What follows is one such conversation between Theo Epstein, general manager of the Red Sox, and Jon Daniels, GM of the Rangers, about the fortunes of their respective teams, as it may have happened when they played against each other. It’s not exactly historically accurate, because since that fabled series (in which the Rangers took 2 of 3) many aspects of both teams have changed, and it’s in my interest to sacrifice historicity in the interest of staying up to date.
INT. Luxury Box, Rangers Ballpark in Arlington – DAY
Rangers GM Jon Daniels sits with a score sheet in front of him, keeping score of the Rangers vs. Red Sox game going on below. His open laptop is at his left hand, his blackberry at his right. The crowd cheers. He reacts to the play, writes something down on his score sheet, and moves to type something in his laptop.
There’s a knock at the door. Daniels closes his laptop quickly and suspiciously; turns around to see Theo Epstein standing at the door, holding a highball.
THEO: Hiya, Jonny.
JON: Hiya, Theo-y.
THEO: That’s quite a ballclub you’ve put together down there.
JON: Aw, thanks, T. You know, there were some good trades, and some bad ones.
THEO: Hey, speaking of trades (he leans in all secretively) didja see that one I made the other day for Victor Martinez?
JON: Yeah, T, I noticed. He’s down on the field right now, playing first base.
THEO: Is he? Are you sure he’s not playing catcher? Because he can play there too, you know.
JON: Yeah, yeah, he’s very versatile.
THEO: Oh, don’t I know it.
JON: How’s Varitek taking the new acquisition?
THEO: Who, Jason Varitek? Our starting catcher for the last 12 years? I think he’ll understand. Plus he’s been bothered by neck spasms, so he might actually be happy to know someone’s there to take his place when he needs some rest.
JON: Ooh, neck spasms? Sounds serious.
THEO: Well, he is 37 years old. That’s to be expected. And the best part of this whole situation: if Jason’s feeling alright and if Terry (Francona, manager) wants both his and Victor’s bats in the lineup, Martinez can play first too! That way Kevin Youkilis can shift over to third, and we won’t lose his production!
JON: It’s true, you acquired a very versatile player. And in that situation, what would Lowell think of being benched?
THEO (a politician now, more than a baseball man): Mike Lowell’s still our starting third baseman. But he’s old too (35) and he’s had some hip problems. So no harm, no foul there.
JON: So you just stock up on players so that you’ll be ready when (not if) one of them goes down with an injury? What does that do for the confidence of the players who you know are too fragile to be relied on?
THEO (correcting him): The players I know are too fragile on whom to be relied, Jonny. Never end a phrase with one of those ghastly prepositions. And listen, I don’t put together a team based on my players’ confidence or feelings. I put together a team that’s got the best chance to win ballgames. And Mike understands that, and Jason understands that, and Victor understands that. And they also understand that sometimes they’re not part of the combination that will win the most ballgames. They’re all consummate veterans.
JON: Seems like you kind of had the same strategy for your starting rotation before this season. Eight viable starting pitchers in the organization? I know you like to play it safe, but eight seems a bit excessive, even for you.
THEO: You think so? Let’s take a look at those starters I had at the beginning of the season.
*Josh Beckett: Our ace for four years. Helped us win a World Series with 20 wins in 2007. But he gets blisters trying to throw his own fastball. Hardly 100% reliable.
*Jon Lester: Young left-hander, ace quality. Beat cancer. Threw a no-hitter. Him we don’t have to worry about.
*Daisuke Matsuzaka: Pronounced “Dice-K.” Was a huge fan favorite. But he’s playing a game that’s played very differently here than it was in his native Japan. For instance, we baby our young pitchers. We put them on pitch counts, we limit their innings, we make them start their careers in the bullpen. But Japanese pitchers start pitching early, and they start taking on very large workloads early. He threw 180 professional innings at age 18. Then 167 at 19. Then 240 at 20. Do you know how many pitches Joba Chamberlain threw by age 20? He was still pitching in COLLEGE at age 20. My point is, I think that he’s been overworked and he’s tired and he’s not yet used to the American Style of Baseball, and I don’t trust his arm to hold out, quite frankly. I think we were living on borrowed time with Daisuke.
