Fantasy Astrology Waiver Wire - September 2016

With news starting to break about the 2017 World Baseball Classic, that got me thinking about the possibility of an Astrology Baseball Classic. Because when you think about it, the general principle behind constructing WBC rosters is to make a list of all available players, then organize that list by the "Country of Birth" (or rather, "Country of Heritage") column. Using the same principle, couldn't we just arrange the list by the "Astrological Sign" column, and play some exhibition games? I've been doing the first part of this equation every year since 2012, but instead of exhibition games, in my case I play a hypothetical fantasy season. 

If we're talking about astrology, I must first say a few words about Kyle Schwarber, CHC C/OF on the DL for the year. Not about his nonexistant 2016 season, but about a piece of human error (mine) that had mistakenly attributed his hypothetical service to the Aries Rams. This is not so: I goofed and he is a Pisces. Wouldn't have mattered this year of course...  And wouldn't have mattered last year, in fact, as the Fish won the championship even without the Warbird's powerful bat in the lineup down the stretch. 

Speaking of down the stretch, the baseball season is in it right now, in a big way. Which means teams are scouring for help anywhere they can, real teams and fantasy teams both. That extends to human owned and pregenerated teams like my astrology teams, which I don't update often or regularly throughout the year. Which means there are some real gems on the waiver wire who either just now started to get hot, or who aren't needed due to a stacked roster in front of them, or who I just plain missed. Here are some such players, sorted by ESPN's player rater, but with fantasy points as of the All-Star Break. 

In case you skipped right to the chart and didn't read my spiel at the top, there's a row with Kyle Schwarber's full 2016 contribution, with the proper name in the Astrology column. Speaking of columns, a 2016 Team that's not in bold font represents a player who made his Major League debut this season. The three players with that distinction are all varying degrees of Rookie: Jameson Taillon has an empty P2 column, because he also appeared in my 2015 40-Man Rosters document. Willson Contreras has a green shaded P2 column, because he was added during the off season, while Edwin Diaz's is shaded cyan because he was added during the current season, when he took over as the Mariners' closer. David Dahl has nothing in that column, because he did not make his big league debut until after the Midsummer Classic, but trust me, this kid is for real - he's averaged 15.3 points in his first 30 games in the majors.

Contreras has fallen off a bit since the break, but he did just add LF eligibility (with 20 games), which might be important for a team that also has breakout candidate Sandy Leon behind the plate. Dahl will play on the other side of speedster Rajai Davis, even though he also can also fill the CF slot in standard ESPN leagues, despite just 5 games there in the majors. This outfield alignment allows for a corner infield made up of Brandon Moss and Hernan Perez, who can also roam the grass in a pinch. The best defensive alignment likely has the red hot Jedd Gyorko at DH, with Danny Espinosa shifting to his old position of 2B, and iron-gloved Marcus Semien nonetheless at SS.

On the pitching side, we all know about Jameson Taillon's prospect pedigree, while both Danny Duffy and David Phelps are rather recent additions to their teams' starting rotations, as they had each spent the early parts of their seasons in the bullpen. (Duffy is currently pitching like an ace and is currently providing a boost to my own personal fantasy team in the playoffs.) Straily and Fiers are two mid-rotation arms who were relied on out of necessity, and who happened to get hot at the right time. Of the two relievers we haven't talked about, Tyler Thornburg is the more steady bet for saves, after the departure of Jeremy Jeffress and Will Smith out of Milwaukee, as Jim Johnson will lose a significant amount of GF's to Arodys Vizcaino.

From an astrological standpoint, most of these players are available for one of three reasons. The first and most interesting reason is that their team has a surplus at that player's position. For example, it would be very hard for Rajai Davis to break into a Libra outfield mix that also includes Mookie Betts, Bryce Harper, Carlos Gonzalez, Yoenis Cespedes, Jose Bautista, Andrew McCutchen, and Starling Marte. (Hey, I never said these astrology teams were fair...) Brandon Moss places a distant fourth on the Virgo 1B depth chart behind Paul Goldschmidt, Joey Votto, and Freddie Freeman; and don't expect him to be taking too many outfield at bats away from George Springer, Gregory Polanco, or Ian Desmond. As electric as Edwin Diaz is right now, I don't think he's a more dependable saves option for Aries than Mark Melancon, Dellin Betances, or David Robertson (all three developed by the New York Yankees, btw).

The second and most boring reason is that their team is simply too far out of the running for me to care about making changes. Willson Contreras might be a better bet than the aging Jayson Werth, but at 6-13, Taurus is not going to make the playoffs. I'm sure Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Gemini could use an extra quality starter, but why should I bother making the changes if it's not going to affect the league champions.

Which brings us to the third and most embarrassing reason: I just wasn't paying attention. Capricorn would love another breakout arm to replace the injured Junior Guerra, and Danny Duffy fits the bill exactly. Jedd Gyorko is blocked at his natural position by 2B Robinson Cano, but the way he's playing, he might have earned a shot to unseat Libra 1B Ryan Zimmerman. Hernan Perez is swinging the bat so well that he would likely be an improvement over the slumping Aries outfielders Jay Bruce or Dexter Fowler. But who has time to keep up to date on that kind of stuff? It's just a game, after all!

By the way, I was serious about an Astrology Baseball Classic, and I think with some serious lobbying from the New Age crowd, we could maybe make it happen. At the very least, I could crunch the numbers through a video game to see what it might look like. But I probably won't do that because I can't help it if I'm still obsessed with Batman video games...

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let’s Play #14 - Catwoman

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let's Play Archive!

UPDATE: While the video has been updated, none of the commentary below (from 2016) has! Please consider this a re-post!

The first two acts of Catwoman's title episode, just like the last act of the last episode, focus solely on the Riddler's Revenge side mission, where criminal genius Edward Nygma has captured cat burglar with a heart of gold Selina Kyle. Batman then has to go through a series of tasks to free her, each more head-scratchingly challenging than the last. The reason this particular aspect of the game gets so much time and attention so close to the finale is because this is a video game playthrough at heart, and I wanted to stay true to the fact that this is technically the last mission you're able to complete before embarking on the end of the game's story mode. There's a more cinematic way to handle this storyline, which I'll go over after running through which Riddler Challenges I've decided to show in this playthrough.

