The Hobbit: An Unexpected Trilogy

I don't think this math is right...

I experienced something of a first this weekend after seeing The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey: I was accused of not being a Lord of the Rings fanboy. Needless to say, this description wounded me to the quick, and I don't think it's fair to question my nerdly resolve just because I thought that the first third of the film adaptation of the tale was painfully long and stuffed with far too much meaningless filler. (Also that the high frame rate was a pointless, inexcusable gimmick that has no reason to ever catch on ever.) And even though I loved Peter Jackson's first Lord of the Rings movies, I loved J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings novels even more. So while I would still consider myself a fanboy, I would have to qualify that by saying I'm a fanboy with extremely high standards and who's fiercely dedicated to the source material.

And while there was undoubtedly a whole lot of source material packed into this newest film, there was also a lot of superfluous action added in there that slowed down the story and pulled me (at least) out of the experience. When I first heard that The Hobbit was being split into three movies - a book which, at 255 pages, is 65 pages shorter than the shortest book in the trilogy (without the appendices, Return of the King clocks in at 311) - I didn't immediately despair. With some interesting additions from some ancillary works and a nice, fast pace, I could definitely see Jackson & Co. coming up with three enjoyable movies. That is, until I heard the running time: a butt-numbing 2 hours and 48 minutes. It was at that point that I knew we were in for no shortage of Fran Walsh and Philippa Boyens-inspired extras.

One of the few scenes that actually took place in the book...

You'll recognize these types of tacked-on time-wasting story points from the first trilogy: stuff like adding in a red-herring death for Aragorn in The Two Towers. Or completely altering Faramir's character to make him exactly like Boromir. Or having Frodo and Sam get in a friendship-threatening fight for no apparent reason at a critical point in Return of the King (as if that movie wasn't long enough already). And what's up with Elrond showing up at Dunharrow to deliver Aragorn's sword to him - a sword that defines his character and which he should have had at his side since the Fellowship left Rivendell? You'd think 1,086 pages would be enough out of which to adapt three three-hour movies without adding useless filler.

But you know these Hollywood types: always having to change stuff around and add their own stamp on things, otherwise they don't feel like they're doing their jobs. And the job that Jackson and his screenwriting team did on The Hobbit gets you yawning right from the start. I remembered thinking how much I couldn't wait until all three Hobbit movies come out on DVD, so that some clever, enterprising Tolkien nerd with film editing experience could put together a fan-edit of the trilogy, ideally clocking in at just under three hours for all three movies combined, with all the treacle cut out and the story arranged in a way that could actually hold an audience's attention.

First on my list to cut would be anything involving Saruman, Radagast, and the White Council. If you need material to pad nine hours' worth of movies, the story from the appendix dealing with the Necromancer in Dol Guldur is a good place to look, but a) there's no reason to make nine hours' worth of Hobbit movies, and b) according to said appendix, that storyline took place a full 91 years before the events of The Hobbit, with Gandalf the protagonist instead of Radagast. (How do you think he acquired the key that he gives to Thorin? He took it from his father, Thrain, who was imprisoned in Dol Guldur.) And don't get me wrong, I like Radagast as a character... for all of the three pages of Fellowship in which he appears. I just didn't like the comic relief gimmick with bird shit in his beard that he became for the movie. And I know that Christopher Lee is the biggest Tolkien nerd of the entire cast, the only member of which to actually meet J.R.R. himself, but it honestly looks as if it's time for him to hang up his staff and fake-ass looking beard. I don't think he's got much left in the tank (which would be understandable at 90 years old) since he looked absolutely miserable in his scene.

"Radagast the Brown. Radagast the bird-tamer. Radagast the simple.
Radagast the fool." - Saruman's description of the character in Fellowship.

Notice how my list of things to cut didn't start with the trudging prologue introducing the plight of the Dwarven city Erebor, which feels like it takes up an hour before the real action even starts. In fact if I had my choice, I would keep some of those images, but I'd move them to a little later on. The movie would start where the book starts, with Bilbo's narration explaining what Hobbit life is like. (This means we'd have to cut Elijah Wood's cameo as Frodo, because why the hell would Bilbo need to explain the inner workings of a Hobbit hole to someone who spent his whole damn life living in one?) No, I would intercut the visuals of the prologue with the Dwarves' song they sing by the fireplace. (Howard Shore's haunting melody, incidentally, and the leitmotif it becomes, is still in my head, three days later.) That song has a full ten verses in the book, only two of which appear in the movie. If that sequence was extended a little bit and beefed up visually, kind of like an epic music video, it would set up the Dwarves while also giving us some more nice music.

