Exhaust from a shoulder-mounted jetpack fills the air, as an astronaut flies in and skids to a halt. His Suit is white with black trim, including a black helmet, on which the translucent green visor accentuates the large green letter B on his chest.
"Blacktron astronaut Breeze reporting for dutyyy!" he singsongs heroically, throwing up a smart salute. As he pops open his visor, it's clear that the green tint had been muting the garish red of his bushy moustache and eyebrows, and also the blue of his temple-mounted cybernetic implant. "How's the progress on the Spectral Starguiderrr?"
"Going adequately," responds the deck officer, adjusting her glasses over the microphone in her headset. "We're just mounting the retro-rockets on the command module."
The command module is marked by twin domed octagonal canopies, of the same translucent green as Breeze's visor. They're mounted on either side of a massive central brick, 2 units wide by 4 units long by 2 units tall, on hinges that open outwards like suicide doors. Actually, the size and shape of them makes the canopies resemble big green elephant ears - with the trunk formed by a curving windscreen that folds down from the bottom when opened.
"You know you're not going to be able to fit that jetpack in there," comments the deck officer, as she oversees the robots, technicians, and robotic technicians that are welding the white camera-looking elements to the side.
"What? I'm not flying this thing," replies Breeze dismissively. "I'm just the tech officer, here to oversee the computer and the cargo. Speaking of which... I think that's Flash with the goods right now."
"Just got it from the fellers at the computer lab," pipes another astronaut, entering with a whoosh from automatic doors. Although their spacesuits are the same, this one - codenamed Flash - wears a black-backpack-mounted air-filtration system, much less cumbersome than Breeze's jetpack. Their auburn hair drapes lazily down over a blue cybernetic implant, secured like a headband over their forehead. "Why don't you go fire up that computer? That's your purview, right?"
"Already on my way to the technical module now," replies Breeze, sliding his hand over a large yellow arrow at the back of said module. This one also has twin green canopies, but these are mounted on the tops of two portholes, so that they open up instead of out. But the main method of entry is through the back, which started to fold down from the bottom, after the roof first folded forward from the top, releasing the latch.
Inside, mounted on the rear edge of a white basket-like 4x4 base was a black electronic container box, the front of which was covered with a complex series of buttons, dials, and lights. With a few taps of Breeze's fingers, the panel starts glowing, and a slot opens up near the top.
"All yours, Flash." He gestures towards machinery.
"Thank you, kind sir," rejoins his partner, producing a 1x2 smooth tile, which is itself covered with similar circuitry. When held lengthwise, or in landscape mode, there's an amber readout screen near the top-middle, flanked by red and green buttons of various sorts. Flash inserts the microchip into the slot, which makes a satisfying plink as the larger computer engulfs the smaller one.
"Done. Now it's all ready for transport across the planet's surface, no matter what's out there." Breeze fiddles with the controls and the module starts to close up again. "So remind me, we're taking this thing where?"
"We got a distress call from an M-Tron vehicle in sector 7-G," explains the deck officer, barely reacting as a robotic crane swings next to her and grabs the tech module. "He was following beacon out that way, when a large blast of some kind blew his craft apart and fried his circuits. This thing you're carrying should help him get back on his feet... or his wheels at least."
Speaking of wheels, the tech module has been settled in the middle of a giant, six-wheeled base, locking into place with a pin at its back. Each wheel is easily the size of an astronaut, helmet included, with the front wheels set wider apart than the middle, which were themselves wider than the rearmost ones, sort of like a reverse-arrow.
"Heh, M-Tron," scoffs Breeze. "Using the power of MAGNETS to locate and transport vial resources," Breeze mockingly recited from some promotional material. "Couldn't use your super magnetic capabilities to remain out of harm's way THIS time, could you? We Blacktron have advanced in ways which set us apart from our adversaries, to become the strongest power in the universe! Just look at this jetpack!"
"Calm down, Breeze," chuckles Flash, hopping into the command module, which had just been attached to the front end of the base. Unlike the tech module, the command module attached right between the two front wheels, so that Flash was basically sitting at ground level. "And in fact, you'll probably have to take that thing off while you're driving the base. You'll need both hands to steer this behemoth."
"Ugh, alright, I hear ya," grumbles Breeze, as he stuffs his jetpack into the tech module, replacing it with an air tank, same as Flash's. His now-slimmer profile settles in at a jackhammer-looking joystick, mounted on a crosshatched plate above the two rear wheels. "I still don't know why they didn't make it so you could control this thing from the command module."
"Hey, I fly the modified ship when it's in shuttle formation," barks Flash. "You know, when the command module locks in place with the tech module? What do you think those two huge jets on the back of your computer box are for?"
"Well, whatever they're for, I sure hope they don't turn on while I'm standing here, or I'll be fried." Breeze looks nervously at the two engines in front of his face, and then at the smaller single one behind him, designed to move the combined craft. "At least out here I'll be able to get some fresh air. OK, open the doors and fire up that antenna thing of yours!"
A green and black rectangular dish mounted on the top of the command module starts twisting back and forth, relaying information onto the windscreen in front of Flash. At the same time, the deck officer punches something into her command tablet, and two huge doors of the hangar swing open.
"Alright, we've got a signal," cries flash into their communicator. "Continue due east for 25 degrees. And watch out for that terrain."
"Copy that, Flash-O," returns Breeze. "Just let me maneuver this thing... wha-? REAR wheel turning? How am I possibly gonna control this thing?"
Thus the Spectral Starguider crawled off into an alien sunset, to the sound of two old friends complaining.
When I read the side of the box of LEGO set number 76023, I immediately thought of Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction. Except he would be saying, "In France The Tumbler is The Tumbler, except it's Le Tumbler." Thinking about this while watching a commercial for McDonald's quarter pounder - in the background during that heartbreaking Ravens vs. Patriots playoff game, which is when I first started building this late holiday gift to myself - was decidedly meta. The fact that I had the time and means to embark on a project of this magnitude - almost like a minifig-sized Bruce Wayne - is hashtag one thing I'm thankful for.