The introduction to the Riddler's plot, which appears at the end of Episode 4, is necessary to complete the main story. The first optional challenge is technically available to players even before that point - I skipped a tutorial style section of gameplay, which would have taken place in Episode 2, where we are introduced to the Mission Select Subscreen. One of these missions is the first of three Batmobile races, called Mental Blocked, but I chose to leave even this early option until after we receive our new Batmobile because, frankly, every other mission objective in the game seemed more pressing (no offense to Catwoman). This physics-defying track introduces a fourth element to the classic gas+brake+steer driving dynamic: the ability to interact with obstacles on the track, either removing barricades or creating roadways. It's the type of adventure that goes great on a computer screen, but that would be far too campy and/or expensive to produce in a real-life adaptation.

Upon completion of this race, we're shown that Catwoman has to unlock her exploding collar with nine separate keys (one for each life of a cat), which again would provide a video gamer with hours of entertainment, but which would bore a viewer to tears after a few go-rounds. Which is why I decided to skip all the way to the final two challenges, starting with Advanced Deathtraps. As this puzzle involves each character walking on foot through an electrified floor maze, it isn't all that visually dynamic. But it acts as a perfect bed for Joker to spout some backstory about Batman's failed relationship with Talia Al-Ghul, the love of our hero's life, who was murdered by Joker near the end of Arkham City. This gives a little bit of insight into where poor Bruce Wayne stands romantically, while exploring a connection with Catwoman.

Image Credit: The Workprint Arkham Knight Review

Since we've already seen a Batmobile race, the next bit is technically more of the same, but the Condamned racetrack gets so much dramatic fanfare as the final challenge (plus it's just a brilliantly-designed and difficult course), I felt it was only right and proper to give it a place of honor as the Episode 14 opener. It also allowed me to explore a connection between two of my favorite video games: notably how Batman's ability to summon the Batmobile from anywhere in Gotham is strikingly similar to Link's ability to summon his faithful horse Epona from anywhere in the land of Hyrule. And with that connection made, it was only natural to layer in the music that accompanies Epona's dramatic race from Ocarina of Time.

Speaking of layering in music, I scored the FINAL final challenge (the aptly named Final Exam) with Selina Kyle's theme from The Dark Knight Rises. I have to say that while I will not hesitate to point out the flaws in TDKR, the depiction of the Catwoman character to be spot on (at least her personality and backstory, if not her motivation, and despite the absence of the name Catwoman in the script). A big reason the character was successful for me was the effectiveness of Hans Zimmer's musical motif, which is why I put it on display here next to Shirley Walker's theme from The Animated Series (Episodes 4 and 13) and (later) Danny Elfman's theme from Batman Returns.

After jumping through the supposed last hoop, Riddler shows off his giant mech-suit, but then refuses to unlock the full boss fight until you spend a significant amount of time trawling the game's world for literally hundreds of hidden items. This might seem like an obvious place to pull up even more time than I already did (i.e. why not just remove the whole Riddler Trophy scavenger hunt aspect from the Let's Play plot entirely?), but like Lucius Fox in Batman Begins, "I just wanted you to know how hard it was." Plus, playing both endings, Lord of the Rings style, allows for two separate "sexual tension between Batman and Catwoman" cutscenes. Anyway, after discovering all 243 easter eggs and fighting through three more grueling waves of Riddler Robots, we are finally at the end of this mission, where the Bat and the Cat share one last passionate smooch before taking Nygma on a long awaited trip back to the GCPD.

Now, that's all well and good, but if I wanted to wrap this business up as quickly as possible and greatly reduce the Riddler's influence on this game, here's how I would have cut it. Everything in Episode 4 continues until about 25:30, after Batman and Catwoman defeat the first round of Robots. After that, Riddler would say something like, "Well, that's it, you're done! Feel free to head on outside..." Then we can cut to the audio from Episode 14 at 9:03, completely removing the references to the exploding collar and further challenges. Then we'd continue all the way through the introduction of the Riddler Mech until 11:15, the end of the first wave in Batman and Catwoman's dual-team combat. Cut from there to 17:35, once it's already reestablished that Batman and Catwoman are working together against the Mech, then all the way through the end of the mission. Although in this case, you'd probably want to use the less emotional ending at 11:45 instead of the extra-brooding, "Batman's last night" scene at 19:03...

I did the math and making these trims would cut out a whopping 27 minutes and 47 seconds, or almost an entire episode's worth of content. But while this change would definitely streamline the storytelling aspect, it would also for sure take something away from the "OCDelightful" completionist nature of the Riddler's role in the Arkham Universe. But at least I know I have this other configuration as an option in case a prospective network refuses to order more than 14 episodes for a high-budget limited series such as this one would be. In any event, the next blog recap I write will be for my favorite of all the episodes: the half-hour chunk that would constitute the finale no matter how many episodes are in play.

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let’s Play #13 - Jim Gordon

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let's Play Archive!

UPDATE: While the video has been updated, none of the commentary below (from 2016) has! Please consider this a re-post!

I had all but given up on these Arkham Knight blog recaps right before the MLB All-Star Break, because this site is supposed to be Thoughts about BASEBALL and Batman, and cutting these episodes of Batman has taken up most of the previous year. So let's pick it right up at the beginning of Episode 13, which recaps the dramatic victory in the boss fight against the Arkham Knight himself, in which the title villain is revealed to be the not-dead Jason Todd. This reveal all but completes my hypothetical Arkham Knight movie casting, negating the smokescreen I threw up in Episode 8 positing Norman Reedus  as a battered and tortured Jason Todd. I would still love to see the Walking Dead star in the Arkham Universe, but as the underused villain Deathstroke, maybe in an Arkham Origins spinoff "special event" TV movie. No, I still think my top choice for the role is Chris Pratt, to see how he handles Jason Todd's character arc that goes from babyface (in pro-wrestling terms), to heel, then back to face - albeit with his face covered by a red helmet.