And I was right, wasn’t I? He last pitched in the majors in JUNE.
JON: Well, hindsight is always 20/20, T.
THEO
*Tim Wakefield: 42 year-old knuckleballer. We’re not the Phillies, are we? We don’t need senior citizens to make our team better! But, wait, he has wins by July? He’s still getting people out? Well, that performance is good enough for me. But wait: he just went on the DL and missed nearly 50 games with back and shoulder problems? Well, good thing we packed a spare…
*Brad Penny: …questionable veteran starter. But this one was nearly ineffectual last year after missing significant time due to injuries. What assurances do I have that he’s completely recovered? I don’t have any. So forgive me for doing my research and being careful.
JON: See, I understand all that, but then how can you justify your next move?
THEO: Who?
*John Smoltz? That was just good timing. He’s another veteran, a future hall of famer, in fact, released by his old team, desperate for one last shot. So I picked him up cheap. AND, he underwent shoulder surgery during the off-season and isn’t scheduled to return until June. So hopefully he’ll be ready by the time one of the other guys breaks down. Didn’t a certain Japanese import go down in June?
JON: But what’s the assurance that Smoltz will remain healthy?
THEO: There isn’t any. That’s the beauty of it! We have so many of them that at least ONE of them has to work out! (Theo begins to pace frantically, like a mad scientist)
JON: But Theo… that’s only six. What of the other two pitchers?
THEO (immediately stops pacing and becomes deadly focused): Ah, yes. We spoke of eight, but have covered, so far, only six. Who was the next one, Jon?
JON: You know who I’m talking about, T.
THEO: But I want to hear you say it, Jonny Boy.
JON: Clay. Buchholz.
THEO
*Clay Buchholz: My organization’s Number 1 Ranked Prospect prior to the 2008 season. He’s 24, he has a great makeup, and “competitive drive” and all that. But guess what he did in the 2008 season: 9 losses and a 6.75 ERA in 16 games. Whatever baseballamerica.com’s prospect ranker thinks of Buchholz, he’s clearly not yet ready for the bigs. He needs more time in the minors, like I’ve said a thousand times before.
JON: But he’s up now. He’s been up since July. He must be doing something right.
THEO: Doing what right? He has a 5.02 ERA in 8 games. He’s up because all my other guys went down. Daisuke has been ineffective all season. We released John Smoltz months ago. Wakefield’s just now back from his injury, which forced us to release Brad Penny.
JON: So, right there, you could have kept Penny and sent Buchholz down. So he must be doing better than Penny.
THEO: Slightly better than Penny, but Penny was just slightly worse than Junichi Tazawa.
JON: Who?
THEO: Why, the eighth man, my dear boy,
*Junichi Tazawa: A really good young pitcher from one of the smaller Japanese Leagues. We got him early in his development so we could show him the American baseball tradition of babying a starter every step of the way. He was the prize of the whole off-season, and yet nobody’s heard of him.
JON: Yeah? And what has he done for you lately?
THEO: Pay no attention to the 6.65 ERA! Trust me, he’ll pan out.
JON: So those were the eight men?
THEO: …Actually… there was another Eighth Man:
*Justin Masterson: who had been spending most of his time in the bullpen. But we traded him in August to get…
TOGETHER: …Victor Martinez.
JON: …and he’s sooooo versatile…
THEO: So, how many viable starters do we have now?
JON: Counting your bad ones?
THEO: Counting our only ones now…
JON: I guess five.
THEO: So it all worked out for me, then, right?
JON: I guess. But Masterson still has a high ceiling. And John Smoltz was picked up by the Cardinals, and he’s pitched two good games for them.