My relationship with the LEGO Tumbler goes back almost two years to when I manually reconstructed the iconic discontinued set 7888 from my collection supplemented with custom-ordered bricks. My relationship with the real Tumbler goes back a couple months before that, to when the Dark Knight Legends exhibit was in Los Angeles. While there I snapped a picture of an actual Tumbler used in the movies. While it didn't have the flare or style of the Batmobiles of the 60's and 90's, it was pretty darn impressive to behold. Before jumping into the new set, let's compare my two previous Tumbler experiences. According to the design specs decal from the new set, the actual vehicle measures 15 ft. by 9 ft. 4 in., which translates to roughly 8.5 in. by 5.5 in. in LEGO dimensions. According to my math then, set 7888 and its 449 total pieces (not all of them devoted to the Tumbler itself) represents roughly a 1:20 scale model. And I have to say it's pretty accurately minifig-scaled.
Onlookers' faces have been obscured for my legal protection.
It was also raining during that fateful game when Baltimore was eliminated from the 2014-15 playoffs. Whenever I walk in the rain, I think of the song from the signature Cowboy Bebop episode 5 called Rain. There were two versions of that song, one that appeared in the actual episode and one that was released on album one of the show's soundtrack. I made a fan mashup version to showcase the two of them together. The funny thing about that song is that whenever I hear it, I think of Hans Zimmer's haunting theme from the 2008 film The Dark Knight, on which set 76023 is based, which officially plants Christopher Nolan's versions into the DC Comics Super Heroes division of the LEGO snowglobe. I've included some of that in my fan mashup as well to show you what I'm talking about.
Now back to the new set. Bag 1 (of 11) took almost the entire football game to complete, and it wasn't until the beginning of Bag 2 that I realized the scale of this project and its 1,869 pieces was going to be far larger than the average minifig. To give a completely baseless comparison, in fantasy baseball points, that set's pieces count is exactly equal to Matt Holliday's 2014 performance, and he's a damn solid player, if not one you can build a team around. Set 7888's 449 pieces equals the production of Texas rookie outfielder Daniel Robertson (not to be confused with the shortstop prospect who the A's just sent to the Rays in the Ben Zobrist deal), not by any means a major league regular.
Professional scale models of the Tumbler do exist, like this one at left, also from the Dark Knight Legends exhibit, that was used in the movie. Comparing that pic to the official LEGO marketing image on the box, you can see how closely the designers followed these professional models, even down to the bronze coloring in the front wheel wells and the spoiler support struts. I realized after finishing Bag 3, the instructions for which included steps that called for both 16x and 20x of the same element, that what I was building resembled one of these scale models more than a more traditional LEGO "playset." That's why the special edition minifigs are off to the side in all the promotional materials. It's disappointing that I won't be able to use this new Tumbler in my minifig-centered vignettes (unless I employ some impressive forced perspective), but it's worth it when you see such detailed elements as the windshield wipers found in Bag 4 accurately represented in LEGO.
In Bag 5, after you put the huge unique tires on, you get the true sense of how much this new set dwarfs the original 2008 Tumbler. It's about the same overall size as the Millennium Falcon, which is much smaller than actual minifig scale. In fact, Han Solo's famous ship from Star Wars might be pretty close to Kenner's old Micro Machine scale, but I have yet to break out the old figurines from my childhood to check and see how it would look. The rest of the bags are devoted to the roof - which does not actually attach to the rest of the vehicle with any LEGO elements but somehow manages to fit ever so snugly - the ornate armor plating on the side, and the elaborate system of spoilers. The process ended with a lot of mirror image repetition and a lot of superfluous ornamental aspects that make the model look pretty but also hard to find a place where you can grip it to lift it up. It also made me question where I would put the damn thing. But I guess that's a good problem to have.
Detractors of LEGO often point to the lack of functionality: once you finish putting the thing together, it doesn't really do anything. But that's where the concept of replay value comes in, because at any time you can demolish the original product and have the entire experience over again. It's the particular experience that is important in playing with LEGO, you see, that first impression you get when you take those pieces out of the box and literally transmute them into something else. After finishing construction of the model, beyond being both satisfied and exhausted, I felt a greater sense of accomplishment than I had felt following any "instruction build" in my previous LEGO career. At times like these, I can't help but recall the King Crimson song Indiscipline, especially the penultimate lyric: I wish you were here to see it! Which then makes me want to thrash around on the drums all progressive rock style.
{[REMINDER: Hit play on the video and then read ahead at a normal pace for the full soundtrack-esque experience!]}
Batman had just dispatched a couple of unlucky thugs and was now surveying the scene at Arkham Asylum, which was now under the control of the Joker. From his perch on the Gargoyle, Batman spotted a new threat who he wasn't prepared for...
"Ah, Batman, I was wondering when you'd show up!" The Scarecrow's gangly frame was not likely to strike fear into the powerfully-built caped crusader, but the long gothic halberd he had stolen from one of the stone guardians at the gate was a very real danger... and who could tell what deadly concoction he was holding in his left hand. Plus, the fact that he was standing on top of a precarious rooftop meant that anything could happen.
"Hello Dr. Crane," scowled Batman. "I didn't think you were due to be released for another two life sentences."
"The Joker arranged this early parole for me," responded Scarecrow. "But that's nothing compared to what I have arranged for you. You see, this mushroom," he held up his left hand, which held an oddly shaped, red and white spotted lump of fungus, "grows deep in the underground caverns of Arkham Island. I've used its unique extract to create my most potent fear toxin ever! I knew you'd be dying to sample it, so I've taken the liberty of coating your precious gargoyles in the stuff before you arrived!"
Batman started to feel woozy. Could he be bluffing? Could this just be the residual effects from his... experimenting earlier in the Batcave. But no, this feeling was unlike any he had felt before. Every muscle in his body seemed to be paralyzed with pure dread. No! he thought to himself. Can't give in! Got to fight it! He dove from the gargoyle and adopted his most intimidating fighting stance, but Scarecrow only responded with his trademark grim laughter. The villain's form seemed to grow larger and more menacing before his eyes. His eyes turned a glowing shade of red and his form towered over the Dark Knight. Now he raised his giant flaming halberd for a deadly strike...
In a desperation maneuver, Batman dove towards his foe and landed under the reach of the swing. As the spear clanged to the ground harmlessly, Scarecrow's form seemed to flash back to ordinary size, and Batman did not miss the opportunity. He ducked in and grabbed the Scarecrow by the collar preparing to deliver a finishing right cross, when suddenly he felt a stinging sensation in his left arm. When Scarecrow had dropped his weapon, he drew a concealed pressurized syringe, which he had just jabbed underneath our hero's outstretched left arm. The shock to his system was too much, and Batman slunk forward, helplessly staring up at his victorious enemy...
