into the arms of the minotaur. He thrusts the container into Barrack's hands and gasps, "Keep it safe!" before crumpling to the ground. At this point, the heads of five armed humans in pursuit also crest above the hill.

"Don't panic, old man, we'll help you out!" shouts Sebastian, frantically looking around, and then ushering the old man towards an unattended barrel on the side of the road. "Get in there and let me do the talking."

The man complies and crawls inside, as the water continues to drip off him and slowly fill the barrel. Sebastian plunks the lid on the barrel and sits on top of it as the five armed men reach him and slow to a halt.

"Nothing to see here, fellas," Sebastian calls out, doing his best to act casual.

"Hand over the old man, now!" shouts the clear leader of the group, wearing a finely crafted breastplate and armed with a distinctive bastard sword. He and the rest of his colleagues all wear green bandanas.

"Uh, I think he went that way," offers Sebastian, pointing down the street in the opposite direction. "If you keep running at top speed, you might just catch him."

"Are ye daft?" questions the leader. "I saw you stuff him in that barrel a minute ago! He's got something that belongs to us."

"Forgive me sir, but who is US?" asks Allen, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"You're telling me you don't know about the Glass Skulls?" laughed the leader, incredulously. "We OWN the streets of Dar'Druev, and anyone who gets in our way is gonna have to answer to the captain."

"Well, pardon me, but I'm not FROM Dar'Druev," answers Allen. "I make my home in Calphania, the High Elven city, far to the north. Our main exports are..."

"Shut up and give us that map!" yells the leader angrily, realizing that Barrack is still holding the old man's bundle.

Labyrinth Minotaur by Anson Maddocks

Barrack looks down at the bundle innocently, then back up to the leader. "Make me," the minotaur says.

The leader just chuckles and raises his sword. "Have at 'em, lads!"

Two of the thugs flank their leader and get ready with their spears, while the two in the back run up a nearby staircase and take sniping positions with their crossbows. The leader and the minotaur are already exchanging heavy blows, the former with his sword, the latter with his razor sharp horns, while the swashbuckler engages one of the lackeys in a dueling stance with his rapier.

Allen simply turns around and says, "As soon as I saw Barrack take that threatening stance in the middle of the road, I knew there was gonna be trouble. And I'm saying to myself, I just met these guys, I don't know what they're capable of, and I definitely don't want to get in over my head. But then there's this dripping wet fellow in the barrel, and I don't know WHAT to make of him..."

Meanwhile Sebastian runs his sword through his opponent's gut, just as Barrack is pierced by a crossbow bolt. This leaves him stunned enough that he couldn't dodge a tremendous hack from the leader's greatsword, briefly staggering the blue beast.

Allen's face suddenly turns grim with steely resolve. "But looking at the situation, I just didn't like the looks of these Glass Skull characters. So that's when I decided to let loose with a MAGIC MISS-eye-ull!" (The last syllables of which was of course the verbal component of the first level spell Magic Missile.)

In an awesome display of power, Alan whirls his hands in an arcane gesture, and sends FOUR magical bolts of energy at the leader, each shaped like a large library book. Each of the projectiles hit home, the last one tearing a hole in the warrior's throat.

Immediately the two snipers turn their attention to the magic user, allowing Barrack and Sebastian to double team the final spear lackey. However one crossbow bolt soars over Allen's head, while the other plinks harmlessly off his armor.

"Hey, you might hurt someone with that thing!" mocks Allen, looking derisively at the archer who came the closest. "I COMMAND you to DROP!"

Without a word, the archer lets their crossbow fall and drops to the ground. Their friend up on the ledge panics and runs, only to be met by the full fury of the Barrack's horns on the way down.

By the time the panicked archer had recovered their senses and reached for their bow, Sebastian had already deftly leapt up to the balcony and had his sword at their neck.

"Not so fast there," threatens the swashbuckler. "Why don’t you tell me what's so special about that map?"

"I-I-I don’t know," the archer replies, terrified. "Just sumthin the boss wanted, I swear!"