THEO: Ah, everybody plays better for the Cardinals. Just ask Matt Holliday. And Mark McGwire. Hmm, two former A’s.
JON: You’re thinking about Billy Beane again, aren’t you?
THEO: …No.
JON: You’re just jealous that nobody’s written a bestseller about you. And nobody’s asked Brad Pitt to play you in a movie, even though your team’s doing much better than his…
THEO: SHUT UP! Nobody’s written a book about me yet because I’ve succeeded! My story would be boring! Enter Theo: he saves the day. Millions upon millions of fans cheer. Exit Theo.
JON: In a gorilla suit…?
THEO: That was ONE TIME! And it was Halloween. And we auctioned that suit off for $11,000 for charitable organizations…
JON: Sounds like a stunt to me, T. A publicity stunt, if you know what I mean!
THEO: Oh, now you’re just jealous that you’re not even in anyone’s shadow! How’s your rotation these days, Jonny?
JON: Better than Billy Beane’s. And also beating his by 17 games in their division.
THEO; MY ROTATION’S BEATING BILLY BEANE’S TOO, JON!
JON: That’s not the point. The point is that my rotation may also be beating yours. We’re 3rd in the league in ERA. You guys are…?
THEO: 7th. But look at our peripherals. We’ve got more strikeouts by a lot, the least Home Runs allowed per nine-innings, and we throw much fewer walks than we do strikeouts. I don’t know if you’re beating mine just yet.
JON: Yes, T, but how much money did you spend on yours? And how much money did I spend on mine?
THEO (his jaw drops. Jon’s going there. Theo’s demoralized): On all of them?
JON: How much did your Big Eight cost this year and how much did mine cost?
THEO: You had eight?
JON: Pretty much. Here they are if you want to check:
*Kevin Millwood: Signed since 2005, expensive but possibly not worth it. Certainly not in the last couple years. But he’s doing really good this year! Maybe it’s because of new team president Nolan Ryan…
*Vicente Padilla: He was way overpaid, but he was a sunk cost. We found cheaper options, released him, and now he’s trying to find true happiness with the Dodgers.
*Scott Feldman: He’s bounced around the organization a bit, but we thought he was ready for the show. And he hasn’t let us down.
*Brandon McCarthy: We traded a really good pitcher (John Danks) to get this guy, and so far he’s disappointed us. Missed most of last year due to injury, and was done this year after just 11 games.
*Matt Harrison: Nobody really thought of him as any better than a decent pitcher. But that’s all we needed him to be if enough of our other options came through. And look: he too got hurt after exactly 11 games.
*Derek Holland: Haven’t heard of this guy? Well, he was our number 2 rated prospect this year by Baseball America. He hasn’t been lights-out, but he’s been serviceable and he’s played a very important role for the team.
*Tommy Hunter: Here’s a 22 year old who wasn’t on anyone’s radar, and boy if he hasn’t been our best pitcher. Ain’t baseball great?
*Dustin Nippert: To be fair, this guy wasn’t even really on our radar to start before this season. But we gave him a shot, and he’s started 8 games for us. And we couldn’t be happier.
THEO: So… shall we tally up?
JON: Let’s. You first, my dear boy.
THEO:
Beckett: $11,166,666 million
Lester: one million even
Daisuke: 8.3repeating million
Wakefield: 4 million
Penny: 5 million
Smoltz: 5.5 million (but the Cardinals are eating some of that)
Buchholz: $413,500
Tazawa: $450,000
Masterson: $415,000 (but the Indians have most of that, and plus it’s a negligible salary)
JON: Yeah, but the four more years of him that they get at that price is not negligible. But no matter, here’s mine:
Millwood: 12.868892 million
Padilla: $12 million (but the Dodgers have some of that, thank Cy Young)
Feldman: $434,680
McCarthy: $615,000
Harrison: $405,000
Holland: $400,000
Hunter: $401,000
Nippert: $411,760
THEO: So, for me, that’s $36,278,499. But you have to deduct from that money paid by the Cardinals and Indians for the remainders of the salaries of the players we released…
JON: Yeah, yeah, I know how it works. Are you quite finished? Read ‘em and weep: $27,536,332. Minus part of that 12 mil paid by the Dodgers. And mine’s got a better ERA!