Batman awoke in a cold sweat to the sound of thunder and the flash of lightning. Rain pelted down on the windshield of the Batmobile, but our hero wasn't driving. He was chained up in the passenger seat, helpless and babbling like a fool. And who was at the wheel but Batman's greatest arch nemesis, the Joker! With another flash of lightning, Batman found himself strapped to the Clown Prince of Crime's former Hannibal Lecter-style restraints, but with Harley Quinn and the Joker leading the way instead of Guards Cash and Boles. Batman struggled desperately to get free, but to no avail. They stopped when they reached Scarecrow, who was waiting for them in the hall ahead.
"Just got to check your prisoner, dear," said Scarecrow, consulting a chart.
"Better make it quick. He's not looking too good," mocked Harley.
"No, he's not," replied Scarecrow, noting something in his chart. "We really should feel sorry for him. He never fully got over his parents' death. It left him quite insane." He brought his masked face sickeningly close to our hero. "What is going on inside that head of yours, Wayne?"
Batman lunged forward, straining at his bonds. "Cut me free!" he shouted with all his might.
The Scarecrow recoiled and briefly cowered behind his clipboard before composing himself. "Bah, he's gone! Just a twisted shell of a man. We don't expect you to accept your new home easily, Batman, but at least I promise your stay here won't be long!" Scarecrow let out a burst of laughter more hideous than ever before. "He's all yours, Joker!"
"Excellent!" exclaimed the clown prince of crime, drawing a large pistol from his belt. "I've waited a long time for this, Bats. Let's start the party... with a bang!"
He pointed the weapon at our hero and with a shriek of evil laughter, squeezed the trigger...
A Gotham traffic light turns from green to red. A chubby, balding motorist named Charlie nonchalantly drives his beat-up jalopy into the intersection when he suddenly has to slam on his breaks. A small purple motorcycle screeched into the intersection, skidding into a sharp turn, and speeding off past Charlie's driver side window. At the controls was a woman in a black skintight bodysuit wearing a helmet decorated with cat ears. He caught the glint of moonlight catching off a diamond that was flying out of her Santa Claus-style loot bag.
The diamond plinks on the sidewalk and up into the outstretched hand of someone riding a gigantic black motorcycle, a real big one, like Vincent Black Shadow sized, which was bat-themed, naturally. The bike skidded nearly to a stop around the corner in front of Charlie's car, and Charlie heard the rider (upon whose red vest he could clearly discern a stylized letter R) say, "Well, score one back for the Gotham Jewelry Exchange," before slipping the diamond inside his belt and roaring off in the direction of the purple bike.
Robin opens up the throttle, the wind speeding through his miniature cape and across his sleek helmet. He knew that Catwoman's cruiser was no match for the Batcycle on a straightaway, and she had nowhere left to turn. He was gaining more and more ground when... **BEEP** **BEEP** **BEEP** blasted the warning siren of the mobile Batcomputer network into his heads-up display. **URGENT MESSAGE REGARDING STATUS OF: BATMAN** **PLEASE ACKNOWLEDGE**
The Boy Wonder instinctively slowed down to a more maneuverable speed before announcing, "Acknowledge," into his headpiece.
**MOST RECENT BIOLOGICAL SCANS FROM BATMAN'S SUIT** continued the computer, **REVEAL HE IS IN CONSIDERABLE PHYSICAL DISTRESS** **ADRENALINE LEVELS ABNORMALLY HIGH** **MASSIVE FEAR REACTION DETECTED IN THE AMYGDALA OF HIS BRAIN** **HALLUCINATIONS VERY LIKELY**
"SOUNDS LIKE... /ahem, sounds like the Scarecrow to me!" muttered Robin, not so much to the computer as to himself. "Computer! what is Batman's current location?"
**SEARCHING...** **FOUND: ARKHAM ASYLUM, ARKHAM ISLAND DISTRICT** **MAKE A U-TURN WHEN SAFE...**
"I know how to get to Arkham Island, you moron!" shouted Robin at the computer, as he executed an elegant 180-degree turn. "Sorry, Computer, you're not a moron. Go ahead and pump the audio recordings gathered from Batman's helmet into the PA system. I promise I'll drive very safely while I'm listening.
"Well, looks like it's hero-rescuing tonight instead of bagging the babe with the cash," he muttered, definitely to himself. At least the trip over there won't be boring if I get to listen to some of Professor Crane's theatrics on the way."
As Catwoman drove on, fastidiously checking her mirrors, she couldn't help but notice that her pursuer had ground to a halt and changed directions. She didn't stop, because of course it could be a trap, but she knew deep down that her night wasn't going to end after depositing her spoils at her safehouse. Maybe she would be able to hunt more than diamonds tonight...
The familiar chime of the Arkham Asylum PA System rings through the air as Robin surveys the scene from a giant tree bordering the grounds, his helmet replaced by a sneaky-looking hood. "Greetings all new residents of Joker Asylum," came the Joker's voice over the speakers. "This is the Joker here, your new lord and master with an urgent bulletin. We have the Bat! No joke! We tied him up and locked him in Poison Ivy's airtight anti-plant cell, and we're taking bets on how long he'll last! So make sure no one else gets in here and spoils the fun before I can make some money!" He burst into a trail of laughter as Robin grit his teeth and took note of how many guards were patrolling the courtyard. He counted three, all spread out, so he dove from the tree and crouched behind the closest one, holding a pistol, who was psyching himself up.
"No way anyone's stupid enough to come in here and mess with us!" he growled. "We've got this whole place sealed, no way in or out. I'd like to..." But before he could finish his boast, he felt a hand go over his mouth at the same time as he was flipped backwards. Blood rushed to his head and he quickly fell into as pure a state of rest as he had known in a long time. But Robin didn't have long to admire his handiwork as Joker's voice blared over the speakers once again.
"You know, boys, I can see the feed from all those security cameras," he went on excitedly, "and I'm watching one of you going sleepy-bye right now, thanks to that caped teenage creep!" Robin noticed for the first time that he was staring right into the lens of a camera mounted on the gate. "Stop him, you fools, before he gets any further!"
"Aw, nice one, Tim," Robin admonished himself. "Master crime-fighter, geez." A well-placed R-style shuriken went right through the glass creating a shower of sparks and a broken camera.
"Hey, over here!" shouted one of the remaining guards, desperately clutching an assault rifle. "I heard something!"