I would have also liked to see the elimination of Azog the Defiler except in flashbacks (his character, after all, died more than 150 years before The Hobbit took place), the stone giants (although they did appear in the book, for about a sentence's worth of time), and about three feet off the Goblin King's scrotum-chin (maybe it was just the high frame rate, but I swear I could discern at least one testicle floating around in there). But with two more of these epic mistakes coming down the pipeline, it's silly to agonize over each one. So until we finally get to see that fan-edit, I will do what I always do with a piece of entertainment I desperately wanted to like more than I actually did: I'll accept the good parts, and mentally replace the bad parts with what I would have liked to see. This doesn't always provide me with a crystal-clear view of the actual movie, but I sure do leave the theater feeling a lot happier...

NL Central Divisional All-Stars 2012

Now for the final division before we get into the Wild Cards. This is the division that brought you the MLB's two worst teams in 2012, but also the NL's highest overall point scorer. Let's see if this team displays the same level of disconnect. I bring you:

NL CENTRAL DIVISIONAL ALL-STARS

The aforementioned NL high-scorer is the only player to appear on all four of my Divisional All-Star lists is the steroid-popping, guilt-sidestepping, former MVP and 2012 league leader in runs scored, HR, and OPS, Brewers slugging LF Ryan Braun. Now, Aramis Ramirez is no slouch - he led the league with 50 doubles and had an OPS over .900 while hitting behind Braun in the regular season, plus he earned the NL Central starting 3B job last year too while with the Cubs - it's just that he doesn't strike the same kind of fear into opposing pitchers that Prince Fielder did when he hit clean-up for Milwaukee in the recent past. It's interesting though that with Fielder and Albert Pujols signing huge contracts to move to the AL and with Joey Votto injured, a Brewer still ended up as the starting 1B on this team: Corey Hart turned in a fine season after shifting from RF (where he repped Milwaukee on the 2010 AL Central team). Andrew McCutchen continued his steady rise to superstardom with a trifecta of accolades: a Gold Glove, a Silver Slugger, and his second consecutive All-Star berth - he even came in third in MVP voting, despite his Pirates' inability to log their first winning season in a decade. Starlin Castro, like McCutchen, has appeared on this team for the past three years, was named to his second All-Star team in 2012, and played for a losing team.

Two pairs of teammates from one of the league's biggest rivalries (and with 11 Divisional All-Star appearances between them) round out this squad: Yadier Molina had by far his best season ever, earning his fifth consecutive Gold Glove, his fourth consecutive All-Star appearance, and surpassing his previous career-high in OPS by 60 points. Matt Holliday obviously played second-fiddle to Braun, but makes it in as the DH. It's interesting to note that Holliday's first appearance in this feature in 2009 was for the AL West, as he spent the majority of his season in Oakland. Brandon Phillips reprises his leadoff role for this squad from last year despite nearly 200 fewer points. Jay Bruce is the only one from this paragraph with less than three appearances, and last year's was as the Wild Card's DH - hey, can you blame him for playing a deep position in a tough division?

Top free agent starter Zack Greinke's inclusion in this division (he had a 123 to 89 IP split between the Brewers and the Angels after a mid-season trade) makes this team one of only two clubs to feature four 2,000+ point-scorers in the rotation. (The other, as you'd know if you were paying attention last week, was the AL East.) But at the top of the rotation, we once again see the Reds/Cardinals rivalry manifesting itself. Leading the pack is my fantasy team's ace Johnny Cueto - whose pick in the 14th round ALMOST made up for Cliff Lee's no-win-itis. Another free agent (and, in my opinion, a huge candidate to see a drop-off in production) Kyle Lohse (of the ridiculous 18-3, .847 winning percentage) was not far behind. A couple newcomers to the division round out the rotation: Mat Latos overcame a slow start after coming from the Padres in a big trade to contribute to Cincinnati's dominant pitching attack, and A.J. Burnett returned to form upon leaving the Yankees and became the Pirates' unlikely ace.