Jason Todd completes his turn when Batman uses his Persuasion skill to convince his former ally to give up his quest for vengeance. But no sooner do we radio Alfred to deliver the news about "Master Todd," the former Robin does a very Batman-esque move and disappears while our head is turned. But before we have some time with the title character of this episode, I'd like to say a word about using the character Bane's musical theme from The Dark Knight Rises (called "Gotham's Reckoning") while the Joker talks about the Arkham Knight. When you think about it, the character of the Arkham Knight has similar goals as Christopher Nolan's version of Bane (which is markedly unlike any other version of that character I've ever seen, but that's a story for another time). They both cover their faces and disguise their voices, but more importantly, they're both portrayed as military commanders who have the means and the motive to take over Gotham. I think it's more compelling to watch the Arkham Knight take on this endeavor, freeing up Bane to play his usual hulked-up brute role like in Arkham Asylum. The 5/4 rhythm of Hans Zimmer's track also just happens to perfectly lead into the 7/8 time signature of Nick Arundel's track "Founders' Island."

Here's what Chris Pratt would look like as Arkham Knight/Jason Todd

Jim Gordon earns the title character honor, even though he only appears in the first act of Episode 13, because he gets some early character development. Such as acknowledging both the fear-toxin induced suicide of his daughter, and the fact that he now knows the secret identity of the caped crusader to be someone the Commissioner knew since he was very young and who he had influenced heavily. But that's not the even the most emotional reveal of the episode, as Scarecrow shows us that not only is Barbara Gordon, a.k.a. Oracle, still alive, but her father knew about it, in order to be used as bait to lure Batman into the Arkham Knight's HQ!

I found this plot twist equal parts relieving and predictable, especially after just wrapping up a storyline in which one presumed-dead sidekick returns from the imagined grave. But whether we could see this coming or not, it's a bad spot for Commissioner Gordon to be in, forcing him to make the choice between betraying one of his oldest allies or watching his daughter get killed (for real this toime) by an evil supervillain. Turns out Jim gets both, as he turns and delivers a sucker-punch-type shot with his police-issued revolver, right in the center of Batman's chestplate, knocking him from the roof, only to have Scarecrow wheel Barbara right over the same edge anyway! Luckily, as we recall from last episode, that's the strongest part of Batman's armor, meaning that our hero probably only had to deal with a bad contusion and a couple of cracked ribs as he bravely leapt to Oracle's rescue, using his cape to glide them safely to the ground, much like how the Dark Knight rescues Rachel Dawes in the film bearing that name.

However not even the strongest titanium tri-weave could protect Batman from the army of tanks that just rolled up to the party, making it necessary for the game to throw (get this) A SPARE BATMOBILE at you in order to satiate its lust for cramming a critical mass of these stupid tank battles into this game. Honestly, if I were adapting Arkham Knight for the screen, I would completely rewrite this sequence the following way (new additions in yellow highlights):

[Oracle looks up to see the transport helicopter carrying away Gordon and Scarecrow.]

ORACLE
There! Where are they taking him?

[But before they can surmise anything, a barrage of tanks enters and attacks our heroes.]

{! NEW PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: Protect Oracle}

ORACLE
Where's the Batmobile?

BATMAN
Destroyed.

ORACLE
What?!

Alfred
Don't worry, sir. Batwing's on its way.

[Batman's impressive jet swoops in with an enormous roar, Alfred in remote control. The squadron of tanks stops firing, then slowly/nervously turn their guns to face the aircraft, hovering in place thanks to Harrier-style retro rockets. We see from a POV of the plane, every single tank getting targeted by the computer, which then lets loose one giant missile barrage to take care of them all.]

MILITIA COMMANDER
Drone unit in Otisburg destroyed!

[The jet softly touches down on extendable landing struts in the middle of the wreckage. A compartment opens in the lower fuselage, lowering two back-to-back seats to the ground. Batman picks up Oracle and walks towards their transportation.]

ORACLE
Scarecrow's going to kill him, isn't he?

BATMAN
Now while he can use him to get to me.

JOKER
Oh, how chivalrous! Remember the time you carried me like that? I don't, because I was dead.

BATMAN
Strap yourself in. We're following that helicopter!

[Batman places Oracle in the co-pilot's seat, then leaps into his own seat as the apparatus retracts and the plane lifts off. But just then, a message from Scarecrow comes on the computer screen.]

SCARECROW
Gallant police force of Gotham. I have a message for you. You are not safe. You are not protected. Batman will not save you.

[Video feed shows more tanks than ever before converging on the GCPD building.]

ORACLE
We've got to get over there, Batman!

BATMAN
No, we have to rescue your father... 

ORACLE
He wouldn't want us going after him if it means letting his fellow officers die! Plus, my dad can take care of himself.

[Batman takes one last look at the helicopter, then sets his course for the Cauldron.

{! NEW PRIMARY OBJECTIVE: Stop the assault on GCPD}

[Batman and Oracle do several fly-by strikes, contending with not just regular tanks, but also heat-seeking Mambas, flying Dragons and Serpents, and even a pair of long-range missile launchers that serve as the perfect boss fight against a flying player. After they save the day, Batman sets Oracle up at the precinct to try and locate Commissioner Gordon, but then he gets a buzz from the Riddler, forcing him to focus on the Riddler's Revenge side mission...]


See, this change in the content would replace one of the most over-used and least interesting parts of the gameplay with something new and different - I'm thinking along the lines of StarFox 64, except with the Batwing instead of an Arwing in All-Range Mode. This would also mean that we would have to either move the Batmobile race Riddler Challenges up in the timeline, or replace/eliminate them altogether, which wouldn't be a disaster, because there's still plenty of opportunity to explore the Batman/Riddler/Catwoman dynamic even without them, as you'll see in the next episode.

MLB Trade Deadline 2016 Roster

Another wild MLB non-waiver trade deadline is now in the books, before which more than 150 players changed teams via trade over the first four months of the 2016 season. As a way to sum up all this player movement, I've constructed a 25-man roster made up of the best such players (according to my preferred fantasy point system). Without further ado, here's an extensive chart with a glut of information, some of it useful, some of it interesting, but all of it expressing my Rain Man-esque fascination with color-coded lists. I'll post the chart first and then follow up with some commentary later!

First I'd like to say a few words about the color-coding. Normally on my patented baseball charts, the names of players who changed teams midseason would be highlighted in an aqua/cyan color. I left that part out here, since this list contains ONLY such players, but I did keep the yellow highlights to signify players who changed teams over the offseason. The two players who have red highlights in their Bat/Throw column are currently on the disabled list, which is why I included an additional starting pitcher and bench bat as fill-ins. (More about them later, when we go over lineup construction.) The contract status column is pretty self-explanatory: red for impending free agents, green for players who have an option on their contract for next year (either of the club, player, mutual, or vesting varieties), and blue for players who have an upcoming arbitration year. And if you click on the chart, you'll be able to see the whole thing, including a different color for each of the 12 Astrological signs.