Robin ducked behind a pile of rubble just in time to see two thugs in cover formation burst out from behind an overturned truck. The one leading the way shouted back, "Found him! Man Down, over here!" The two thugs quickly rushed forward and huddled over the body. "Come on, do you hear me? Wake up! Dammit, he's out cold. What do we do now?"
The third guard, who was armed with a combat shotgun, stood a ways back, surveying the scene. "We gotta find him, or we're next. Robin? Can you hear me? Show yourself!" Suddenly a metal object came hurtling over the guards shoulder and embedded itself into the truck next to his nose. "What was that!?" cried the guard, wheeling around to face the threat. He was answered by a rough slap on the shoulder, as if someone had given him a congratulatory pat on the back, or had planted a small device on him, let's say. He wheeled around to find himself face to face with his target.
"Here I am, bro," offered Robin. In one of his shrugging hands he held a small device with a button. "What do you think?" The guard half-smiled/half-snarled and raised his shotgun, but Robin's thumb was faster. With an almost inaudible beeb, he activated the snapflash, which immediately exploded into a burst of smoke. The thug to which it was attached got blown back against the truck and landed on the ground with stars in his eyes. The second guard, who was a little bit further away, was not hurt, but felt himself engulfed by smoke. Robin dashed into the fray, extended his staff, and brought it down hard on the skull of the downed thug. Consciousness quickly left him.
"Where the hell are you, you little creep!?" the second guard shouted, firing blindly towards the smashing noise with surprising accuracy. Robin had to quickly activate the staff's bullet shield to protect himself. When a couple of shots pinged harmlessly off the shield, Robin deftly leapt to one side, while simultaneously pulling out his grapnel gun. As soon as he caught the first glimpse of his enemy through the smoke, he fired an accurate shot that attached directly to his target's arm. Robin relished the sound of surprise as the metal prongs gripped into his clothes and flesh for just a moment, before activating the spring-loaded retraction mechanism that sent him hurtling toward the thug. Sometimes you get a shout of fear from these guys as they see you flying towards them, thought Robin to himself, as he accelerated towards a flying kick. But cuz of the smoke, this guy literally won't know what hit him. It all seemed to happen in slow motion, the moment of impact, the sickening BAM / SPLAT sound, and a limp body on the floor.
"Alright, Robin exclaimed, ducking behind the truck and activating his in-mask GPS. "Let's see if I can put a crimp in whatever Poison Ivy has in store for old Bats tonight." He marked the location on his map and sped off into the night...
NOTE: The videos are embedded for soundtrack purposes only. The idea is for you, dear reader, to hit play before you start reading, and the music should last until the next segment (i.e. the next embedded video). The pictures are just included so the videos can stand alone on YouTube.
On the outskirts of Gotham City, far from the dark gothic mass of Arkham, stood stately Wayne Manor, home of billionaire playboy/entrepreneur/philanthropist Bruce Wayne. Gotham's most eligible bachelor has just pulled his expensive car into the driveway, the engine still hot from his 14-mile commute from Wayne Tower, where he spent his day at the helm of WayneTech Enterprises. As you can imagine, he's kind of a big deal - just look at his expensive suit, well-defined cheekbones, and perfectly coiffed hairdo.
His faithful butler, Alfred, took the car and drove it around to the expansive garage as our hero rushed to the false bookcase in the study and took the hidden elevator down to his second home: the Batcave! Built in a network of caves underneath the foundation of Wayne Manor, the Batcave is the secret base of operations of Gotham's trademark hero, Batman, housing a garage and hangar big enough for his various Bat-vehicles, an armory stocked with Bat-Gear, and a state-of-the-art $50 million computer. It was at this computer that Bruce Wayne sat down and activated a secret panel underneath the desk, exposing a shiny herbal vaporizing device. Wayne was not a man to indulge in the idle vices - this device was filled with a compound synthesized from a chemical Batman had collected from his last run-in with the Scarecrow's minions at the Health Springs Spa. Better to try to build up an immunity, rather than get caught off guard again, Wayne thought, as he took a long draw from the pipe.
"Computer," coughed Wayne through a wisp of hazy blue smoke. "Activate random case file. Display onscreen." The computer's familiar clicking and whirring echoed through the cave as images started to flash across the screen. Whenever Wayne had any free time, which was rare given the responsibilities inherent in living a double life, he liked to review the extensive case notes he took every time he donned the Batsuit to fight crime. But as the computer settled on a particular file, Wayne gasped sharply. Not this one, he thought. Not today. Batman had Poison Ivy secure in his holding cell, but Bane, under the influence of her mind-altering pheromones, had sought her out, broke into the Batcave, and waged a fierce battle to rescue her. It was one of the rare missions Batman had ever had to work on his home turf. It was also the last mission he ever worked with the second Robin, Jason Todd...
But before the memories had time to fully sink in, Wayne's attention was drawn by the bright flashing and loud blaring of the "ALERT" siren. Thanks to Wayne Enterprises technologies, the Batcomputer had a direct, semi-legal link into all emergency broadcast frequencies in the city, ensuring that Batman would always have a leg up on the criminal population, often hearing of events before even local law enforcement. This transmission was coming from Arkham Asylum, so it took highest priority (i.e. had the brightest flashing and loudest blaring).
"This is Arkham Guard Frank Boles," came the voice over the speaker. "We are experiencing a code red escape attempt! Guard Cash and Dr. Quinzell are trapped upstairs with the Joker and he's locked off all communications. He somehow gained access to the entire mainframe. I don't know what's going on, but we're gonna need backup over here, n..." But Boles's voice was abruptly cut off by the gruesome sound of regulation plastic polymer smashing into human skull, followed by the unmistakable laugh that can only come from one man: the Joker. Then nothing but haunting static.
In a flash, Wayne was out of his chair and running full speed to his quick-change chamber, a gadget he had specially built for a time just like this when time was of the essence. The quickest route to Arkham was by air, and the Batwing's autopilot was competent enough that he would be able to prepare for whatever situation awaited him by reviewing the Arkham security feed on the heads-up display via satellite uplink. Wayne settled himself in the quick-change chamber and drew a deep breath as he pushed the button that would complete his transformation into...
BATMAN!