The three Reds in this group proves that Cincinnati's pitching attack came at both ends of the game. Aroldis Chapman had one of the most dominant seasons out of the bullpen ever - his last for the foreseeable future, since he is likely to move to the rotation next year. Lefty Sean Marshall is the only reliever to have appeared on a previous Divisional All-Star team, and he's appeared on all of them - the last two years as a setup man and the year before that as a swingman for the Cubs. Mitchell Boggs will likely continue setting up closer runner-up Jason Motte in St. Louis and Jose Arredondo used to pitch for the Angels, but as for the other two, I couldn't have named them prior to (heck, even halfway through) this season. Brad Lincoln still qualifies for the NL Central despite having been shipped to Toronto for a former #6 ranked prospect by Baseball America - which seems kind of unbalanced (even if the ranking was from three years ago), but I guess when you need bullpen help, you need it bad and quick.


This concludes the six Divisional All-Star squads corresponding to MLB's six divisions. Before coming back with the Wild Card teams, I've got a little project that I've been waiting to unveil, which will likely take precedence over the weekend. Until then, keep watching that Hot Stove to make sure your pots and pans full of rumors don't boil over!

AL East Divisional All-Stars 2012

The polar opposite of yesterday's team in terms of division and league (but not talent level), I now bring you the:

AL EAST DIVISIONAL ALL-STARS

This lineup consists of three Yankee infielders who each have appeared on three out of the last four Divisional All-Star teams. Two of them will likely not return next year. Let's see if you can guess who. 38-year-old Derek Jeter showed no signs of slowing down last year, leading the league in plate appearances and hits, and winning his fifth Silver Slugger award... until he broke his ankle during the post-season, putting his opening day status in doubt. 29-year-old Robinson Cano is not so arguably the top 2B in the game, he reached the 30 HR plateau for the first time this year en route to his fourth Silver Slugger and second Gold Glove. 36-year-old Alex Rodriguez hasn't played 140 games in five years, he's only on this list because his injury-riddled 2012 season was less catastrophic than Evan Longoria's injury-riddled 2012 season, and he's about to miss the first half of 2013 with hip surgery. There might have been a fourth Yankee on this list: IF I had chosen to use only the points players scored in their respective division, THEN Mark Teixeira's 1,576 points would have ruled the day. But I chose to include the full season of now four-time Divisional All-Star Adrian Gonzalez - he moved back to his old division mid-2012 in the most epic waiver-wire blockbuster trade in history.

Blue Jays DH Edwin Encarnacion edged Cano by a mere 12 points to be the team's highest offensive scorer. Think of what Toronto's offense could have looked like if Jose Bautista's injuries hadn't made a mockery of my #1 pick in this year's fantasy draft. Taking his place in RF is the ever-versatile Ben Zobrist who this year added his original position (SS) back to his usual 2B-RF repertoire. His teammate Desmond Jennings becomes perhaps the least-qualified Divisional All-Star, but I just couldn't bring myself to move Curtis Granderson over to a position where he didn't play a single inning in 2012. He missed out in CF to the Orioles' $85 million dollar man Adam Jones who, along with Matt Wieters, looks to lead a competitive birds team for the rest of the decade.

Any starting rotation led by the Cy Young award winner is sure to be exciting, even though Justin Verlander had a slightly more impressive fantasy season. The fact that all five of these pitchers come from only two teams makes it somewhat less exciting, although David Price's fellow Ray James Shields could very well find himself changing uniforms before the off-season is over. The combination of Sabathia, Kuroda, and Hughes (who each tallied at least 15 wins for the Yankees last year) will be back together next year, although the star of New York's 2013 rotation just might be 41-year-old Andy Pettitte, whose 2.87 ERA in 12 games after his 17th comeback from retirement prompted him to re-up with the club that made him a star.

Where the rotation was comprised solely of Rays and Yankees, the bullpen has only Rays and Orioles. Comeback player of the year Fernando Rodney turned in the best year out of any reliever in 2012 - an ERA under 1.00 will best even a 105 mph fastball from a tumbling Cuban superstar. Relief stalwart Darren O'Day makes his third appearance after showing up two years in a row with Texas, but no other pitcher in this group has made a Divisional All-Star team before. The Rays have such a glut at starting pitching that they were able to let Wade Davis try his hand at relieving, which worked out quite well. Jake McGee fills that ever-important lefty role in the first season he's spent entirely in the majors. Carlos Villanueva reprises his role as swingman - a role I clearly don't count as part of the bullpen proper, since he pitched for the Blue Jays and showed up on this team last year.