And now for the roster itself, let's go position by position, because I don't want to put too much weight on my projected batting order. Both catchers on this roster have the distinction of being acquired by the Rangers when both their projected starter and backup options went down due to injuries. Bobby Wilson had played the most games behind the plate for Texas heading into deadline day (after Texas traded for him for the second time in two years), but he was unceremoniously cut from the roster upon the acquisition of Jonathan Lucroy from Milwaukee, one of the season's most sought-after players. Indeed, the Brewers had an arrangement in place to send Lucroy to the Indians, but the veteran backstop used his limited no-trade protection to block the deal, apparently demanding a promise that Cleveland would decline his ridiculously team-friendly contract option for the 2017 season, allowing him to hit free agency a year sooner. This was obviously a non-starter, as Lucroy's future control was one of his biggest selling points, and now Texas is set at catcher through at least next year.

Steve Pearce has played mostly first base for the Rays this season, but part of his appeal to the Orioles is his ability to (marginally) play second base and the corner outfield. But the main reason Pearce was brought back to Baltimore is his above-average bat, which is looking more like his breakout 2014 season than his disappointing 2015. Aaron Hill has played enough games at the keystone for Milwaukee to qualify as a fantasy second baseman before he was shipped to Boston in early July, where he's played exclusively at the hot corner. Hill moves off his primary position to make way for former Giants third baseman Matt Duffy, who has fallen on hard times since finishing second in last year's Rookie of the Year balloting and found himself traded to the Rays while on the disabled list. If we're staying true to injury status, Duffy's unavailability would push Hill back to third, Pearce to second, and create a spot at first base for James Loney, who was traded from San Diego's minor league system directly to the big league Mets when Lucas Duda went down at the end of May.

Breakout infielder Eduardo Nunez likely won't see much time at his natural shortstop position with his new team, since the Giants already have Brandon Crawford entrenched up the middle, but the injury and now departure of Duffy should leave third base open. Or if the Giants prefer the play of Conor Gillaspie at the hot corner, Nunez could get some reps in the outfield where he has nearly 30 career games under his belt. Speaking of the outfield, this team's is much more impressive as a whole than its infield, even given Nunez's still-AL-leading 27 steals, despite the fact that he doesn't even play in that league anymore. Jay Bruce was by far the most impressive offensive player traded at the deadline, even though his arrival in New York only seems to complicate an overcrowded corner outfield situation for the Mets, who still don't have a true center fielder. Carlos Beltran and Matt Kemp have fairly similar fantasy profiles in 2017, but they were each acquired for very different reasons: Beltran is an impending free agent brought in to bolster the lineup of a contender, while Kemp went from one rebuilding team to another in an exchange of two albatross contracts. (Interestingly enough, both pieces of this trade - Kemp and Hector Olivera - signed their contracts with the Dodgers.)

Melvin Upton Jr. hasn't technically been a center fielder this year (he only has 12 games at the position, 8 short of qualifying in fantasy), but with more than 1,100 games at center in his career, he's more than qualified. Interestingly enough, Upton Jr.'s fantasy value has all but evaporated with his trade from the Padres to the Blue Jays where he went from starting left fielder to glorified fourth outfielder. If I was being strict about 2016 positional eligibility, center field would have gone to Brandon Guyer, Cleveland's consolation prize on the offense market after missing out on Lucroy. As it stands, Josh Reddick brings a lot more upside as a fourth outfielder, both on offense and defense, plus his lefty bat offsets a very right-handed heavy lineup. Guyer might have been a better choice to supplant either Kelly Johnson or Chris Coghlan just to have someone to spell Upton in center field, but I obviously put a high value on lefty-swinging utility options.

On the pitching side of the equation, while Drew Pomeranz might have outscored Rich Hill in terms of overall fantasy points, the latter of the two has obviously been the more valuable pitcher when he's been able to take the field. Hill is obviously no Clayton Kershaw even when healthy (the Dodgers ace was averaging nearly 117 points per game when he went down in late June), but Los Angeles certainly hopes that he'll be able to fill the void until Kershaw can return. The names of pretty much all of the Rays' starting pitchers had been swirling around the rumor mill for months, so it's no surprise that Matt Moore found himself traded, especially to the contending Giants. But while it was undoubtedly correct for the Angels to take a selling posture at the deadline, Hector Santiago's trade to the Twins was a bit puzzling, considering that the lefty only has one year of team control remaining beyond 2016. I guess the Twins are about to make a strong push to contend in 2017.

After these four pitchers, the list of candidates for fifth starter (or fourth AND fifth starters, if you're considering current injury status) gets a little homogenous: the next eight not-currently-injured pitchers to change hands at the deadline have between 450 and 650 total fantasy points and between 20 and 35 points per game. While guys like Andrew Cashner (502, 29.5) or James Shields (523 points, 24.9 PPG) might have more upside, I went with Nova and Miley because there's something special about the 30 PPG threshold. Bud Norris (686, 23.7) has a leg up on the competition in terms of total points, but his PPG totals are rather uninspiring, plus he's currently on the DL. I should also mention that Lucas Harrell (299, 49.5) and Wade LeBlanc (229, 45.8) have been performing very well, but I left them out for small sample size concerns.

I haven't done the research to support this, but I would guess that the sheer volume of excellent relief pitchers moved this year rivals that of any trade deadline in recent memory. No fewer than six teams' closers changed hands at the deadline, with the field pretty evenly split as far as who will continue to play the same role for their new teams. Aroldis Chapman, Mark Melancon, and Andrew Miller were all acquired to supplant Hector Rondon, Jonathan Papelbon, and Cody Allen, respectively, while Jeremy Jeffress, Fernando Rodney, and Brad Ziegler were brought on to serve as setup depth behind Sam Dyson, A.J. Ramos, and Craig Kimbrel, also respectively. (Ziegler is currently closing games for the Red Sox, but that's only because both Kimbrel and Koji Uehara are down with injuries.) Mike Montgomery doesn't even show up on the Cubs' closer depth chart, but I thought it was important to have another lefty on the staff, especially one with the capacity to throw multiple innings. Other more traditional setup options include Jason Grilli, Joe Smith, or Tyler Clippard from the right side, and lefties Zach Duke, Felipe Rivero, Fernando Abad, or Will Smith.