Back at Arkham Asylum, Joker had wasted no time making himself at home. The sedated form of Aaron Cash sat twitching and frothing at the mouth, strapped into the patient observation chair. Frank Boles and what was left of his face sat slumped over the guard desk at the entryway. The sound of alarms echoed through the halls - a haunting accompaniment to the screams of the guards as they were brutally overtaken by swarms of released criminals and henchmen. Joker took it all in, humming to himself as he playfully wandered through the cell block, meticulously destroying each security camera or Arkham guard he came across, with his newly-minted henchwoman at his side.
"Harley, my dear," he chuckled, wiping off his knife. "I do believe this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship."
"Oh, Mister J!" squealed Quinn, deftly leaping up and slicing the power to a camera high on the wall overlooking the computer in the Security Control Room. "Do ya mean it?"
"Er... Yeah, yeah, sure," responded Joker, more interested in the controls than whatever Harley was saying. "But Batman is sure to be on his way as we speak. Which one of our friends should I let out to deal with him, hmm?"
Joker found just the one. A stream of eerie green mist seemed to seep out of the cell as the door slid mechanically open. A foot stepped out into the mist, belonging to a man dressed in tattered clothes made out of burlap sacks sewn together with the remains of a torn Arkham inmate uniform, then produced the crown jewel of his costume: a ghastly mask that covered his face and extended above his head in the form of a warped wicked witch's hat.
"Here's Johnny!" shouted the Joker, gleefully embracing his newest cohort. "Johnny Crane, that is, FORMER professor of psychiatry at Gotham University, give it up for him, folks!" But instead, the shouts of violence and revelry seemed to die down in the Scarecrow's presence. All the remaining guards and even some of Joker's braver henchmen skittered away before the master of fear, whose only response was a burst of grim laughter. Lightning strikes here, why not.
"Say, think you could whip up a batch of that fear gas of yours before ol' pointy-ears shows up?" inquired Joker. "I don't care how you do it - maybe it involves eating a big fear burrito, I don't know - but I think it would be hilarious to use the security cameras here to videotape "our hero" going completely out of his mind!"
"Yes!" responded the Scarecrow. "Simply point me towards the laboratory and I shall make the bat cower before me!" Then more laughter, from both of them, then out.
Smash to: Fade in: Main Gates of Arkham Asylum. Pan up to reveal the Arkham building far across a wide expanse of courtyard, which is deserted, save for some flipped over/burning trucks and a few henchman wandering around causing trouble. Suddenly a rogue Arkham guard rushes out from behind cover and breaks for the gate. One henchman spots him, yells, and signals for two others, who soon give chase. They're just about to surround him when...
A familiar silhouette crosses the moon and the henchman freeze. They simultaneously look up to see our hero Batman, who streaks by in his newest, shininest black Batsuit and his finest hang-glider. He detaches himself from his aerial vehicle and extends his cape, easing himself into a glide, but is still traveling fast enough to deliver a flying kick to one of the henchman at a considerable speed. He goes sprawling onto his back, while another immediately charges with a pipe. He gets a batarang between the eyes for his trouble and staggers back. The third one, who was closer to the fray, manages to throw a big haymaker punch, but Batman goes into aikido stance, Shomenuchi Ikkiyo Tenkan (although he doesn't stop when the henchman taps), and the goon ends up with one less usable arm. The stars disappear from the last thug's eyes just in time to see a Sweet Chin Music that puts his lights out (although he doesn't bother to pin). Batman latches his grapple gun to the nearest gargoyle, hoists himself up there, and surveys the scene, heroically.
For my birthday last week, my friends all chipped in and got me the amazing new LEGO Arkham Asylum set #10937. As I was putting it together, I snapped some pictures with my phone to document the process (known in the AFOL world as "vignettes"), which, for LEGO, is just as important, if not more so, as the end result. Then, based on the success of my Batman: The Animated Series Power Hour on YouTube (6,300 views and counting), I thought I'd present those pictures on this blog, accompanied by a corresponding narrative and some music from my favorite Batman stories. Just hit play on the embedded video before starting to read each section and enjoy Chapter 1 of my first ever LEGO multimedia project!
The Joker has just stood trial for his latest crime. What crime it might have been isn't important - whether it was flooding the Riverfront District with toxic laughing gas and going on a looting spree, or the attempted murder of a casino magnate as retaliation for modeling his latest establishment after the Joker, or the psychological torture of some poor sap who just found himself on the wrong freeway at the wrong time - the conclusion is always the same. Joker's court-appointed public defender, the only attorneys who will go near the clown, filed a standard cut-and-dry insanity plea, which the judge was all too eager to grant. This was not because his honor believed the eccentric supervillain would be better rehabilitated in a psychiatric facility, but because in Gotham, the criminally insane are taken to the most secure place in the city: Arkham Asylum.
The date and time of Joker's transfer from the courthouse holding cells to Arkham was kept a secret until the last minute to discourage media attention/breakout attempts, and when the time came, Arkham guards Aaron Cash and Frank Boles were on the case. Cash had lost his hand in a scuffle with Killer Croc months ago, but fortunately he didn't lose any of the hard-nosed grit and instincts that made him one of the best officers in Arkham's security corps; and the grisly hook that took the place of his left hand made him an even more fearsome opponent to any inmates who attempt to escape. Boles came from a troubled past and had a reputation as a hard and irresponsible drinker, but no guard except Cash could match him for pure toughness.
As they secured Joker into his Hannibal Lecter-style restraints and loaded him into the back of the armored van, a smile crept across his twisted blood-red lips and a grim chuckle slowly built into a full-on gleeful cackle. Boles and Cash shared an uneasy glance, certain that this night had more in store for them than meets the eye.
An armored van bearing the "Arkham Asylum" insignia pulled up to a pair of intricately carved and heavily barred iron gates. A security camera swept over the vehicle, verifying its inhabitants, and the gates automatically started to swing inwards. On either side of the opening, menacing winged and hooded figures stood guard, each holding a symbolic key and a very real and intimidating polearm. As the van passed through, the driver beheld the magnificent gothic architecture of Arkham Asylum: floor-to-ceiling reinforced plate glass windows framed by ornate columns, gargoyle-dotted spires towering above ivy-covered walls, and a foreboding atmosphere like you wouldn't believe.
Dr. Harleen Quinzell watches from her second floor office window as the van approaches, returning her most dangerous and high profile patient into her care once more. Quinzell had been treating the Joker for months now, as he bounced in and out of Arkham's revolving door. During that time, she had developed quite the rapport with the Clown Prince of Crime - one that her some of her fellow doctors worry perhaps bordered on obsession. If they only knew how right they were...