NL West Divisional All-Stars 2012

With the Winter Meetings in full swing, some big changes to the Free Agency landscape have already occurred, some of them affecting this very team! With that in mind, let's change leagues but stay in the same geographical location as last time, to give you the division that brought you this year's World Series Champions:

NL WEST DIVISIONAL ALL-STARS

The World Champion San Francisco Giants are well-represented in all parts of the lineup: Angel Pagan, the erstwhile free agent who just re-upped with his former team in one of the above-mentioned transactions, leads off as he did for the 2010 NL Wild Card team while representing the Mets. Buster Posey bats third after winning the NL MVP, Silver Slugger, and batting title in a crucial year following a brutal leg injury. And Marco Scutaro serves as the team's DH after being both traded and acquired by teams in the NL West. (Usually when a good player changes team's midseason, I have to choose one division, based on where he played more or scored more fantasy points, whichever is more advantageous. It's a slightly questionable practice, but luckily in this situation there was no choice to be made.) The team's highest offensive scorer, breakout 3B Chase Headley, earned some hardware of his own (a Silver Slugger and Gold Glove) while becoming the first Padre to start on the NL West team since Adrian Gonzalez left the division after the 2010 season. Also from San Diego is surprise SS Everth Cabrera, whose league-leading 44 SB allowed him to fill in for injured Troy Tulowitzki, who had been the NL Wests's starting SS for all three years of this feature.

Colorado has another NL West stalwart in Carlos Gonzalez, who has reached the 20-20 plateau in each of the last three seasons, although he hasn't come close to his ridiculous unreal 2009 in which he hit 37 HR and won the batting title, Silver Slugger, and Gold Glove awards. He actually picked up another GG this season... despite the fact that he cost his team nearly two whole wins with his defensive ineptitude (-1.9 dWAR, 9 Zone Fielding Runs BELOW Average in 2012). The remaining three spots are filled by Diamondbacks (no Dodgers in this lineup - that should change next year with (hopefully) full seasons from Matt Kemp, Adrian Gonzalez, and Hanley Ramirez). Aaron Hill showed that he can once again have a flukily-amazing season at 2B as he did for Toronto in 2009. Justin Upton maintains his spot in RF despite a drop of nearly 500 points from his output last year. And Paul Goldschmidt had his moment in the sun as the second-highest-scoring 1B in the entire NL (behind the NL East's Adam LaRoche).

Moving to the defensive side, Matt Cain is the only pitcher to have appeared in the NL West's starting rotation all four years of this feature. However, he's never been more deserving than in 2012, where he reached career highs in W's and K's, and career (full season) lows in ERA and BB's, not to mention his historic perfect game. His lefty compliment Clayton Kershaw didn't equal his astounding 3,000-point Cy Young-award winning performance from last year, but he was still the top fantasy LHP in the game, leading the league in ERA and WHIP. Madison Bumgarner and Ryan Vogelsong are two Giants starters who jumped to the divisional rotation from the Wild Card rotation last year, while Rookie of the Year runner-up Wade Miley of the Diamondbacks makes his first appearance in his first full season.

After sporting five different 2,000+ point closers in the last three years (Jonathan Broxton, Heath Bell (once for the division and once for the Wild Card), J.J. Putz, and Brian Wilson (WC)), the 2012 NL West suffered from inconsistency at the back end of their bullpen with Kenley Jansen leading the pack - despite the fact that he didn't take over from Javy Guerra until the end of April and gave way to Brandon League in the middle of August. Luke Gregerson once again turned in a stellar setup season, as he also did two of the previous three years. David Hernandez also has two previous appearances - one last year as an NL West setup man and one in 2010 as an AL East swingman. Brad Ziegler and Ronald Belisario make their first appearances since 2009, with Ziegler making his first divisional appearance (he last represented Oakland on the AL Wild Card team). One weakness in this bullpen is the lack of a lefty reliever - Dale Thayer unfortunately earned the last spot due to his inflated stats from his short time as the Padres fill-in closer (which corresponded to the time he spent on my fantasy team). If I was really building this lineup, I'd switch him with COL LHP Rex Brothers. Josh Collmenter became a part-time starter after finishing 5th in ROY voting last year, and looks to remain there with top prospects Patrick Corbin and Tyler Skaggs waiting in the wings.