Dr. Joeckel and Carlos Hyde

It's that time again: Time to come up with a clever fantasy football team name and put a corresponding picture online so that I can reference it in my fantasy league. So without further ado, I give you: Dr. Joeckel and Carlos Hyde!

Fantasy Astrology All-Star Game 2016

As you may know, we are in the midst of Baseball's annual All-Star Break, which is a perfect opportunity to analyze the players on this year's All-Star rosters. I know I haven't finished writing blog recaps for all 15 episodes of my Batman: Arkham Knight Let's Play, but I'm taking a break from that because a) it's a momentous occasion in the baseball season, and b) I just can't bear to see this Batman project come to end... So without further ado, here are the starting lineups for each league's All-Star team, complete with fantasy point totals as of the All-Star Break:

As you can see from the points column, the American League All-Stars had a much more potent offense than their National League counterparts: four (4) AL players had higher fantasy point totals than the NL's highest scorer (Kris Bryant, who was surpassed by Jose Altuve, Mike Trout, Mookie Betts, and David Ortiz). However, you can also see that the NL starting pitcher Johnny Cueto is averaging about 10 points per game higher than the best the AL could offer (Chris Sale, who was the highest scoring pitcher on the AL roster - see below for more details). This is all the more impressive from the pitching side when you consider Cueto wouldn't have come close to starting the game, were it not for injury/timing concerns surrounding Clayton Kershaw, Noah Syndergaard, Steven Strasburg, and Madison Bumgarner.

But in addition to tracking fantasy points and positional eligibility (note that this column does not necessarily follow where each player took the field in the All-Star Game itself), this chart also tracks which Fantasy Astrology team each player belongs to - which is nicely color-coded next to each player's preseason rank from MLB.com's fantasy player rater. As you can see, Libra has the lead among All-Star starters with four representatives, with Aries and Scorpio hot on its heels with three each. I'll keep a running tally of this piece of trivia as we continue into each team's reserves:

Starting with the bottom of the list, I'd like to note something to note right off the bat: Dexter Fowler and Yoenis Cespedes were voted to start by the fans, but did not play due to their injury status. (Just the latter part of that statement is true of Cardinals infielder Matt Carpenter.) In Astrology terms, this would have tied Aries and Libra with four reps apiece, as CarGo and Cespedes cancel each other out, but for the running tally, I'll keep track of everyone, including injury replacements. And after all non-starting position players are accounted for, Aries sneaks into the lead with eight (to Libra's seven, and Scorpio's six). One thing to note is the absence of a Pisces All-Star, despite the fact that the fish-related sign's team won the fantasy astrology championship last year, the first title to not go to Libra since the project's inception four years ago.

One more note about the formatting: you might notice how Matt Wieters is the only non-injured player whose name is not in bold typeface, which indicates that he would not be a current starter at his position on his astrology team (Gemini) - that honor goes to fellow All-Star reserve Jonathan Lucroy. Going back to the top, these players are arranged by their positions in the batting order in which they came into the game, so it's not a representation of numbers. If it were, Josh Donaldson would be at the top, as his point total so far has surpassed all other position players in the sport. In fact, the only players to surpass him are the aforementioned teammates Cueto and Bumgarner, and the hands down best pitcher in the game...

Clayton Kershaw, the only NL All-Star pitcher who is actually on the disabled list during the All-Star Break. As you can see, no one comes close to his 116.9 points per game tally, the only player to surpass 100 PPG so far this year, regardless of sample size. The top group of pitchers for each team are listed in the order in which they entered the All-Star Game, while the second group has a color-coded B/T column to show that they either rode the bench last night (blue) or were injured (red). You can see how the NL had a large advantage in terms of ace-caliber starters, while the AL had a larger component of shut-down relievers - very similar to the breakdown of the actual teams of the two All-Star managers Terry Collins (who leads the Mets and their enviable glut of young arms) and Ned Yost (whose Royals had a historically good bullpen run during their championship season last year).

And the final astrology tally: Aries takes the crown with a whopping 12 players represented in the 2016 All-Star festivities. Capricorn had a surprise surge to second place with 10, while Libra was stuck at nine, just one ahead of its cusp-mate Virgo. I don't know what practical purpose this fantasy astrology analysis could serve, unless it blossoms into some sort of betting community, like Draft Kings for the spiritual community. But until then I'll continue to track it because it's just one column of many on my patented 40-man roster spreadsheet project. Anything to put off writing those last few posts about Batman and putting Arkham Knight behind me forever, right?

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let’s Play #12 - Red Hood

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let's Play Archive!

UPDATE: While the video has been updated, none of the commentary below (from 2016) has! Please consider this a re-post!

It's been more than a month since I posted a blog recap to accompany an episode of my Batman: Arkham Knight Let's Play, but my schedule in recent weeks was such that I just barely had enough time to complete the series on time(ish), the entirety of which can be found here on my blog! But back to this episode: the main calling card of Episode 12 is the sheer amount of spoilers, starting possibly with the very title of the episode itself! But, then again, if you don't get the reference, then it's not technically a spoiler. And if you DO get the reference, you've probably already figured it out a while ago. Either way, here are my behind-the-scenes thoughts on the climax of the rising action of Batman: Arkham Knight.

We start this episode tracking Commissioner Gordon's police radio, which is the first time we've seen him since he stormed off and went in search of Scarecrow seven episodes ago. And while long absences of major characters are never fun, this type of storytelling actually helps the case for a live-action version of this game by making it more feasible to cast A-list actors in these supporting roles. It would probably be easier to convince someone like Bryan Cranston to take time from his busy schedule to play Jim Gordon if he was only in a handful of scenes. Casting implications aside, it's nice to see old Jimbo back in our narrative, even if it means he was somewhat predictably captured by Scarecrow.