Deep in the basement below the medical building, Dr. Quinzell had fashioned a makeshift shrine to the Joker. It was to here she ran when she saw her puddin' coming through the main gate. Taking a page out of his stylistic book, she plastered her face with white makeup, put on the harlequin-style hat she fashioned herself, and gathered up the makeshift weapons she had put together using only materials found inside the asylum and prepared to debut her very own supervillain persona.
Aaron Cash and Frank Boles wheeled the Joker into the main entrance of Arkham Asylum only to find the front desk completely unmanned. In the guard's place was a note that read "Went to tinkle, Ollie, XOXO."
"I never knew North to sign his letters in lipstick," remarked a curious Boles, upon reading the note. "Something doesn't seem right."
"I agree. But you'd better man the desk, though," said Cash. "The control system for the entire cell block is housed in there. I'll be fine taking this animal upstairs by myself. He hasn't made a peep all night."
"Sounds good to me," replied Boles, as he made himself comfortable at the desk. As he watched Cash take his prisoner into the secure elevator, he opened up his emergency whiskey stash and poured some into a regulation plastic polymer mug. "This is gonna be a long night," he muttered to himself.
Upstairs, Cash found the examination room empty as well. "Dr. Quinzell, I have your prisoner here!" he shouted into the office.
"Thank you, Guard Cash," replied the doctor's voice from the intercom. "You can transfer the patient to the chair. I have a strong sedative ready."
"Copy that, Dr. Quinzell," replied Cash as he began to remove the restraints. "But I'd be careful if I were you. Something doesn't seem right tonight...."
But before he could finish, Cash felt a sharp jab in the back of his neck. As the sedative began to take hold he was just able to catch a glimpse of Dr. Quinzell's face, which was hardly recognizable under the clownish makeup and domino mask that concealed the truly sinister visage of the Joker's newest minion, Harley Quinn!
The crowning achievement of my LEGO career that spans back some 20 years is now complete. It's a lot more purple than I'd like, but until I can find three each of element number 4215982 and 4204624 on the black market (the LEGO Customer Service site lists them as "Permanently Out of Stock"), I'm afraid it'll have to stay that way. A special thanks to all the folks at LEGO Customer Service (especially Jamie, Peter, James, and Joonho with whom I corresponded) - I quite literally couldn't have done it without you.
Finally, my minifig version of the dynamic duo is ready to take on their arch-nemesis in style!
Holy Headroom, Batman!
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Way back in 2008, in conjunction with the cinematic triumph that was The Dark Knight, LEGO partnered with Warner Bros. and DC Comics (as it was then called) to bring us one of the coolest (if not the coolest) licensed LEGO sets of all time: 7888 The Tumbler: Joker's Ice Cream Surprise. Needless to say, the prize of that set was not the charming ice cream truck nor even the armored Batman minifig made to resemble the suit worn by Christian Bale in the movie, but Christopher Nolan's epic tank-like version of the Batmobile, known as the Tumbler. In all, the set included 449 pieces, was priced at $49.99, and was available in stores for just over six months.
At that time in my life, a very different person must have occupied the skin-bag of my body, because that's the only explanation for why I don't have no fewer than three copies of this set at home; one fully assembled on my shelf, one scavenged for spare parts, and one mint-in-box, calmly appreciating to 15 times its original market price. (Set 7888 is currently going for $800 on Amazon and even more than that on eBay.) I don't know if that past person was not yet a fully fledged AFOL, or if he just didn't think of a LEGO set as a worthwhile investment. But either way, I've had to live with the disappointment of not having that set every day for the last four years.
This year, to coincide with The Dark Knight Rises, LEGO, DC, and Warner Bros. came out with a new movie-themed set: 76001 The Bat vs. Bane: Tumbler Chase. While both sets include a LEGO Tumbler, the model in 7888 compares to the model in 76001 like the full-sized drivable version compares to the miniature prop scale model used for effects shots. I mean, the new Tumbler (with the lame camo color scheme) barely has enough internal space to fit the Bane minifig, let alone Batman with his oversized cowl. Last month, I spent some time with 76001, including swapping out the brown and tan pieces for black ones and making some custom alterations, which got me thinking: why couldn't I try to re-create the Tumbler from 7888 using my own resources and the ones LEGO makes available to me?
If I were to go about realizing this mammoth undertaking, the first step would be to determine which pieces I need. LEGO Customer Service graciously lets you download PDFs of any set for which you know the number, so it's easy to get my hands on the design specifications. However, the complete inventory on the last page of the instructions includes all the pieces necessary to build the incidental ice cream truck as well as the coveted Tumbler - which means, if I want an accurate count, I'd have to go through the instructions step-by-step and mark which pieces are used. This becomes a little tricky because this set was made before the LEGO Revolution, where every step has a little box showing you which pieces are required for that step. I'd have to compare each picture to the step that came before it and see what has changed, which is no small task given the medium-quality scans provided on the website.
After this somewhat labor intensive process of making my own inventory, the next step is to figure out how I can get my hands on these pieces. Most of them can come from my own personal stock of LEGO bricks (albeit not all of them in exactly the right color) and for the pieces that I don't possess, there's the LEGO Shop's Pick A Brick feature. All you have to do is type in the Element ID (the six or seven digit number accompanying each piece in the instruction's inventory) and the search engine will give you the price and the option to buy it. There's a way to circumvent some of the rare bricks that don't exist in Pick A Brick by using the Design ID, a shorter number that refers to the same type of brick but in a different color. To find that number, which is not listed in the instructions, I can use the more detailed inventory provided on the truly amazing Brickset site. Clicking on the "Parts" tab brings up a visual inventory where every brick has a link to every other color and every other LEGO set in which that brick is available. Is there nothing the internet can't provide to us obsessive AFOL's?
But hang on... there are still some pieces that just plain aren't available in ANY color from Pick A Brick, including the piece you need for the VERY FIRST STEP of building the LEGO Tumbler from 7888. I must admit that I was about to despair the prospect of ever completing this project... until I noticed a link to the LEGO Customer Service replacement parts page. This hidden feature requires you to make a list of every brick you want, send it to LEGO, and wait for a personalized invoice from a real-life customer service representative telling you how much those bricks will cost. Then the only way to actually place your order is to call in and give your credit card number to a real person. It's more expensive than Pick A Brick, but it's much faster (since each order doesn't have to clear customs on its way from the warehouse in Poland where they all originate) and includes a much wider variety of available pieces.