Sebastian looks them over and considers a bit. "Eh, I believe you," he concludes, running them through with his rapier. "Let’s find out what else that old wet dude knows."

But when Barrack opens the lid of the barrel, only water remains. The three adventurers look at each other, then at the map, then back down to the water.

"Anyone thirsty?" asks Sebastian with a coy smile.

Valgod: a Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition Adventure

Astrology All-Decade Teams - First Excerpts

I'll be honest, last night's AL Wild Card Game very nearly sapped all possible interest I may have had in the rest of the baseball season. That A's loss, coupled with the newfound resistance the ownership group is facing in their quest to build a new stadium and keep the team in Oakland might dissolve my interest in the sport for the foreseeable future. But before I drift into the next round of the playoffs, where I'll uncharacteristically be hoping for the Astros to stomp their next opponent, I want to share the first excerpts from an Expansive List I've been working on that encompasses my entire baseball-watching history. This has to do not with the petty, corruptible accomplishments of real world MLB teams, but with a hypothetical fantasy realm, where rosters are constructed based on astrology.

Because when you think about it, dividing players by their astrological signs gives you a much clearer picture of their true level of talent, since there's no way for an astrology general manager to trade a player to a different sign. Of course, the whole concept of astrological signs in themselves is fairly arbitrary, but it's been established pseudoscience for centuries, and there's definitely less noise than having to take into account baseball's complex player development structure, the market factors that drive trades/acquisitions, and how personalities in both the front office or the dugout can affect any given player's standing with a particular team.

Anyway, since 20 years is a long time to think back on without any guidance, I'll start showing you bits and pieces of my list by outlining the most fantasy-relevant player of each team that participated in the Wild Card Games. (Wild Cards Game? Wilds Card Game?)

The first is Washington Nationals ace Max Scherzer, who has also led the Leo Lions for eight of the last nine years, and he'll no doubt return again this year. Keep in mind that the "SP1", "SP2", etc. in the position column are mostly arbitrary, and don't represent the sign's actual #1, #2, etc. ranked pitcher for any given year - they're arranged this way mostly with an eye towards maintaining continuity of the  same pitchers in the same columns for as many years as possible. But in Leo's case, a Bumgarner/Scherzer one/two punch would be pretty enviable to have for most of the decade.

I'm sticking with the National League here, because the losing team's top fantasy hitter has a career that goes back one year even longer than Scherzer, and stretches across two positions. Ryan Braun started his career for the Milwaukee Brewers in 2007 as a Rookie of the Year third baseman, but quickly shifted to the corner outfield, where he continued as a mainstay for the Scorpio Scorpions for eight of the next nine years (meaning he was in the starting lineup for nine out of ten years overall). Although he's now in the twilight of his career - and limited by injuries besides - Braun was still a big part of the Brew Crew's recent run of success.

For the ALWC winning Tampa Bay Rays, would you believe that outfielder Avisail Garcia is the top fantasy performer in Kevin Cash's bootleg lineup? And he only features prominently on the Gemini Twins because their squad has a historically thin outfield mix, and I stretched/completely ignored positional eligibility rules by pretending he's a regular center fielder (that's what the "*" means next to his name... plus most of the other outfielders in this screenshot). That's who the A's lost to: a team full of nobodies! That's who! ARGH why do I even let myself care about a sport that inspires me to feel such RAGE!?!?!

I'm convinced one of the main reasons why the Oakland Athletics lineup wasn't clicking down the stretch was the hip injury suffered by Khris Davis while making an ill-advised start in the outfield during an interleague game. This is yet another argument for the universal DH, a position to which Davis is confined, according to eligibility rules, and common sense, apparently. Fortunately, the Sagittarius Archers had a deep stable of outfielders to take over when "Khrush" was moved to his bat-only role, although he will surely miss the roster this year, after a down season.


Once I finish entering stats from 2019 into this database, I'll have a full 20 years' worth of Fantasy Astrology data to sort through. This includes yearly summaries of each sign's total output, allowing me to track the fortunes of these teams over two decades. It's a lot of tedious data-entry work, but it'll be more interesting than watching what's left of baseball in 2019...