The first act basically follows the action of the game (somewhat trimmed down, of course) as we make our way through the Arkham Knight's HQ, a multi-level underground dungeon, which requires us to attach the Batmobile's power winch to a secure point at the top and lowering the car down the side of a gigantic ventilation shaft. The comedic highlight of this episode happens during this sequence, when Joker paints a priceless picture of the Arkham Knight lamenting his defeat in the previous episode by "hanging out in some tacky dive bar, splashing glasses of cheap whiskey all over that masked face of his." Act 1 culminates with Batman crashing a briefing of some of the Arkham Knight's top soldiers, who somehow have some disturbingly accurate information about the inner workings of the Batsuit - harkening back to Episode 2 where the Arkham Knight spouts off the same information during our first in-person meeting. Where could he be getting his intel?

We actually have a chance to find out once we reach the bottom level of the dungeon, which leads into a series of maze-like tunnels, which are guarded by the Arkham Knight's largest and most obnoxious vehicle yet. This giant excavator is basically a TIE-fighter cockpit surrounded on all sides by drills/tank treads, it's bulletproof, and it can move extremely fast in any direction. If it doesn't sound fair, it's not. Especially considering that even after you successfully defeat the boss fight, the game railroads you into a situation where the Knight gets you trapped in a corner and there's no way to escape. But the disappointment in this type of game storytelling, which would normally make me as a gamer feel feel helpless and frustrated, was tempered by astonishment at the Arkham Knight's parting remark where he admits that he knows Batman's secret identity! But there's not a lot of time to process this new information, as we have to pull off an emergency eject moments before the Batmobile gets destroyed.

Luckily this course of action leads us directly underneath the room where Commissioner Gordon is being held hostage by a group of soldiers consisting almost exclusively of ninjas and medics. After we clear the room, but before we free the Commissioner from his bonds, we're confronted once again by the Arkham Knight in the flesh, who pulls a classic supervillain mistake and reveals his darkest secret right when he thinks he's won. Follow the link to find out the true identity of Batman: Arkham Knight's main antagonist...

One Shot: Dungeon of the Endless

* CHAPTER 1 *

Image Credit: Tristan Savatier

Four monks converged in a wood. One from the East, one from the West, one from the North-East, and one from the North-Kardashian-West. They all came to rest on the edge of a ruined cave, into which a flight of rough-hewn steps lead down into the earth. The one from the North-East smiled and looked at his three chance companions on the road.

"Well met Brothers I am Nitro the Flaming Monk!" he cried, as a shower of sparks flew into the air in an entertaining firework. "I see we have all set out to explore this mysterious dungeon that suddenly appeared in this forest because of recent earthquakes. And I can see from your raiments that you are also monks. And as is popular tradition among monks we should introduce ourselves and tell their story."

"Oi! I ain't never 'eard o' that tradition," bellowed the heavily tattooed and impressively bearded monk from the West. "But oi'll byte. Me name's Pipu Kaka, monk o' the aipen 'and."

The first monk frowned. "The... Ebon Hand? I thought they were mostly Clerics..."

"Nah nah nah, mayte!" Pipu corrected. "Aipen! Like... naught cloised." He placed his hand palm upward in front of him to demonstrate.

"Ah, the Way of the Open Hand!" Nitro repeated, recognizing the reference, then nodding to the man to the East. "And you sir?"

"Oh, right, heh, I'm, uh, Malvolio Penumbra," the eastern monk responded in a quick gruff tone, tipping his finely crafted top hat. "Shadow Monk, and one helluva card player too, we should play sometime, provided you can cheat better than me, which you probably can't, cuz rest assured I can cheat pretty well, yep, pretty good, pretty good at cheating well..." he then trailed off and his gaze fell on the North-Western monk.

"My name is Asato KERAI!" his hooded head gracefully snapped into a bow as he accentuated the last syllable by punching one fist into his other palm. But when he turned his fist over and opened his fingers, there was a small but bright flame in his hand. "And I start fires." For the first time, the other three Humans could see from under his hood, the slender features and pointy ears of an Elf.

"It's true, you don't see many Wood Elf monks," Asato continued, as if anticipating their first question, a habit he had picked up living in mostly Human lands. "But when you grow up in a forest and haven't yet learned to control your latent fire magic... you can run into some rather awkward situations that involve accidentally burning your village down...

"I was cast out of Elven society and branded a criminal," Asato still continued, his thick Elvish accent masked by the incursion of a foreign influence. "So I had to live on the streets until I was found by the monks of KERAI!" He snapped into the same bow as before. "Who taught me how to harness my gifts and become powerful elemental warrior."

"Well met I say again!" summed up Nitro. "Now shall we enter the cave and see what adventures await us?"

===

* CHAPTER 2 *

"Well, I guess we know what happened to all the adventurers who answered this challenge before us," Malvolio muttered as they reached the bottom of the stairs, and the four monks immediately got to work. "Something musta did a number on them but good..."

The first room was absolutely littered with the results of much carnage: broken swords, cracked and dented suits of armor, crushed bones of every kind. All cluttered around a large brasier full of, what appeared to the two pyromaniacs in the room as, lamp oil. On the far wall was a large stone door with no hinge or handle of any kind, save for a large hole about three feet wide and about head-high off the wall. Asato was poking around inside the hole with his thieves' tools, Pipu was examining the stability of the brasier, while Nitro was rummaging around the discarded items. He picked up one, a back-scratcher of particular ornate design, flourished it to an imaginary crowd, launched a pleasant shower of sparks, and placed it triumphantly in his pack.

"This hole could very well be some kind of lock," offered Asato, climbing down to the floor. "But it needs a very complex key."

"Oi! I think we should knock ovah this oil!" Pipu shouted, as he hurled his full weight into the brasier, which only succeeded in splashing some on the ground.

"Or... light it on fire?" offered Nitro with another flash of his signature firework.

"Leave that to me," Asato flashed a winning smile to go along with the flame that appeared in his hand. He measured 30 feet from the brasier. "I suggest we all stand back..." With the action of playfully blowing a kiss from one's hand, the flame fluttered from Asato's palm and settled neatly into the center of the brasier, which immediately burst aflame. Malvolio quickly ran as far away from the light as he could manage and seemed to slink completely out of sight.

"WHO DARES ENTER THE DUNGEON OF THE ENDLESS!?!?" boomed a voice from everywhere at once in the chamber. The ground and the walls rumbled as a fearsome giant stone humanoid figure at least ten feet tall rose out of the rubble and brandished a club menacingly. The three visible monks were caught stunned and silent.