The gang waits for the last shipment from Wayne Enterprises.
If you haven't been able to tell, I've already gone through the steps outlined above. I received my replacement parts order and my Pick A Brick shipment is en route to Los Angeles, according to the LEGO tracking site. But I can't wait and have to get started, whether or not I have the wheel wells or the front tires...
The first discrepancy between the instructions and my raw materials came in step 8, which calls for black 1x10 technic bricks, but I only have them in medium stone gray. So what if the very front of the vehicle is a different color than it should be? It will only set the tone for how the rest of it will look... On step 11, I actually had to replace some dark stone gray pieces with black ones, which will be totally unnoticeable. Then on step 16, some of the big plates in the cockpit that are supposed to be yellow will have to be substituted with red. You know, Batman's original costume was supposed to be red-tinted, but they decided it would look too much like Superman. We can just say this change is an homage to Batman's history. Plus, with the replacement red plates and light green 1x8 bricks, the cockpit is getting a decisive Robin-esque flair, which is appropriate, cuz he'll be riding shotgun most of the time.
Step 26 is the first spot where I needed to use a piece from the Pick A Brick order. Having to wait 13-18 business days after they receive your order is a real buzzkill, but my spirits were lifted at Step 28 when I used the last of the replacement gray 1x2 roof tiles. I'll be free to use the black ones that are called for in the instructions for the rest of the build. Ditto on step 31 for the dark stone gray lamp holders. The first real hard choice came in the next step, where I have to decide what to do with a brown 1x4 roof tile that has to be right up front. The instructions call for six, and I only have two black ones and two dark gray ones, so the rest have to be an out of place earth tone. I've tried to hide it behind the front tires, but until the Pick A Brick package arrives, I won't know how successful that strategy will look.
I had to stop at step 3 of instruction booklet 2 which calls for covering up a Pick A Brick piece that has not yet arrived. So I pause now to wait outside for the mailman and will post an update when the whole thing is done.
The holiday season is the time for toy companies to let it all hang out and put their most impressive wares on display in hope that excited children will convince their parents to buy them. Which is why it's curious that LEGO's new set based on this summer's blockbuster hit The Dark Knight Rises wasn't available until January. Luckily for us AFOLs (Adult Fans Of LEGO) the season of treating yourself is year-round. So yesterday I went to my local LEGO store, redeemed by $5 credit for being a member of the VIP club, and purchased The Bat vs. Bane: Tumbler Chase.
"We take Gotham from the corrupt... and
give it back to you... the people."
The set itself is a good example of the excellence that modern LEGO products generally exhibit. It's got two vehicles: a camo Tumbler that pales in comparison to the discontinued set from 2008, and the movie's unimaginatively-titled The Bat, from which I later cannibalized many of the core pieces in order to make a black version of the Tumbler... but not before re-creating select scenes from the movies (pictured). The Tumbler's coolest feature is a bank of concealed missiles, but in a triumph of convenience over authenticity, they gave it a front central axle - the two front wheels in the actual movie version were somewhat illogically free-standing. It's also got precious little headroom - I had to alter the design a bit for the black version in order to accomodate Batman's headgear. The Bat, despite its scaled-down size, surprisingly had room for two LEGO minifigs inside.I was however confused at the maneuverability of the front propeller-thingies. With three separate ball and socket joints, they appear more like robot arms than... come to think of it, what are those things there for in the first place?
But it's the TDKR-inspired minifigs that really give the set its personality. They brought back the movie-themed Batman from the aforementioned 2008 set, and it's always nice to add another Batman cape to my collection - this new one brings my total to three black, one blue. I don't know why the prepackaged Bane figure is wearing a solitary Michael Jackson glove, but I replaced his torso with a furry jacket reminiscent of the one he wears in the film. I also took Commissioner Gordon's head off the SWAT uniform, put it on Bruce Wayne's suit from last year's Batcave set, and gave him gray hair so that he better resembles the character from the 1992 Animated Series.
"My mother warned me about getting into cars with strange minifigs."
To complete the experience, I of course put on my copy of TDKR on BluRay while building. Seeing the film for the third time, the first from the comfort of my own home, I was inspired to make a list of the things that bothered me about it. Not that I didn't like the movie as a whole; it just left a lot to be desired in the whole logic/creating a compelling version of the Batman universe departments. Since, according to Jim Gordon, we shouldn't believe in coincidence, there must be some cosmic significance behind the fact that this video from CinemaSins came out the very same day. They mention four of my biggest grievances among their 73 movie sins, so I won't waste precious space on the blogosphere except to innumerate them:
Sin #8: How does Officer Blake figure out Batman's secret identity just by looking at him? Even Dick Grayson had to be told, and he lived in Wayne Manor for gosh knows how many months before becoming Robin.
Sin #14: Alfred's false exposition about Bane. The folks at CinemaSins were confused that Alfred even knew all that information to begin with but I don't think it's unreasonable that he could come up with it given a couple hours on the Batcomputer. What upsets me is that everything he says turns out to be a lie. And it's the worst kind of lie that can be told in a movie based on a previously established and well-loved canon: information that is true in ALL OTHER VERSIONS OF THE STORY, but which is revealed to be nothing but a red-herring in this universe.
It only comes in black if you make a few custom modifications...
Sin #23: The stock market fraud that leaves Bruce Wayne penniless. While examining the evidence, Lucius Fox remarks, "Long term we may be able to prove fraud." Meanwhile, short term, what in the name of Dow Jones are the police and the SEC doing with the VIDEO FOOTAGE of Bane breaking in and HACKING INTO THE ONLINE TRADING DESK??? I doubt they could have confused the masked mercenary for Bruce Wayne inputting his actual thumbprint...
Sin #64: Bane and Talia's backstory reveal. I haven't actually read any of the Batman comics, but isn't Batman supposed to meet and bond with Talia before he even meets Ra's al Ghul and finds out she's his daughter? Even if you want to keep it so he trained with Ra's and the League of Shadows (or Society of Shadows or League of Assassins, depending on your continuity), you can still have him meet Talia as an ally without knowing her connection to Ra's. It's similar to what happened with Venom in Spiderman 3: wasting one of the deepest and most influential characters by relegating her to the last 30 seconds of the movie.