THEO: Pretty impressive, Jon.
JON: Thank you, Theo!
THEO: And how’s your offense.
JON: Oh, not as good as yours, Theo. We’re behind you in runs, hits, AVG, OPS, and total bases – plus we strike out a good deal more – but we’ve hit more home runs than you.
THEO: That’s something, at least. How’s your bullpen?
JON: Couldn’t be better, thanks for asking! Frank Francisco’s been a very effective closer, C.J. Wilson and Darren O’Day are a great right/left combination to set him up, and Neftali Feliz has been awe-inspiring. He’s our number 1 ranked prospect and he might even be a starter one day. Wouldn’t that be just lovely?
THEO: Yeah, lovely. I can’t wait for my hitters to have to face his 101 mph fastball next season.
JON: Oh, they have faced them this season! He held your team to a .143 AVG in 7 AB this season.
THEO: Sample size alert…
JON: I know, it’s hardly a blip. But you must admit those fastballs are dazzling…
THEO: Alright, alright, they’re dazzling. You know, we have some dazzling fastballs in our bullpen too.
JON: Is that so, Theo? Why don’t you tell me all about them.
THEO: Jonathan Papelbon, Ramon Ramirez (acquired this off-season), Takashi Saito (also acquired this off-season), Hideki Okajima, young Daniel Bard, and newly acquired Billy Wagner.
JON: Billy Wagner? You mean fresh off of Tommy John Ligament Replacement surgery, Billy Wagner?
THEO: The very same. Have you seen his 96 mph fastball?
JON: Yeah, but he only threw two innings for the Mets before you acquired him. That’s a small sample size alert if I’ve ever seen one! Plus, what reassurances do you have that he’ll stay healthy?
THEO: But that’s the beauty of it! There’s so many of them!!!
JON: Great, back to this again?
THEO: Our bullpen’s fine, Jonny. You just worry about when Andruw Jones, Jarrod Saltalmacchia, Harrison, McCarthy, and Everyday Eddie Guardado get off the DL.
JON: Hey, T! That was harsh. I don’t poke fun at you because of your use of the disabled list. These are human beings here. Who are in pain.
THEO: Unless you’re Dontrelle Willis. Social Anxiety Disorder, my…
JON: Theo!
THEO: Sorry, that came from a bad place. I’m sorry.
JON: Apology accepted.
THEO: So, how’s it feel to be the youngest GM in baseball history? 28 years old, was it, when Jon Hart put you in charge of the Rangers in 2005?
JON: You ought to know; you held that honor once yourself. Back in 2002 when you took control of the Red Sox, also at 28.
THEO: A slightly older 28.
JON: Slightly older, true. But that was seven years ago and you’re now….
THEO: Don’t remind me.
JON: Could it be 35? While I myself am sitting pretty at 31.
THEO: 32 on the 24th. Happy Birthday, by the way.
JON: Thanks, pal!
THEO: No problem! And say hi to your buddies at Cornell, would you?
JON: Will do! And same for your pals at… what was it?
THEO: Yale.
JON: Yes, Yale, of course. How could I forget!
THEO: Well…
JON: Yes?
THEO: Good luck down the stretch!
JON: Hup! You too!
THEO: CheeriO!
Theo backs out the door, tipping his highball as if it were an imaginary top hat, and closing it gruffly behind him. Jon stares straight ahead for a second. Then he lets out a sigh, opens up his laptop, and types enthusiastically. As the crowd goes wild, he glances up casually at the game going on down below.
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