"He does..." came Malvolio's voice from the shadows behind Pipu, followed briefly by his body, which quickly disappeared again.

"Uh, yeah, I do!" cried Pipu, slinging his quarterstaff from his back, which made a strange eerie whistling noise as he did so. "Tis I, Pipu Kaka o' the aipen 'and! And oi'll PUNCH YA BLOODY FAICE OFF!" He leaped into battle with a flying fist almost as frightening as his war cry, joined closely by Nitro who aimed a savage kick at the giant's right leg.

Asato's eyes were drawn to the fire, but in a display of self control, he decided to stand back from the melee and rely on his Elven heritage. Pulling out an elegant longbow, he knocked an arrow with impressive skill and let loose a shot directly at his enemy's eye. But to the Elf's dismay, the stone figure reacted with blinding agility - shifting his club into his other hand, it grabbed the arrow out of midair, then in a single sweeping motion, loaded it into a crossbow that Asato had just noticed was mounted to his other wrist, and let fly back at his attacker.

Asato felt like he was looking in a big stone mirror, as he barely had time to deflect the arrow from his vital organs, preventing it from causing too much damage as it landed in the flesh just below his right shoulder. "I guess that's it for ranged attacks," he muttered and grimaced as he broke off the shaft of the arrow, just in time to see Pipu become the target of two massive club strikes.

But as the stone figure let out a mechanical hum/roar and tried to advance, it wandered out of the light from the burning brasier. No sooner did its leg reach the shadows, then he was staggered by a thunderous blow from a fine walking quarterstaff to the shin, belonging to Malvolio who just that moment appeared from his hiding place in the shadows. He got right in close for an elbow strike against the kneecap when something caught his eye.

"Hey, you know guys, uh," Malvolio chuckled, "I'm not much of a peeping tom, but I think there's something up this guy's stone tunic that looks like it might fit in that door over there..."

"Why I believe Malvolio is right," offered Nitro, who had a good view from where he was hard at work on the giant's other leg. "It looks like the giant's dick is the key."

"Wait a second," rejoined Malvolio. "His dick is the Ki? I have six Ki Points, but I still couldn't get that door open..."

"No, the KEY to open the DOOR..." tried Nitro once again, but he was interrupted by another savage attack from Pipu.

"Well then what ah we waitin' foah!?" shouted Pipu as he wiped the blood from his chin. "Let's PUNCH 'EEM 'EEN THE DEEK!"

Pipu's first strike was an uppercut, which did in fact cause the conical key between the giant's legs to go crashing upwards. Pipu's next move was a spinning leg sweep to the rear ankle that sent the giant towards being sprawled on its back. But rather than let the monster fall prone, Pipu leapt into the air and aimed a shoulder charge into its back, sending it headlong towards the door on the other end of the chamber, where the three-foot hole was just about waist-high for the giant... Upon impact there was a loud thud, a satisfying click, a mechanical whirring, and a grinding of stone as the door started to slide open, giant still attached to one side, hum/roaring angrily and swinging its club wildly.

"It's time to finish this stone monstrosity!" proclaimed Asato, taking hold of his bow as if it were a giant mallet used for a percussion instrument. "Prepare to hear the Gong of the Summit!"

Asato swung his bow in midair and at the point where it would have connected with an imaginary gong, instead a painfully loud noise emanated from a point just next to the stone giant's face. The figure stiffened, cracked, then exploded into a thousand tiny pebbles, which clattered to the floor, just as the door finished sliding into place.

"Excellently done, brothers!" congratulated Nitro. "I propose we take some time to meditate on our victory!"

===

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let's Play #11 - Nightwing

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let's Play Archive!

UPDATE: While the video has been updated, none of the commentary below (from 2016) has! Please consider this a re-post!

We ended the last episode by handily destroying a squadron of attack drones in Divinity Churchyard, but then almost immediately being destroyed by a group of Cobra tanks on Bleake Island. But I guess we can chalk up that embarrassing defeat to the lingering effects of Scarecrow's fear toxin pumping through my system, because we're back in the saddle with another chance to take out the Arkham Knight's Cloudburst tank in this episode.

As much as I ranted about the many problems with the Batmobile battle mode sequences in last episode's recap, I do appreciate how the slower and quieter Cobra challenges allow a good opportunity for some dialogue to explore the relationship between villains. For example, it's apparent that Scarecrow has a very businesslike approach to his plan, while the Arkham Knight appears to take things very personal. In fact, if it weren't for the Knight's bravado and desire to face off against Batman, there's no way we would be able to get close enough to eventually destroy the Cloudburst. But as it happens, we're able to withstand the relentless assault of a tank that's stronger than the Batmobile in every way and emerge victorious, pulling the Arkham Knight out of the twisted burning wreckage just in time.

But just when it appears that we'll finally have some face time with the game's eponymous villain (i.e. punch his lights out), the Arkham Knight's masked face suddenly morphs into that of the Joker, which is a direct copy of what happens in Arkham City after defeating Mr. Freeze. Not only is it unoriginal, but it's a totally unsatisfying ending to an extremely challenging boss fight. At least that's how it felt while playing it. Maybe it was more fun to watch in a purely cinematic atmosphere where I was able to cut around a lot of the slow and frustrating parts.

LEFT: Mr. Freeze, Arkham City / RIGHT: Arkham Knight, Arkham Knight

Anyway, with the Cloudburst gone, Poison Ivy should be able to use her three giant plants to neutralize the remaining fear toxin in the atmosphere. But upon returning to her base of operations in the Botanical Gardens, we find that the toxin has already severely weakened both the plants and Ivy herself. With one final heroic gesture, Ivy shares her life energy with her plants, giving them the power to absorb the toxin and save the city. However, clearing the toxin took every ounce of vitality she had left, and after her task is done, Poison Ivy dissipates into a cloud of pollen and floats through the city she once terrorized, a symbol of her ultimate selfless sacrifice. Although in this version of the story, Poison Ivy is technically a human/plant hybrid, so part of me wonders if her genetic material somehow survived in seed form, waiting to be replanted in the right soil, so to speak.