The Bane voice takes up three sins (#1, #25, #42), and while its campy indecipherable tone definitely goes a long way in dragging down the credibility of this movie, I don't even know if he's the worst offender in the unable-to-be-understood department. Of course there's the famous bat-voice, and Marion Cotillard's accent shouldn't win any prizes for clarity. But I think Commissioner Gordon might take the cake with his emotionally guttural raspy growl. Effective thought it may be, it's inexcusable that a character who's not wearing a mask should have a three-minute scene of dialogue where the only words you can understand are "filth" and "friend like I did."
Front-mounted propellers or Robo-arms? YOU DECIDE!
But my number one biggest objection to the movie has to do with Bruce Wayne's pathetic obsession with Rachel. Let's start at the beginning: Why does Bruce Wayne become Batman? Because he saw his parents gunned down before his eyes at a young age, an experience that profoundly changed him, inspiring a near superhuman level of focus and drive that allowed him to become a powerful crime fighter. This experience so fundamentally changes his character that it comes to to define him more than the name and fortune he was born into. Over the course of the first two movies, Bruce falls in love with a girl who ends up dying tragically. And in the third one he gets so broken up about this that he becomes too depressed to be Batman anymore.
So let me get this straight: His heartbreak over losing the girl he likes weighs more heavily on his soul than the loss of his parents? How can this character use one instance of tragedy as an inciting incident to inspire him to greatness, but gets completely flatlined by another similar tragedy? Keeping with the pattern of his origin story, shouldn't Rachel's death have caused him to become some sort of Mega-Ultra-Batman, rather than leave him depressed and useless for the first hour and a half of the movie? This inconsistency immediately cheapens Christopher Nolan's version of the character.
You may read this and think I'm a new-Batman-hater. I'm not, I'm really not. We fanboys have the tendency to scrutinize most vehemently the things we love best, and my nitpicking of this particular movie is really just an affirmation of how devoted I am to any version of Batman that might come to be. Including LEGO Batman in the upcoming movie (voiced by Will Arnett, I'm told, which I'm extremely eager to hear). However, my custom LEGO Batman minifig remains free from all reproach as the most genuine and pure Batman ever to grace the toy shelf. Here's hoping they'll make a movie version that approaches his awesomeness one day...
Thanksgiving is a day for reminding ourselves what we have to be thankful for. Right now I personally am thankful that I had some time off work where I was able to play through the story mode of LEGO: The Lord of the Rings. I was going to review it piecemeal, similar to how I chronicled my journey through Batman: Arkham City, but I found that I just in fact couldn't bring myself to stop adventuring long enough to reflect. With the main story behind me, I'm ready to take a pause before embarking on my quest for 100% completion.
SPOILERS FOLLOW
Upon playing through Weathertop and finding myself at Rivendell, I realized I had to amend my previous statements about multiple hub worlds: there is in fact only ONE giant Middle Earth hub world, but the various cities are spaced so far apart that at the time I thought I was dealing with multiple locations. This feature sets up a nice dichotomy between the actual action-packed levels on one hand and the low-key hub world on the other, through which you have to travel in order to reach the next level. You can use the map to go directly to certain locations, but only after you've unlocked the "Map Stone" for that area, but it's more fun to wander through the landscape and listen to the majestic music pulled right from the movie soundtracks. Plus, if you quick-travel, you miss out on all the side-quests and hidden Mithril Bricks hidden throughout the land!
I'll go into the rewards-collection process in my next post - before you can even begin thinking about collecting all the prizes in the game, you need to unlock more characters/items than are available to you simply from playing through the story mode. Suffice it to say, the game provides you with just enough resources to progress, but not to thrive in the treasure hunting business. For example, if you have to shoot down some boulders that are blocking your path on the Pass of Caradhras, you now have Legolas who's equipped with a bow. Or if there's a crack in the floor of the Mines of Moria that you have to smash through, Gimli's axe will do the trick. (And if that crack is situated high up on the wall, don't worry: one of the bigger characters can pick Gimli up and toss him! Just don't tell the Elf...) But forget about grabbing those orange handles or blowing up those shiny metallic LEGO bricks until way down the road.
Speaking of the mines of Moria, I was immediately struck by the lack of a boss fight with Gandalf vs. the Balrog - I guess you have to play The Third Age if you want to re-live that scene - but I was immediately gratified when we got to play as Gandalf as he plummeted through the chasm and fought the Balrog in free-fall. Plus we revisit the wizard's fight with the ancient demon on top of the peak of Zirak-Zigil two levels later, when Frodo sees the events in a dream while wandering through the Emyn Muil with Sam. But that doesn't happen until after you finish the levels associated with Fellowship and watch the game's credits roll, for the first of three times. At this point I was 10.8% done with the game.
Speaking of Frodo and Sam's adventures, it seems like this game struggles a bit with coming up with meaningful gameplay in the chapters that feature the Hobbits. For example, there's a long sequence where you have to search for fish to distract Gollum enough to punch him, and in the Dead Marshes using Frodo's Elven cloak to hide from the Black Riders over and over gets pretty repetitive. Thankfully the monotony is broken up by... Treebeard and the Ents! While these characters brought only minutes of slow-talking boredom to the table, it's much more fun to smash orcs and toss huge boulders while playing as them. Except for the missed opportunity to remove Aragorn's unnecessary red-herring death of falling off the cliff at the conclusion of the Warg Attack, the rest of The Two Towers plays out extremely satisfyingly, including an epic trip to Helm's Deep. My progress now stood at 19.7%.
Speaking of missed opportunities to remove superfluous bits added to the movie, I don't know why they found it necessary to keep in the whole bit of Frodo sending Sam away at the stairs of Cirith Ungol. I will speak out against that decision as long as I am able. On the other hand, a section of the movie that was cut but shouldn't have been was EVERYTHING THAT TOOK PLACE IN MINAS TIRITH! You don't meet Denethor, you don't get to play as Gandalf and Pippin inside the gates of the city, nothing! At least it's satisfying to fight the Witch King as Eowyn and to take out all the Oliphaunts with Aragorn and Legolas. The fight at the Black Gate was less so, as you basically just find three different yet similar ways to dispatch some trolls (which we'd already seen in Moria), before switching back to Sam and Frodo, who I'm glad to say get a costume change for their trek up Mount Doom. After completing Return of the King, I was 29.9% of the way through. That's a lot of ground to cover for my next post. But if anyone's up to the task....