With the toxin gone and no concrete leads to Scarecrow, Alfred has the bright idea to check some side missions off my list. And since Nightwing was convinced that Penguin must have had several more weapons caches hidden throughout the city, I made Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot my next target. Nightwing had in fact located another truck, which led us to another hideout, but upon jumping into the fray, we suspiciously don't receive any help from Dick Grayson like we did the first time. And then after destroying the cache itself, we're greeted by a video message of Penguin threatening a captive Nightwing! This is not a good night for my allies: first Oracle, then Robin, then Lucius, and now Nightwing have found themselves in the clutches of nefarious villains at one point or another throughout this story.

The ensuing rescue mission of Nightwing has some of the best banter in the game, where Dick Grayson cockily taunts his captors while they administer a beating. Or, as Nightwing infuriatingly puts it: "Oh, so this is a beating? I wish you would've said something. Do you guys want me to act like I'm hurt?" It's this lighthearted attitude that made the lighthearted Dick Grayson the perfect match to pair with the somber Bruce Wayne back when they were Batman and Robin together. And the smattering of comic relief he provides is one of the reasons I would love to see Bradley Cooper play this role in a live action version of Batman: Arkham Knight.

Once Batman finally rescues Nightwing, it's a pretty straightforward task for the two of them to team up and clear the room of henchmen, but it's what happens after the dual-team combat that really puts the exclamation point on this side mission. Penguin himself somehow manages to get the drop on Nightwing while Batman was priming the weapons cache to explode, and now Batman has to watch as yet another one of his allies is held at gunpoint! But Dick Grayson is a trained crimefighter in his own right and isn't so easily bested: with a well-placed elbow to the Penguin's ample gut, the former Robin knocks the diminutive crime boss off balance, then flips him to Batman for a tag team power bomb! Even though this part of the aforementioned live action movie would have to be performed by a stunt player, I would still love to see the incomparable Stuart Pankin portray the Penguin for all the dialogue-centric scenes.

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let's Play #10 - Poison Ivy

Batman: Arkham Knight, Let's Play Archive!

UPDATE: While the video has been updated, none of the commentary below (from 2016) has! Please consider this a re-post!

In the end of the last episode, we used the newly acquired sonar attachment for the Batmobile to locate and free the long-buried roots of one of Gotham's oldest plants on Miagani Island, so that Poison Ivy could use it to help manufacture her anti-fear toxin spore. However, because giant plants erupting out of the ground tend to attract a lot of attention, the Arkham Knight immediately dispatched a squad of rocket launcher-wielding militia soldiers onto a nearby rooftop to bring it down. We pick things up in this episode with Batman making short work of these glorified henchmen.

But the Arkham Knight's assault didn't end there: the next stage involves an army of 25 drone tanks (Rattlers, Twin Rattlers, and Diamondbacks) trying to attack the other plant at the Botanical Gardens, only this time Poison Ivy's ready to fight back. Now, in case you were thinking that adding the ability for Ivy to destroy the odd tank here and there with her plant roots in any way redeems the frustratingly repetitive monotony of these Batmobile tank battles, it doesn't. It might not seem too bad to viewers of this video series, because this is the first full fledged tank battle I've shown you guys since Episode 5, but keep in mind there are at least five big ones that I didn't show you. And that's not even counting the near endless supply of optional tank battle side missions that I had to slog through in order to get the precious XP that allows me to get all those cool gadget upgrades. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of including the Batmobile in this game, but the sheer volume of the tank gameplay left a bad taste in my mouth.

And as if the regular drone tanks weren't bad enough, after we're done with this challenge, we immediately have to face a squadron of much larger and tougher Cobra tanks. These are too well armed and well armored to attack head-on, so you have to sneak around them from behind and use an X-Wing-style targeting computer to hit it with a precision strike right in the exhaust port. Basically, if drone tank battles are to the Batmobile as Combat challenges are to Batman, then Cobra challenges are the Batmobile equivalent of Predator challenges. What I find the most frustrating and illogical about this whole situation is that if there were just one or two of these Cobra tanks included in the swarm of regular drones from before, it would be basically impossible for the Batmobile to defeat them both together. It seems like a blatant excuse to shoehorn some variety into the gameplay while completely ignoring the logic of the game's world.

But the game's world is about to befall much worse than some nonsensical tank deployment strategies, because Scarecrow is finally ready to launch his long-awaited fear toxin attack! Using the Cloudburst, a chemical weapon dispersal device developed by Stagg Enterprises, Scarecrow is able to engulf the entire city in a cloud of gas that causes anyone exposed to completely lose it. Fans of Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy might notice some similarities between this part of the game and the climactic sequence in Batman Begins where Scarecrow uses a similar device to vaporize Gotham's fear toxin-infected water supply, causing mass hysteria throughout the city. The difference here is that the Cloudburst also fried the Batmobile's power cell, meaning we'll have to find a way to fix the car before we can destroy the device.

But skipping back a bit, at the moment when Scarecrow detonated the Cloudburst, we were checking on Poison Ivy after the drone tank assault on her plant at the Botanical Gardens, which is the only scene in the episode named after Poison Ivy where we actually see her in person. So this is as good a chance as any to make a casting suggestion for who I would like to see play the role in a major motion picture adaptation of the game: Lena Headey. I must admit, I'm not familiar with much of Headey's work outside of Game of Thrones, but her extremely compelling performance as Cersei Lannister exhibits many of the attributes associated with Pamela Isley: a mix of cunning, charm, ruthlessness, and strength of convictions. Plus, she wouldn't even need to cover up her arm tattoos!

After a fairly uneventful trip back to Simon Stagg's airships (including a Legend of Zelda reference when Batman finds the means to repair the Batmobile) and a journey underground (including a fairly hilarious goof on my part when Batman attempts a daring stunt jump in the Batmobile), we're faced with our biggest tank battle yet, again with the goal of defending another one of Ivy's plants. We all know how I feel about these tank battles at this point, but I hopefully made this one more fun (or at least tolerable) to watch by drawing some comparisons to another one of my favorite video games: F-Zero X. What first got me thinking about the futuristic racing game for the N64 was how the tank battle music track in Arkham Knight sounded a lot like the Port Town music from F-Zero X. But then I had the epiphany that the voice modulator used by the Arkham Knight makes his voice sound pretty much exactly like the synthesized announcer's voice in F-Zero X! I haven't been able to look at either game the same way since making this discovery.